10 Signs For Him & 10 Signs For Her
Former presidential candidate John Edwards seemed like the perfect husband. Handsome. Smart. A man devoted to his children. And the kind of person who would stand beside his wife as she was battling cancer. But after his confession that he cheated on his wife of 30 years, Americans realized it was nothing more than a facade. This very public revelation once again underscored the fact that anyone — even someone carefully portrayed as devoted to his family — could cheat.
“Men cheat because they feel unappreciated, sexually undesirable at home, or they’re afraid of aging,” said Dr. Tina Tessina, Ph.D., aka Dr. Romance, author of the book, Money, Sex, and Kids, which helps couples overcome the three issues that cause the most marital strife. “Women cheat because they feel unloved, they’re not getting affection, or they feel taken for granted.”
So how do you know if your spouse is cheating? Before we dig into the answer, keep in mind that signs of infidelity never appear in isolation, so don’t conclude that your spouse is cheating on the basis of one or two telltale signs. “Where there is one sign, there are usually dozens of other corroborating signs just waiting to be found,” says infidelity expert Ruth Houston. “If your spouse is really cheating, you’ll find clusters of telltale signs all at once.”
The signs you notice may be different, depending on your gender: “Men may notice the physical — new underwear or greater attention to looking put together. However, women are often more intuitive and tuned into emotions. They may at first notice something is not quite right — preoccupation, a different smell — and then follow up on their hunch,” said Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D., co-founder of www.HerMentorCenter.com.
Divorce360 asked its experts to share lists of behavior to look for if you suspect your spouse is cheating. Based on their responses, we’ve compiled two gender-based list to help.
HOW TO KNOW HE’S CHEATING:
- He Shows Changes in Cell Phone or Computer Use.
“You may notice that he doesn’t answer his cell phone when he’s out with you, letting the call go straight to voicemail. Or he deletes text messages and computer history,” Della Casa suggests. Another sign, according to Tessina, is if he puts a password (or a new password) you don’t know on his e-mail and spends more time on it than he used to. Or perhaps his briefcase, backpack, or wallet are now off limits to you, Houston added. - He Fights More Often.
“He may start fights with you over trivial things that never used to bother him and then storm out,” Della Casa suggests. - He Changes His Appearance.
“Pay attention if he buys new clothes and changes his appearance,” Della Casa suggests. “He might begin wearing cologne when he didn’t before or start. wearing it more frequently. Or he could go from wearing cotton briefs to silk boxer shorts, from white underwear to colors,” Houston says. “And now he’s showering more often, usually right after he gets home.” - He Doesn’t Want to Be Seen with You.
Major signs that he’s straying are that he walks ahead of you when you’re out and about, and he refuses to be affectionate with you in public. - He Has Work-Related Changes.
“Take notice if he stays late at work, goes in weekends, etc. – especially if there’s no extra income.” Tessina suggests. “Or he’s traveling for work, but doesn’t call often when he’s away.” Della Casa sees an issue if “he doesn’t take you along to work parties or other events where other spouses are being included.” - His Attitude Changes.
“He’s suddenly happier,” Tessina says, “Or he has a personality change — becoming more or less talkative.” “Affection stops altogether or he showers you with affection and or gifts out of guilt,” Della Casa said. - He’s Never in the Mood.
Della Casa says a clear sign is a lack of sexual desire. “Maybe he goes to bed before or after you or sleeps with his back to you. This is often a way of disconnecting emotionally. On the flip side, he may suddenly trya ll sorts of new things in bed.” Houston says, “Maybe now he’s now taking a male enhancement pill like Viagra but isn’t having sex with you.” - Unexplained Absences.
“Is he engaging in hobbies, sports, or outdoor activities (fishing, hunting, camping) or hanging out with the guys a lot more than he used to?” Houston asks. - Money is Missing.
All of a sudden there’s money missing from your bank accounts. He could very well be spending on wining, dining ,and buying gifts for his mistress. - His Tastes Change.
“When you go out to eat, he orders types of food that you’ve never known him to order before,” Houston says. “Or he suddenly becomes interested in new types of music he never listened to before, or buys a book or movie that’s totally unlike him but says he just wants to try something new.”
HOW TO KNOW SHE’S CHEATING:
- She Doesn’t Want to Hold Hands.
She stops asking for affection, which according to Tessina is a clear sign of disinterest. - She Goes Out More.
“She goes out more, saying she’s spending time with her girlfriends,” Tessina says. “Or maybe,” Della Casa suggests, “She has a particular friend she says she’s with, one she trusts to cover for her if you ask questions.” Says Houston, “Be wary if she’s gone for long periods of time, saying she’s shopping or at a day spa.” - Her Attitude Changes.
“She’s glowing, or she’s guilty,” Tessina says, “Or she was depressed but now she’s very, very busy.” - She Changes Her Looks.
“If she cares more about her appearance, this is a sign. She might be wearing heavier makeup or wearing make-up more often.” Tessina says. “Maybe she’s working out or dressing up more than she used to, but when she’s home with you, she wears sweats and no makeup,” Della Casa added. - She Doesn’t Talk to You.
“Pay attention if she gets secretive about what she’s doing,” Tessina advises. - She Goes Shopping – A Lot.
“She comes home with new clothes or new underwear that you never see her wear,” Della Casa suggests. “Or, she changes from wearing plain white lingerie to bras and panties in colors and lacy fabrics, from regular panties to thongs, etc.” Houston adds. - She’s Always Angry.
“She may argue with you over little things that never bothered her before,” Della Casa said. - Privacy Becomes an Issue.
“Her purse, computer, or other personal effects could suddenly become off limits,” Houston says. - She’s Spending More Money.
“She may suddenly more money on her appearance, going out, and other red flag areas,” Houston says. - Her Tastes Change.
“Notice if she starts cooking or eating types of food you’ve known her to enjoy before (ethnic, vegetarian, health food),” Houston says. “She may also buy books, music, or movies that aren’t in keeping with her usual tastes.”
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