Divorce Support: Experts Say Finding Support Can Help Ease Pain of Loss
When 57-year old Joan Brown faced divorce, she never expected it to end all relationships she once had with friends, neighbors, and family.
“Neighbors look at you with pity,” she says.”The worst is seeing them watch you and pointing at your house. No family members on his side or mutual friends have called.”
Brown left her job at a non-profit organization due to disability. From that point on, she says, everyone from her husband to former friends and her her mother-in-law spread rumors about her – from saying that her disability was fake to rumors about her husband leaving her, some so painful that she refuses to repeat them.
“It’s very embarrassing. My daughter hears about it at school. It’s hard to deal with people talking about you behind your back.”
Statistics show that today, half of all marriages end in divorce. But what statistics don’t show is what it is like to live with divorce. For Brown, who lives in a Minneapolis suburb, it is difficult to go out without feeling the stigma.
“The area we live in is kind of a small community. You always run into everyone. When you see people turning their backs and walking quickly, you know that they’re trying to avoid you,” she says.
According to therapist Hope Weiss, the stigma we feel about divorce may not be placed on us by society — we may be placing it on ourselves. “I think people still put a stigma on divorce themselves. I don’t think society put a stigma as much as it used to,” says Weiss, an LCSW in Longmont, Col.
According to Weiss, one reason divorcees don’t seek support from others is because they expect people to think negatively. “Sometimes people think that people won’t be as supportive, and they will be supportive. Other people may not have the same negative view.”
FIND SUPPORT WITH FAMILY
The solution, she says, is to find support through friends and family. But what if, like Brown, nobody is there to help you? “I recommend that people reach out to the people they already have in their life and if they’re not getting support, they need a new support system,” Weiss says.
That new support system could come in the form of new friends, therapy or via a support group. One such group is Rebuilding, founded by Dr. Bruce Fisher. The 10-week program is found in all 50 states and in Australia, Canada, Mexico and the United Kingdom.
“I recommend Rebuilding,” says Weiss. “It can be overwhelming for people because there are so many changes, but it’s about starting a new life.” If there aren’t any Rebuilding support groups in your area, the program books are sold online at Rebuilding.org. Another option is a faith-based support group. Hyde Park Baptist Church in Austin, Texas, is one of many churches hosting weekly divorce support classes.
“People think they’re the only ones who have walk through this, and that’s not true,” says Chuck Haddox, Hyde Park’s singles minister. “God has hope and a future for them despite divorce.”
Hyde Park Baptist Church uses a 13-week program called Divorce Care. Similar to a class, participants set goals, talk through issues and answer ice breaker questions. Haddox says the group works to form a dialogue.
“People think it happens to someone else. It’s like the car accident that you see on the road that happens to someone else. People never expect it to happen to them, but it can happen to anyone.”
“I think people who are divorced often times feel isolated and need outside people to help them with hurt.” Haddox believes that stigma on divorce is caused by a negative environment.
By participating in a positive group, he says, divorcees will feel more confident. “It’s not our intention to put people down as Christians and say, ‘Shame on you for being divorced,’ and place that stigma on them. We say, ‘We want to help you through it.'”
The most important thing, Hope Weiss says, is not blaming yourself. “People feel that they have to choose sides. If they’re friends with both the husband and the wife who are divorcing, sometimes they’ll feel awkward.”
She says the answer, besides seeking support from others, is to avoid giving in to gossip. “It’s gonna happen. People gossip,” Weiss says. “It would be about reminding yourself that you made the right decision. Parents may also feel they have loyalty to their son and may be betraying him by staying friends with the ex-wife.”
Weiss suggests that children, for whom divorce can be twice as difficult, should attend play therapy. “It helps kids realize that it wasn’t their fault. It gives them a place to play and talk about their feelings and helps the parents put focus on the kids and adjust to changes becoming a single parent.”
As for Joan Brown, she hopes that someone – an old friend or neighbor – will eventually support her. “If I learned of someone’s divorce, I would ask people, ‘Is there anything I can do for you?’ I only wish someone were there for me.”
