Parenting: Six Tips to Help You Tell Your Kids that You are Getting Divorced
In today’s day and age, a collaborative divorce might be considered an oxy-moron. Resentment and hurt makes everything worse, and drawn-out custody battles can rage on forever unless someone settles. While this is, sadly, the norm, it doesn’t have to be this way.
Seventeen years ago, when Rosalind Sedacca and her husband decided they were going to divorce, she didn’t want to put her 11-year-old son through a tumultuous transition. She wanted a simple way to tell her son about the divorce that would answer all his questions. So she told him a story — their story.
“I remembered how much Cassidy liked to look at photo albums from our background, like how mom and dad met and things we did as a family,” Sedacca said. “This set the foundation for understanding where our family has been and then explaining in simple terms what’s coming next.”
Sedacca wrote her son a book that today she calls “How Do I tell the Kids…About The Divorce?” It was a storybook that helped her prepare her son for the ending. Not necessarily the happily ever after kind, but not a tragedy either, just different. “In the end, the message is always the same because they address the same basic instincts and insecurities every child has when their parents divorce,” Sedacca said.
Sedacca viewed the book as a valuable anchor to hold on to when she used it with her son, but she also saw it as a way to remember fond family memories. “Having the photos and customized bits and pieces about mom and dad give the security and comfort that life will continue after this and mom and dad will still love you,” she said.
Today, Sedacca, a corporate trainer and professional speaker based out of West Palm Beach, Fla., has published her book after sitting on it for 10 years. She hopes it will help other parents struggling through the issue of talking with their children about divorce. Her son Cassidy, who is now 28, wrote the introduction for his mother, encouraging readers to use the book as a manual to help their kids.
As part of the divorce book for parents, she also provides articles from various professionals on issues like why it’s important tell your child about your past and what happened before they were born “ to show them that mom and dad were once in love.Amy Sherman, a licensed mental health counselor in Lake Worth, Florida, is one of these experts. She specializes in relationship issues, women’s health and substance abuse as well as wrote a book called, “Distress-Free Aging: A Boomers’ Guide to Creating a Fulfilled and Purposeful Life.”
“I love the idea of a book designed to help kids not model behavior they’re learning at home or act it out after the parents divorce,” Sherman said. “Instead, it’s age-appropriate so there aren’t too many details about why, but still helps them understand.”
In addition to the book, Sedaccaalso has started a Web site called www.childcentereddivorce.com and networks with professionals who focus on collaborative divorce, a way to settle divorce issues outside of court. While it’s gaining momentum in other areas of the country, it was only recently introduced to Florida, according to Charles Jamieson, a West Palm Beach, Florida attorney.
In collobarative divorce, a set of professionals — legal to financial — negotiate with the couple to settlement. If the couple does not agree, the professionals must drop the legal case and a net set of professionals must be chosen to go to court. While it seems difficult, Jamieson believes it is less expensive and less stressful and less painful for the family in the long-run. “It’s a new idea because attorneys don’t have the safety net of saying ‘I’ll see you in court.’ Instead, the first rule is to be civil,” Jamieson said.
SIX TIPS TO TELL THE KIDS
Source: Rosalind Sedacca
1) This is not your fault:
Sedacca said that parents tend to make a lot of the same mistakes in the process of divorce, confiding in their child or speaking poorly about their ex, nevertheless, the one you are hurting is them.
2) You are, and always will be, safe:
In making sure their son, Cassidy, adjusted well to the divorce, Sedacca moved only a block or so away from her husband so the transition would be less painful.
3) Mom and Dad will always be your parents:
Keeping dad around helped not only her son, but didn’t make resentment an issue down the line; her son still had mom and dad, but they lived in separate homes.
4) Mom and Dad will always love you:
In saying this, it’s also necessary for parents to show it to kids, especially when going through a divorce.
5) This is about change, not about blame:
So many parents get caught up in their hurts and fears and anxieties,” she said. They lose sight of what’s in their little kid’s best interest.”
6) Things will work out okay:
As long as the child is the prime focus of both partners in the relationship and communication is key.
