Why Friends Are Important During Divorce
Q: I’m a little embarrassed to admit this as an accomplished 47-year-old professional, but even though I am relieved to be finalizing our divorce, I think some of the stress I’m experiencing since our separation is actually loneliness. How can I get past that?
A: Every journey through divorce seems to come with a custom-fitted roller-coaster. Stress can be an annoying traveling companion. (And while one’s spouse may have been an annoying traveling companion too, the adjustment to living without a spouse feels a little lonesome for everyone sometimes.) So whether chugging uphill or freefalling through a canyon, it’s wise to invite a few good friends along for the ride.
Over a lifetime, we weave a safety net of friends. They make us laugh, cry with us, remind us of our worth, and help us re-balance on days when everything feels new and some of it feels lonely. Life’s transitions always find human beings reassessing what they value most. Trusted friends and loved ones carry us along. Some listen, some speak their own hearts. Sometimes there are no words. (And brace yourself: Some people will say incredibly stupid things.) The truth is some people don’t know what to say. They usually mean well, even when it comes out all wrong. Tip: If their advice is unwelcome, shift the conversation to focus on their own stuff. That usually helps.
We can forge new friendships at any stage of life. Some sit at the next desk, or have kids our children’s ages. Our childhood friends abide over decades, anchoring our lives. Friendships have a great deal to do with our long-term ability to cope. The degrees of which we love, laugh, connect, forgive, (or don’t,) impact our stress levels, overall wellness, and quality of life.
Nobel laureate Albert Schweitzer is quoted as having said, “In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.” As you read that, you were likely either recalling a cherished friend or perhaps you sensed a quiet longing for new friends to share this next chapter of your life.
It’s never too late to discover comfort, humor, and mutual interests with others. Decades of studies confirm that people who maintain close, positive relationships tend to enjoy more robust coping skills and optimism, enhanced self-esteem, and report substantially less day-to-day stress. Many people could use some help creating and maintaining such relationships, so let’s take a look at your own healthy friendships, and see if the exercise below might be helpful:
REMEMBER JOHNNY CARSON’S OLD SHOW, ‘WHO DO YOU TRUST?’
1. Which friends calm and comfort you?
2. Which make you laugh out loud?
3. Which can you trust with your heart. . . and with your mistakes.
4. When can you next spend time with 1, 2 and 3? This week, make a date to see each.
BONUS:
This month, strike up a conversation with at least one person you might like to know better. See how it goes!
