Relationships: You Can Improve Your Marriage if You Want to Work at It
Is there any hope of saving your marriage? There are no easy answers to this question. The bottom line, according to three experts, is it depends on how much both parties want to work on the relationship. They’ve shared a list of tips to help couples in crisis.
1. Sometimes to improve a situation, we must learn how to make it worse.
“Every day, spend a few moments and think: If today I wanted to voluntarily worsen my situation, what are all of the things that I could say or not say, do or not do, even think or not think, to worsen my situation?” says Chad Hybarger, Psy.D., clinical director of the Family Therapy Institute in El Cajon, Calif. By examining this, he says, you can become aware of the steps to make it better. You might be surprised to discover that what you are doing actually is making the situation worse.
2. “Ask yourself, ‘Is my spouse misbehaving for a reason or not?'” Hybarger suggests.
Is the misbehavior the cause of your marital problem or the effect of it? Sometimes people misbehave because there is something wrong in the relationship that hasn’t been addressed. If that’s the case, address the issue. When the misbehavior has no reason, the problem may be the individual. When a problem is an individual problem that is spilling over into the relationship, the relationship problem can become a distraction that allows one to avoid dealing with the problem. If this is the case, try putting the responsibility of the problem back on the person.
3. Know when to talk, and when not to.
When faced with a problem, do you keep it to yourself or tell others about the problem? According to Hybarger, if you are the silent type, you should try sharing your thoughts with your mate. On the other hand, if you tend to tell your friends, family, and anyone who will listen about your problems, institute a conspiracy of silence. Sometimes when we talk too much, it can act as a fertilizer to make the problem grow.
4. Use reverse psychology.
If your relationship problem involves a spouse who likes to break the rules and it’s driving you crazy, try using reverse psychology. “Encourage them,” Hybarger suggests. “If that seems too bold, tone it down, but keep the logic by telling them I’d like it if you would do ______, but I don’t think you’re capable.”
5. Keep a balance.
When in doubt, Hybarger suggests you remember a Persian proverb: Those who love earnestly are doomed, but those that love with irony shall find contentment.
6. Learn how to communicate.
Linda Thema, a licensed clinical social worker in Venice, Florida, suggests reading books on the subject and attending marital enhancement counseling workshops. Communication is a lifelong skill that improves with effort.
7. Seek out a therapist.
If you’re uncertain how to find one, consider word-of-mouth referrals or ask your physician. If none of those things work for you, go through the phone book and call therapists. Ask for five minutes of their time by phone to interview them or a 30-minute, face-to-face consultation before committing.If you don’t know what to ask, tell them a little about your problem and then ask them to tell you a little about how they would help, Thema says.
8. Be sure you and your partner have a clear mission statement about your marriage.
Thema believes that most people will tell you what they are getting out of the partnership rather than what they are giving. Part of the mission statement should say something about what you can do to help your partner become all they can be and how they can do the same for you. This helps the relationship through evolution and change. It isn’t a matter of nurturing him/her to be what you want him/her to be — but what he/she wants to be.
9. What’s my capacity for commitment?
“What does it mean in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer?” Thema suggests that most people don’t make the distinction between being in love and being loving through difficult times.
10. Each partner has to be responsible for their own thoughts and communicating then.
According to Thema, there is a lot of myth about marriage, but relationships require a lot of discipline. In other words, a relationship is good because we devote time to it. This is a lot like your garden — even when there is a drought.
11. Learn to listen.
Chris Cortman, Psy.D., has a private family practice in Florida. He says listening is essential. This helps a spouse feel like their feelings are being validated. When they don’t feel this way, they usually have an affair or leave. Other responses include staying in the relationship for economic reasons or because of the children and withdrawing emotionally and perhaps sexually.
12. Invest in the relationship.
“Take time every week that come hell or high water you and your spouse will go on at date,” Cortman says. The dating rules include not talking about the children or discussing bills. Remember, you used to talk, play, laugh and love. You weren’t attracted to one another by bills, jobs, and children.
13. “Ask for help,” Cortman says.
If you have a friend willing to keep your conversation confidential, this outlet can be helpful. Or, talk to a physician, family, or clergy.
