Divorced Women Are Often Faced with Many Stresses in Addition to the Failed Marriage
Does divorce make a woman look older? Recent research suggests that’s true.
Previous research has shown smoking and poor skin tone can cause women to look older. But a new study of identical twins shows that divorced women look two years older than their twins who were married, single or widowed, according to a Los Angeles Times article.
The research, conducted by Bahman Guyuron, chairman of the plastic surgery department at Case Western Reserve University’s hospital, involved a questionnaire in which women discussed their lifestyles. Then four people reviewed their pictures and guessed their ages.
The study, reported in the journal Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery, suggested sun exposure, smoking or alcohol use and antidepressant use were also factors in the aging process. Guyuron theorized that antidepressants may cause facial sagging.
The study also showed that being overweight and under 40 makes a woman look older, but being overweight after 40 makes a woman look younger. The study results weren’t surprising to California psychotherapist Tina Tessina, author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin your Marriage. “I think any kind of stress emphasizes aging,” Tessina said. “Divorced women are often faced with many stresses in addition to the failed marriage. They often have to deal with money problems they’re not used to having and handling whatever portion of the household responsibilities their ex used to take care of.”
Dr. Kelly VanGilder, of Aesthetic Specialists of the Palm Beaches, specializes in helping women find ways to reduce the aging process through various medical procedures. “Weight,” she said, “can be a factor in female aging. More weight (to a point) makes us look younger due to filling out our faces and thus filling out the lines — much like when you replace air into a deflated balloon. Many women strive to be thin but the down side is that our faces look more gaunt. She agreed with almost all of the studies findings, except the one about anti-depressant use. “I wonder if this is not actually due to the depression itself as depression often leads to decreased sleep. I think sleep is a major contributor to our appearance.”
Los Angeles, California divorce attorney Kelly Chang Rickert spoke to the study results as a new mother. She agreed with VanGilder — the real issue centers around sleep. “Divorced women with children tend to look older because child-rearing duties are difficult on the single woman,” she says. “Generally, it is known that a woman is financially worse off if she divorces. If she was previously supported by the husband, she would now need to find some way to support herself if the husband cannot pay support. Working outside the home and being a mother yields lack of sleep. Lack of sleep tends to age people.”
Chang Rickert went on to explain that divorced women with young children have a harder time and are likely to age faster. “In addition, not having a partner is difficult at night because if your child is very young, you would have to do all the night feedings. Not sleeping, and raising children on your own and working will age you. I think a huge factor in aging is sleep. If you don’t sleep, you will age faster. Divorced women probably sleep less than others, due to lack of help,” she said.
Dr. Gilda Carle, author of How to Win When your Mate Cheats, said how quickly someone ages depends on how they handle the stress of life situations like divorce. “Women feel — and they feel outwardly and obviously. They cry to their friends, openly share their pain, and wear it on their faces. Men, on the other hand, tend to be able to bury their emotions in sports, other women, and other things. However, this is not good either, because buried emotions make you sick,” she said.
She advised divorcing women, “Channel your emotions so you feel the pain, but get to the gym to work it out.” Her tip for divorcing men: “Find a confidante you can trust and share your story. The world won’t cave in if you do. Then go to the gym, too!” On the positive side, Tessina isn’t certain that aging caused by divorce is permanent. “Most women come into their own a while after divorce, are happier than they were in a difficult marriage, and when they begin to succeed in their new lives, their happiness and success makes them look younger, less stressed, more confident,” she said.
TIPS TO REDUCE YOUR STRESS AFTER DIVORCE
by Tina Tessina, Ph.D.
1. Daily Anticipation.
Either in the evening or the morning, take 15 to 20 minutes to sit down with your calendar and think about the day to come. Consider your to-do list, your appointments (whatever kind of appointments you have: with a business associate, a customer, your dentist, to take your child to soccer or ballet, or lunch with a friend) and whatever you personally would like to accomplish (for example: gardening, cooking dinner, making a speech, getting a new client, writing your novel, working out, winning at a sport, meditating or praying, creating art or music, or visiting a friend).
2. Prioritize Every Day.
If your list is more than you can possibly get done in one day, sort through it now, instead of waiting until the end of the day to find you didn’t accomplish the most important things. Prioritize what you have to do, and whatever you’re not going to get to today, put on your to-do list for tomorrow or next week.
3. Schedule Realistically.
Look at your calendar and schedule as realistically as you can. For example, if you are taking your daughter to ballet class, or your son to football practice, consider that it might be important to allow enough time for the two of you to talk. If the client you have to see is long-winded or habitually late, take that into consideration. If you are extra tired, consider not packing your day as full as usual.
4. Schedule Unused Time.
On the other hand, if your calendar is not full enough, if you have a tendency to go to work and then come home with no idea of what you’ll do for the evening, then give some thought to scheduling some of that unused time: For example, volunteering to help somewhere; inviting a friend to dinner, participating in a sport, joining the church choir, or taking a class. You can even decide to get intentional about relaxing, rather than letting the TV or the computer absorb time meaninglessly.
In this way you can take charge of your day, and make sure that, within the limits of your real situation, you do the things that are most important to you. The few minutes you take at the beginning of your day to organize it can save you hours later. If you focus on planning each day, you will make steady progress toward attaining your future goals, and creating a truly satisfying life, with less stress.
