When a couple decides to divorce, the subject of values often starts a debate about the right values to teach the children. This is normal as most parents want their children to have successful and happy lives. But it can also become a battleground that puts the children in the middle of the conflict.
Most people do not have the exact same values and the art is in noticing where the value came from and its relevancy to the current set of facts. Healthy co-parenting requires compromise and recognition that both parents may be right, even when they see things differently.
The individual values we have are a combination of things we were taught and learned in our own experiences. At some point in their lives many adults will reject the values of their parents, or explore the deeper meaning behind those values in order to decide what personally matters most to them.
If you and your co-parent cannot agree, it’s important to ask whether there is some underlying anger at the other parent or some other need to be right or in control. Is the value being debated derived from a true need for the children? Normal child development includes a values discovery process. When there are debates between the parents during development of values, the conflict often goes unresolved, and leaves children feeling that love will end or relationships will be lost as a result of these differences.
At a time when children need to feel that both parents still love them, this kind of conflict can be damaging to your children’s wellbeing. They are more likely to feel resentful and confused. They may toss all values aside and this can be a painful experience for children and young adults, it may even delay their development.
What matters most to children is that their parents communicate respectfully with clearly defined values that will help them make the right choices in life. Even when adolescents begin to explore and try on values that do not turn out well, there is room for them to learn from their experience.
If you are unable to work through some of these issues, family mediation can be helpful to learn constructive communication and how to accept and appreciate your differences. Values-based discussions are part of being a family, and healthy debate can be a great learning experience for everyone.
