Infidelity: Tips to Help You Move on after your Spouse Has an Affair
When Dr. Eve Wood’s life “exploded” because of marital infidelity, it took some time for her to realize that the there was a gift in that betrayal. Wood, a practicing psychiatrist and an associate professor of medicine at the University of Arizona, was devastated when she discovered her husband of 25 years was living “a double life.” When he wouldn’t “come clean,” about it, she decided to move on without him. She decided to use that personal experience to write a self-help book that could offer hope to others. The book provides 14 key lessons for those who have been faced with infidelity. Wevorce.com talked with Dr. Wood about her book, “The Gift of Betrayal.”
Wevorce.com: Why did you write this book?
A: I believe many of us suffer in silence for too long. We stay in destructive situations because we don’t realize how bad our situation is. We doubt in what joy is actually possible for us…In The Gift of Betrayal, I’ve written the book I wish I had been able to read many years ago.Perhaps it would have helped me make sense of my experience and saved me a lot of heartache and pain. I hope and pray that “The Gift of Betrayal” serves that purpose in the life of my readers.You can find your unique path to wholeness.You need not suffer so much!
Wevorce.com: Why do we need information about the betrayal?
A: We need information to understand and make sense of our betrayal.Who knows about the betrayal?Who was involved?Who will stand by us?Has our main support become our greatest threat? What does this mean? In asking these questions, we are trying to figure out how much of our sense of reality, our take on past experiences, can be trusted.What is actually real? We need to feel in control.How broken is our world?Is it like Humpty Dumpty?Can it ever be put back together again? Do we even want to try? What risks do we face? What will our future be? For many of us, we need to know details to make sense of our pasts, presents and futures.We need a certain amount of information to heal our lives after betrayal. And our need may change over time. But, I want to introduce a caveat here.Anyone of us can get so caught up in learning and sleuthing out the details of our betrayal experience that we lose track of our own reactions, self-care, and growth process. I share more about this concept in the book, but it can’t be emphasized enough.
Wevorce.com: Why do some people become victims after a betrayal?
A: When your world explodes, you get rocked to your very core. Much of what made sense before becomes meaningless. It’s normal” to cast about looking for someone to blame, someone to hold responsible for throwing you into this pit of despair, this tailspin, this agony.And, it’s easy to find someone to blame.Betrayal involves dishonest, unethical, immoral, and other hurtful actions.So, you may find it compelling to blame your partner.You might find it easier to blame those with whom your partner engaged.Or, you may be most comfortable blaming yourself!We have a self-protective tendency to make someone the culprit when we’ve been hurt. It helps us explain what is otherwise unfathomable.It’s crucial to allow ourselves to feel anger and moral indignation when we’ve been misused.It is healthy to search for causes, and explanations, and to try to figure out who is responsible for what has occurred. But, we need to beware of blame.We need to guard against our tendency to make the explosion all about fault.Because blame interferes with healing your life when your world shatters.The more we blame ourselves or others for our misfortune, the more powerless we become.We become victims.We give up our free will, our gift to choose, and our opportunity to learn.
Wevorce.com: How do you seize power after a betrayal?
A: When you’ve been betrayed, you have the opportunity to turn what feels like a horrible disaster into a wonderful opportunity.You may not feel, or even see the opportunity or gift in every moment.But, the more you remember and remind yourself that: There is a blessing in every curse, an upside to every downside, an opportunity in every setback, and a future in every demise, the easier it will be for you to heal your life when your world explodes. All betrayals offer you a choice; you have the opportunity to seize your power or become the victim. You have the choice to learn or to blame.You can grow or shrink. You may soul search, or focus on others. You got here for a reason. It’s time to learn that lesson. You have the opportunity to create your heart’s desire.You are in charge and you can choose just who you want to be.
Wevorce.com: How do you decide whether to stay or go?
A: In “The Gift of Betrayal,” I offer some crucial guidelines. There’s a personal right answer for everyone. But, here are some tips. If you’ve never been happy in the relationship, it’s unreasonable to think you will be in the future. Having children together is not a good reason to stay in a bad relationship. If your partner isn’t honest and invested in fixing the relationship, there’s no way it can work. If your heart isn’t invested in fixing it, don’t try. If you’re involved with a sociopath or someone who has physically abused you on more than one occasion, you need to leave.
Wevorce.com: How do you know if you were involved with a sociopath?
A: This is a great question. Sociopaths have no conscience and can inflict extreme pain on others without feeling sorry or guilty. If you’re with somebody who is like this, who lies on a regular basis, who appeals to your sense of pity, who scares you, who puts you down, and who you don’t trust, you’re likely with a sociopath. Trust your gut.
Wevorce.com: What’s the role of intuition in betrayal?
A: The role of intuition in relationships is huge. The first moment you became involved with your partner, you were gleaning and sending out many signalsAnd, chances are, if you are in a relationship that has exploded on you, you pushed down, minimized, or ignored some of the warning signs that were there from the outset. Our intuition is brilliant. And, often times, we make bad decisions because we don’t pay enough attention to it. We may deny, minimize, or otherwise silence our wisest selves.And, we often do that because of what we’ve been taught to do.We follow rules that made sense in our childhoods even if they don’t serve us very well any more.We replay ingrained dynamics that we don’t even recognize are operative.We misinterpret our body’s messages and lessons.We lack the capacity to identify our feelings and/or the ability to know what our feelings are trying to tell us. We do the best we know to do”¦but our best isn’t necessarily the best that can be done. We can learn to do better. We can develop the ability to trust in our wisest selves and heal our lives. Can you forgive too soon? Yes! Beware of forgiving too fast”¦or of thinking you ought to do so.Healing your life after betrayal means suspending your desire to make it right between you and your partner.Let go of your belief that you ought to forgive and forget.And, don’t let anyone convince you that doing so is necessary to healing your life.It is not!Taking charge is.Using your anger for personal empowerment is. Fueling your growth trajectory is what’s most important.It’s about you”¦not him.
Wevorce.com: How do you identify what you really want?
A: You have to start asking yourself what you hope for, dream of, most passionately desire.You must give your passion your attention. There are many tools you can use such as bringing your dream into focus, aligning your desire and what you tell yourself, monitoring the company you keep, and writing a song for your new beliefs. You must give energy to what matters.
Wevorce.com: How do you create the life you really want?
A: Once you’ve identified what you most want, you have to take actions to create it. Writing a mission statement or creating a list of desires can help. Use the series of tips and suggestions in “The Gift of Betraya”l to avoid replaying your past history and old dynamics. Trust your gut. Be yourself always. Focus on what really matters and don’t sweat the small stuff.
Wevorce.com: Why is it important to slow down?
A: Healing your life when your world explodes is a multistage process.And it can’t be rushed.The fact that it takes a long time to recover can be very frustrating.The first several stages, which can go on for a long time, involve dealing with the details of the betrayal, coping from day to day, and moving in the direction of building a short term future. After that, you may well begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel, thinking about how you got to where you are, and how to create your heart’s desire. But then, you must slow down so you can evaluate and honor all of your past involvements.You need to understand your past feelings, behaviors, and choices in all areas of your life.Why is that? Well, living your dream involves salvaging and nurturing what you must grow, and shifting or letting go of involvements that no longer serve you well.You can only figure out which involvements are what, when you come from a place of calm, peace, acceptance, openness, and presence to the moment.And you surely can’t just be” at the beginning of your betrayal experience.Initially, when your world explodes, you need all your energy to survive and cope from day to day. But, thank heavens, nothing is forever.We human beings are highly resilient creatures. So, as soon as we can move beyond our overwhelming pain and out of survival mode, we itch to start taking action. We want to heal.But there is a particular process involved in doing so.We need to slow down and honor all of our involvements. In “The Gift of Betrayal,” I teach readers how to do that.
Wevorce.com: How can you set boundaries?
A: What’s the best way for you to set limits or boundaries? The first step is to sort out what you feel and need. Your second step is to convey your needs without criticism, blame, or judgment.Validate yourself a lot. You owe it to yourself, and the other person, to honor your feelings and needs. Beware of a common pitfall many of us trip over when we’re expressing hurt, anger or our need for space. We tend to push the other away with blame or judgment. We do this when we start a sentence with one of the following phrases: You never”¦ You always”¦Why don’t you”¦Why won’t (or can’t) you”¦You”¦Remember, respectful communication starts with I feel” phrasing. So setting boundaries in a caring way means letting the other know where we are emotionally, and what we need.
Wevorce.com: What do you mean when you say, “Know what men cannot do for you?”
A: Men are quite different from women. And, in order for us to have satisfying and workable relationships with them, we need to understand those differences.We can’t expect them to be like us.If we do, we’ll keep going to the dry well for water.And, we’ll probably die of thirst.For example, let’s look at the realm of communication between the sexes.Men and women process things differently. Women need to talk and listen a lot.Men need the Cliff Notes version.They just want to hear the problem, request, or solution.They hate being asked the why?” question.Because, they don’t usually know why they do things. The more we ask them why, the more they’ll tell us that we are analyzing too much. Why can’t you just accept it — or love me the way I am?” they’ll say.Men view our attempts to understand them as a lack of acceptance or respect for who and how they are!Unless we women realize this fact, we will feel pushed away, shut out, and shut up by our men.And, of course, when we react from our hurt places, they won’t understand why we are so sensitive! We’ll feel more hurt.They’ll get more frustrated and critical.And the whole thing will spiral quickly out of control. You just don’t understand me”¦I don’t feel heard” and so on will characterize our ongoing interactions.We will feel unloved, attacked, and pushed away.They will feel criticized and disrespected. So, for instance, don’t expect your man to be your best friend. Your girlfriend is your best friend. A man can’t be what your best friend can be to you. But he can be a whole lot more! We just have to ask for what we need in the right places.
Wevorce.com: What’s an acknowledgment journal?
A: Perhaps you’re familiar with the concept of gratitude journals to mark what matters.You keep a daily journal and take time each day to write down something you are grateful for.Each evening before bed, or first thing in the morning before you start your day, is often the best time. In “The Gift of Betrayal,” I suggest keeping an acknowledgment journal. You write something you have achieved that you are grateful to have been able to do”¦and follow it with a description of its significance.Here are some examples: I’m grateful to have been able to drop off my son at my ex’s house and avoid arguing with him.That was a lot of growth for me! I celebrate my decision to fire an attorney who demeans me.That took a lot of courage. I’m glad to have made it through today without eating tons of junk food!I’ve been using chocolate and cookies as medicine for a long time!
Wevorce.com: What three things do you want readers to take away from your book?
A: You’re not alone. There’s a reason for everything that came before. You can take what feels devastating and use it to create your heart’s desire. You will be successful.
The Gift of Betrayal is available at Amazon.com and at bookstores everywhere.
