Legal: 10 Mistakes Most People Make when They Divorce
Divorce is a tumultuous time for most people. So, before pursuing legal counsel, it’s best to define your goals. If you decide to meet with an attorney, be prepared to answer the following questions.
1. What result do you want?
At that first attorney/client meeting, be prepared to discuss what result you want from the divorce proceedings.
- Do you want to save your marriage?
- Do you want to get out of your marriage with the least amount of emotional damage?
- Is it imperative that you stay out of court?
- If you have children, what type of custody arrangements do you want and why?
- What custody arrangement can you sustain? There is nothing worse for a child than to believe that he or she will be spending time with a parent who chronically cancels, is a no-show or constantly late.
Some clients wind up paying for a lot of billable time just sorting out these issues. And, until thought is given to what you expect and want (not always the same thing!), much time can be wasted (and billed to you).
2. What are you hiding?
This may also be hard to grapple with, but some people have assets they do not disclose to their family law attorney. In California, this can be disastrous, for if the spouse and the family law court learn of any hidden assets, the judge just might award those assets, in total, to the opposing party, as well as punitive damages.
Once attorney’s case involved a woman who had won the lottery. She kept the windfall from her husband, cashing in as she and her estranged husband were going through their divorce. When the judge learned of her lack of forthrightness, he awarded the entire lottery payout to the husband and the appellate court concurred.
Make sure you disclose everything of a financial nature including assets, liabilities, income, expenses, opportunities for investments, etc., that could impact your case. Some attorneys will fire clients who are not upfront in this regard.
3. Is the attorney you have retained the appropriate choice?
It is not uncommon to hire a lawyer who is a friend, but this can be a huge mistake. The better option is to find an attorney with whom you can enjoy a cordial and professional relationship — one that has an excellent reputation, but one with whom you do not fraternize “— at least until after the matter is concluded.
4. Are you trying to run the show?
Another mistake some make is they find it difficult to turn the reins over to the attorney — bringing a whole new meaning to the term meddling. It is imperative that you become the client. Let your counsel run the show, but with significant input by you.
5. Are you willing to give to get?
Step back and make a fair assessment of who should get what. In other words, ask yourself what would be fair to both parties, rather than fuel what may already be a volatile situation. When there is a divorce, both parties usually have to give to get. Think negotiation. Think parity.
6. Are your emotions running roughshod over your rationale?
Do you spend time obsessing about your divorce? Are you making decisions based upon how you feel rather than how you think? Step back. Keep a cap on your emotions. Get to a qualified therapist on those days when your emotions seem to be running the show.
7. Are your affairs in order?
The day you separated, did you take the time and due diligence to separate your finances? Have you left yourself vulnerable in any regard along these lines with your soon-to-be-ex? For instance, have you forgotten to close that line of credit, or do you intentionally want to leave it open? Do you still have bank accounts and stock accounts that should require two signatures to use the funds, now that you are separating? And what about your joint credit cards? Do you have the deed to your property, a copy of that Prenuptial Agreement in hand, a complete accounting of your liabilities as well as your assets? Have you changed your Will, your Trusts, if you are not under restraining order? If the answer is no to any of these questions, hunker down and take care of business. It could save you a lot of grief — added stress you just don’t need at a time like this.
8. Are you using the same business professionals as your soon-to-be ex?
Many people think nothing of sharing the same accountant, estate planning attorney, housekeeper, banker, stockbroker and other business professionals, but this is, generally, not a good idea. Indeed, in some instances, sharing the same professional is forbidden without a confidentiality waiver. If you are going your separate ways, that means it may be best to break all business ties with those who may potentially have conflicts in servicing you. Believe it or not, this might even include your dentist, therapist and doctors, too. The only individuals you should share are your children.
9. Are you prudent in your written communications?
Much of today’s communication is conducted by e-mail and text messages. These lines of communication can be, and often are, used in a court of law. Today, computers can be seized and emails can be retrieved during discovery and compiled as evidence. Before you put fingers to the keyboard, think about what you are about to say. Caustic remarks, threats, and bursts of anger can all cost you dearly. So can dishonesty — moving money, hiding assets, etc. The written word can last forever, so before impulsively reacting to the nasty message your ex just sent to you in an email or shooting off a mean one of your own, think again. One bad email can jeopardize the outcome of your divorce.
10. Are you talking too much?
When any person is going through a divorce, it is not uncommon to talk about it to friends and colleagues. Save the venting for the therapist or the attorney you hired to take on your case. Divorce is often accompanied with regret of some kind. Avoid making foolish mistakes in this regard, because they may come back to haunt you.
