Infidelity: Seeking Out a Prostitute Doesn’t Have to Mean the End of a Marriage
Although New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer’s administration did not survive the allegations that he spent time with a prostitute, experts in the field of marital therapy believe that it does not have to mean the end of his marriage.
Spitzer came under fire Monday when prosecutors released affidavits, as part of a federal investigation into a high-cost prostitution ring, that placed Spitzer in a Washington, D.C., hotel room with a 22-year-old prostitute named Kristen for a two and a half-hour rendezvous. Spitzer publicly apologized for a personal indiscretion, but he did not elaborate.He has not been charged with any crime.
With his wife standing by looking drawn and pale Wednesday, he resigned his position as governor. “In the past 20 days, I have begun to atone for my private failings with my wife, Silda, my children, and my entire family. The remorse I feel will always be with me,” Spitzer said at a press conference, resigning from public office. “Words cannot describe how grateful I am for the love and compassion they have shown me.” He is being replaced by Lt. Gov. David Paterson, who will take over the state after the scandal.
“This is the kind of situation that happens to people in power”, said Robert Burns, Ph.D , chair of the department of Pastoral Counseling and Marriage and Family Therapy at Iona College in New Rochelle, N.Y. “You might see this in power circles, when people have the means, when people have the money,” said Burns, who is also a licensed marriage and family therapist. “They may think they are buying silence and privacy, but these things always blow up because you are in the public light.”
Burns calls prostitution a less-traditional form of infidelity, with more dimensions than a typical affair. “That money was involved makesthe situation seem more sordid”, he said. “There may be more shock, more anger that the person has resorted to this,” Burns said. “There are always the questions ‘Why? What was wrong with me? I didn’t measure up?’ I think the response is going to be an individual one, as it always is.”
Burns doesn’t necessarily believe situations like the one facing the Spitzers alwaysend in divorce. “The two factors in determining when healing begins is the extent and duration of the unfaithfulness”, he said. “I think any kind of infidelity challenges the relationship, challenges both parties, but it doesn’t necessarily need to lead to a break up,” Burns said. “There is going to be an awful lot of hurt, an awful lot of confusion. Professional help could heal the rift in the relationship and strengthen the partners as well as their marriage”, he said.
EGO GRATIFICATION FOR MEN
“The kind of man who engages a prostitute is unpredictable”, said Erica Goodstone, Ph.D., board certified sex therapist, licensed mental health counselor, and licensed marriage and family therapist. “Some of these men have been very nice men, they have been good husbands and good fathers. The next thing she finds out, it’s not only that he went to a prostitute; it’s that he spent all that money on the prostitute. It’s devastating to the woman.”
“The sex business”, she said, “gratifies a man’s ego and then takes his money. And television, movies, and the Internet encourage it”, she said. “It’s pushed on people, and it’s big business,” Lee said. “The whole environment, they are building up these egos so they can make money. The only way a marriage can survive”, she said, “is therapy”. “The most successful clients are those in which both parties take responsibility for the transgressions”, she said.
FULFILLING A FANTASY
“The crux of the issue seems to be how often Spitzer paid prostitutes”, said Susan Lee, Ph.D., director of the Florida Sex Therapy Institute. She said that if he used prostitutes repeatedly, it can explain the depth of the problem and make a difference in treatment.
“But understanding why Spitzer lookedoutside his marriage for sexual gratification will be difficult. It begins with a sense of entitlement”, she said. “A man of power really is a narcissist. They feel above the law. They are very selfish. They don’t think that they are dong anything wrong,” Lee said. “There are hundreds of reasons, psychologically, why he would look for somebody out of the marriage.”
“Generally, men pay prostitutes to fulfill a fantasy”, Lee said. “The excitement, the chase, the fact that these women are gorgeous and sexy and fantasy-like and fulfill adolescent fantasies, that’s why men pay for that,” Lee said. “These are not women that love them or care for them.”
WIVES GET UPPER HAND
“Whether a marriage can survive this particular kind of infidelity really depends on the marriage”, Lee said. In her practice, she has seen women who encourage their husbands to go to strip clubs or see prostitutes. “It would be worse for them to see their spouses develop a deep romantic relationship with another woman. In other cases, wives became furious. The money issue, it is safer because it doesn’t disrupt the pattern of the marriage,” Lee said. “On the other hand, some people think it is the most disgusting thing — that somebody would go to those lengths just to get of instead of working on the marriage.”
“If the Spitzer marriage survives, the power dynamic within the relationship will change. Marriages stay together through infidelity because the woman now has the upper hand,” Lee said. “She is now in control of everything because of his deviation or his sin or crime or crime against the marriage.”
“The situation is likely to get worse before it gets better”, Lee said. “Now Silda Wall Spitzer is faced with a myriad of questions, the greatest of which is, Why?” There could have been a million other things this guy could have done to keep himself happy and stay governor,” Lee said. “There is so much anger… Therapy is the only place to work this through.”
About the author: Michele Bush Kimball has a Ph.D. in mass communication with a specialization in media law. She has spent almost 15 years in journalism and teaches at American University. She recently won a national research award for her work.
