Parenting: Giving Your Kids The Tools They Need to Become Successful
Moms and dads are unique creatures. We take on a heck of a role and a big responsibility when we become moms and dads whether, we’ve chosen the title or not. I say choose, because some of us, may not have chosen to be a mom or a dad, let alone a single parent, nor the responsibilities that come along with it.
It’s bonus if we grew up in a loving, caring, ‘healthy’ family. But I dare to say, that most of us reading this article, did not. I say that because the divorce rate is sky high and break-ups affect how we parent, like it or not, whether we were from a well-adjusted family or not. I say that too, because some families have a secret, something they’re ashamed of, something that is not spoken of in public or at family functions, something, that may not even be out in the open, but ‘felt’ when family members get together.
So, although we may have ‘hidden’ these things from our children, sooner or later it affects how we parent and the ‘secret’ seeps out, one way or another. Given that, we can only do our best with what we know and what we practice as a parent. It is one thing to know how to parent our children and a completely different thing to apply our knowledge to our day-to-day skills to actually parent our children.
We know that without food, shelter and safety, our children will not grow up to be healthy and secure individuals. We do our best to assure that they are fed, clothed, and safe. It almost seems natural to feed the children first.
Yet some of us, as single parents, have different priorities at various times in our lives or face various problems such as addictions, unemployment, or health risks that prevent us or reduce the probability of providing constant primary care to our children. Some of us are afraid, in denial or simply unaware of asking for help or assistance when times are bad. Help and assistance is there when we ask.
Are your priorities in line with being able to provide your children with their basic needs? If they are not, what’s one thing you can do today to take responsibility and shift your priorities, in order to have your children’s basic needs met our child(ren) need us for different reasons as they mature.
At the very beginning, they need us to provide the basic needs food, safety, and shelter. Then, they need us to discover what love and belonging is and they learn that by being exposed to loving relationships, which may also include friends, teammates, and neighbors. All along, they also need us to help them develop their self-esteem. And finally, they need us so that they can self-actualize and become all they can be.
So how about it, what can you provide your children, no matter the age, so that all their needs can be met? Once the basic needs are met, according to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, we long for a sense of love and belonging which contributes to self esteem and acceptance. This need can be filled by being exposed to loving relationships, which may include relationships with other family members, friends, teammates, and neighbors.
When our children are young, we have more control over the people that they are exposed to and introduced to.
How can you assure that the environment your young children grow up in and around is a loving and caring one? As they get older, our children have more choices as to who they are exposed to on a day to day basis. We still, however, have control over the environment where these relationships are available. For example, we choose the neighborhoods we live in, the schools our children attend and the areas where they may play sports, and take other lessons.
We choose to set limits with the iInternet so that they are not exposed to unhealthy relationships that may develop virtually. What environment(s) do you feel is a safe environment for your children?
How can you contribute to making their environments a healthy, loving and safe place where they’ll be able to learn and feel love and a sense of belonging, thus enhancing their self-esteem and self-acceptance? Self-esteem is not always understood.
Self-esteem is not just about feeling good about one’s self. To me, it also means truly accepting who we are and being okay with it. As our children grow, we may see their natural abilities, skills and gifts come to surface more. Sometimes those natural gifts and strengths may not fit with our plans or with what we desire for our children or may not be nurtured for other valid reasons. They are, nevertheless, natural to them.
We may have our children involved in certain sports, crafts, lessons and they may not naturally look forward to them. Yet they just love other things and can’t be pulled away from it.
What are those things? What is it that you can’t pull your child away from? These may be early passions that could develop into great passions and a life time of pure joy and happiness. Some of us may worry that our children’s natural abilities could and would only get them in trouble as they get older.
I challenge you to think of where this ability would be beneficial when they get older and to find the proper environment that would nurture these gifts in a positive way, today. Our job, as parents is to be aware of these gifts, and to nurture them despite not being in agreement with them, or not fully understanding them or accepting them. They are what makes our children unique and what will help them be a contributing member in our society. Our acceptance of that, and nurturing of it, is what our children need from us, in order to accept themselves and to love themselves for who they are.
The trick is to observe as they grow, listen to what they say and to what they do not say, to pay attention to what they may feel under certain circumstances and to talk with them about this so that they can understand, accept and learn to change as necessary. We hope to be the best mom and dad we can be, and we strive for it. As our children grow and become more independent, our role changes and their needs change.
We must adapt ourselves to the ever changing needs that our children have and this isn’t always easy. It is to recognize it, to accept it and to adjust to it that is challenging. We know, that as our children get older, they not only become more independent but they also eventually leave home. If we’ve provided our children with what they need to feel safe, loved, happy to be who they are, and loving themselves for who they are, they will be on their way to become all they can be; a self-actualizing and authentic individual. Our world needs more individuals who will continue the nurturing we’ve started as parents.
