Infidelity: Nine Steps to Saving your Marriage after your Spouse Admits Cheating on You
When The Globe published photos of Frank Gifford’s affair with Suzen Johnson in 1997, the public wondered what would happen to Gifford’s marriage to Kathie Lee. The same question arose last week after former presidential candidate John Edwards admitted having an affair with a 42-year-old film producer, who has since had a child.
Edwards, who has denied the child is his, has said he told his wife, Elizabeth, he cheated on her shortly after the affair took place in 2006. At the time, he said his wife was in remission for breast cancer, which has since spread to her bones, becoming inoperable.
Edwards’ infidelity became widely public after he met the woman, Rielle Hunter, late in July at a hotel in Beverly Hills and was chased into a hotel bathroom by reporters from The National Enquirer, a tabloid that broke the story in October 2007, while Edwards was on the campaign trail. The story has since become fodder among Internet bloggers, who finally pushed it into the mainstream press.
Many couples have privately experienced the private pain suffered by Kathy Lee and Elizabeth Edwards. A University of Chicago study found that every year, four to six percent of American marriages experience infidelity, with 25 percent of all marriages affected by the pain of infidelity sometime during the marriage.
Dr. Don David Lusterman, author of Infidelity: A Survivor’s Guide,” works with many couples whose marriages have been devastated by infidelity. He’s found that 75-80 percent of those who are willing to work on things end up with a better marriage. For this reason, he believes that most marriages do not end because of infidelity. They end because people didn’t know how to conduct them.
If the betrayed partner decides to stay, Lusterman believes marriages can survive an affair, as long as both parties are willing to do the hard work necessary to achieve an authentic relationship.
NINE STEPS TO RESTORING A MARRIAGE
1. First of all, survive.
The stress of adultery is tough on any body. With the publicity surrounding her husband’s affair, Elizabeth Edwards still has to concentrate on her own health, given her battle against cancer.
If you’re the victim of infidelity, keeping your health up is important. While you may lose your appetite or crave carbs, as much as possible, try to eat right. Stay away from alcohol or any other unhealthy habits.Try to get your sleep, even if you have to ask your doctor for something to help you.
2. Don’t judge yourself for your choice to stay.
Before finding out their own spouse has had an affair, many people have said what they would or wouldn’t do if their spouse cheated, only to do the opposite when it happens to them. When it’s your marriage, your kids, and your home that are on the line, many people decide to swallow their hurt and pride try and save the marriage.
I had been married at that point for 11 years to a man I adored who had never given me one reason ever to doubt his sincerity or to not to trust him. So this was an aberration in my husband’s life,” Kathie Lee told Larry King when he asked her why she’d stayed. …How am I going to throw something so valuable away because he made a stupid mistake?”
Elizabeth’s response has been similar: “Although John believes he should stand alone and take the consequences of his action now, when the door closes behind him, he has his family waiting for him,” she wrote in a statement to the public.
3. Don’t judge yourself for your reaction.
The more invested you are in your marriage, the greater the shock and hurt. So, for many people, the initial response to discovering an affair is pretty messy. I’ve seen very cultured gentle people, who never curse, completely break down and do a lot of screaming and swearing,” said Dr. Lusterman.
4. Be forthcoming about the details of the affair(s).
Knowing what has happened is an important part of unraveling the deception that was part of the adultery. John Edwards has said did just that with his wife and his family as a way to atone for his actions.
That’s appropriate, according to Dr. Lusterman, who said deception often creates feelings of craziness” in the spouse. Getting clear about exactly what occurred when begins the arduous process of restoring trust. This doesn’t involve every gory detail and exactly what happened between the adulterer and his lover.
What’s important is how was I lied to,” Dr. Lusterman said. That involves time lines, reconstruction of travel, business arrangements, and other details. Once that’s done and some comforting occurs, then we can work on “normal” marriage problems.”
5. Learn how to communicate honestly.
When I see a couple who are not communicating about important things, who go day after day and never talk about what hurts them, I know there’s hurt underneath that can lead to problems,” Dr. Lusterman said. One of harbingers of infidelity is that one or both parties are really bad at talking about what matters. So, if they’re going to save the marriage, people really have to develop a method of speaking with great honesty.”
Whether you decide to stay or not, therapists advise that you find some way to communicate with your spouse. The spouse will be hurt if they just walk away. The more you talk, even if the outcome is the sad ending of what you started with vows, the better off you are, because even if the marriage is dead, the other person is still alive and you will need to cooperate about your kids. Keeping the conversation going keeps you from losing the ability to be a full parent,” said Dr. Lusterman.
6. Find good help.
You can’t do this on your own. So, find a good therapist or sign up for one of the marriage recovery programs listed below. Better yet, do both.
7. Help the wounded spouse with their post-traumatic stress.
Finding out your spouse has had an affair is extremely traumatic, especially if you believe the contract of monogamy still applies. The PTSD associated with affairs has two prominent features “ hyper-alertness and numbness accompanied by alternating extremes of emotions. Victims feel like a rapidly cycling bi-polar. He’s five minutes late for dinner. She thinks, “that’s what he did when he was having the affair.’ So, she thinks he’s with someone else, now. When he does show up, she’s loaded for bear,” Dr. Lusterman said.
Lusterman believes the betrayer must help the wounded spouse become comfortable again by telling them whatever it is they need to know to feel safe and the person who has been hurt needs to learn how to take a step back from strong emotions and say, I’m having a really crappy day. Can we talk? Can you be there for me?”
When couples can do this, they have really learned how to talk,” Lusterman said. And that bodes well for the marriage because a good marriage is a good conversation that never really stops.”
8. Become empathetic.
One of things Lusterman works very hard on is to get a level of conversation going where the betrayer can become empathic to the level of suffering they caused their mate.That’s something, apparently, John Edwards has worked on as well. “Two years ago I made a very serious mistake, a mistake that I am responsible for and no one else. In 2006, I told Elizabeth about the mistake, asked her for her forgiveness, asked God for his forgiveness,” he said.
9. Forgive.
This is not an easy step and it can’t be done quickly because in order to truly forgive, you have to stare the horror of what has happened full in the face. Two years since his confession to his wife, Elizabeth Edwards’ statement to the public suggests that she has forgiven her husband’s transgression.
“Our family has been through a lot,” she wrote. “Some caused by nature, some caused by human weakness, and some most recently caused by the desire for sensationalism and profit without any regard for the human consequences. None of these has been easy. But we have stood with one another through them all.”
RESOURCES TO HELP REPAIR YOUR MARRIAGE
PAIRS (Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills) PAIRS has taught thousands to remove barriers to love and passion and create lasting relationships that are filled with love, pleasure and happiness. Programs across the country and around the world.
Call: 888- 724-7748
www.pairs.com
Retrovaille- (Retro-vi) “means lifeline and rhymes with apple pie” A program for couples with serious problems who are disillusioned, separated and/or on the brink of divorce. You’ll be helped by couples who have also “been to the brink” “ who have experienced serious problems including affairs “ but who have worked their way back to each other.This program (85 prcentsuccessful when both partners work at it) teaches simple techniques of communication and exercises to work on forgiveness, healing, and restoration of trust. The program begins with a weekend and includes 12 follow-up meetings over three months. These are not spiritual retreats, sensitivity groups, seminars or social gatherings “ there are no counselors involved and you don’t have to say anything in front of anyone else. Couples discuss the topics and practice the skills in private. Blank-envelope-donation system. Open to couples of all faiths and to the non-religious. To find a program in your area: 800-470-2230
http://www.retrouvaille.org/
The Third Option
Couples can either divorce, stay miserably married, or chose a third option “ get help. Led by Pat Ennis, MSW, this ongoing marriage enrichment/marriage crisis group program uses a drop-in format, skill building and sharing by couples that have overcome great difficulties. A self-contained manual & videos make the program easy to implement in your church or community. For couples or individuals at any stage from engaged to long-married seeking enrichment or divorce prevention. Call: 315-472-6728
E-mail: pat@thethirdoption.com
The Healing Heart
Affair Recovery Forum — for the betrayed partner.
www.cosa-recovery.org
New Life Partners
A Christian online resource and support group for women whose lives have been impacted by husbands or loved ones caught in the web of pornography and/or sexual addiction.
www.newlifepartners.org
Dr. Don-David Lusterman
Information about Dr. Lusterman’s books and useful links.
www.drlusterman.com
Dr. Shirley Glass
The late Dr. Glass’ Web site includes a number of informative articles about infidelity.
www.shirleyglass.com
The National Registry of Marriage Friendly Therapists
http://www.marriagefriendlytherapists.com
