It’s Time To Start Looking Forward To What’s Next
For the newly divorced, facing Valentine’s Day can be a challenge. Yet rather than allowing the holiday to challenge you, challenge yourself to make the best of it. The right perspective and a little bit of planning can go a long way toward making this Valentine’s Day as painless and enjoyable as possible.
Rather than mourning the loss of a relationship, celebrate your emergence into a world of new possibilities,” says
Rosalind Sedacca, author of “How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook⢠Guide to Preparing Your Children “ with Love! “Try to treat the holiday as a chance to look ahead rather than behind. As psychotherapist Alan Allard puts it, try thinking of yourself as newly single versus newly divorced.”
Since Valentine’s Day is typically associated with getting gifts, some single people have a hard time coping with the idea of not receiving anything from an admirer or lover. But instead of wallowing in how one is not receiving love, the newly-divorced can think about how they might extend love for someone else in need,” says Dr. Ellie Izzo, an experienced therapist, divorce coach, public speaker and author of “The Bridge to I Am: Rapid Advance Psychotherapy.”
The key is to become involved in some activity that is charitable in its orientation and takes the blue person out of ruminating about their own personal loneliness. Reach out to other single people who are struggling. There are divorce groups, Parents without Partners, Domestic Abuse Shelters, homeless shelters, crisis nurseries, nursing homes, etc., all brimming with single and/or lonely people. Bring them flowers, candy, cookies, stuffed animals.
Do something that enriches the spirit of someone else and it will surely heal your own! “If you still feel like receiving a Valentine, why not write one to your future self? Sedacca suggests writing a list of changes you want to make in your life over the next year, including what you hope for in a future relationship. Put the list in an envelope in a safe place and vow to take it out and read it again next Valentine’s Day to acknowledge all that you have achieved!”
And remember that just because you are alone right now, it does not mean this will always be the case. Remind yourself that you are in the process of learning about love so you can create the relationship that you most desire the next time,” advises Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman, dating expert, a licensed psychologist, and director of My Dating School.
And don’t forget the power of positive thinking. How we identify ourselves drives how we communicate to ourselves and others and how we feel and act. Shed the ‘divorced’ label and don a more empowering one: ‘Single,’ or ‘Single for now’ if you wish to be in an ongoing relationship again,” says Alan Allard, an executive coaching specialist.
You can also avoid the Valentine’s Day Blues by making plans ahead of time. When we’re grieving a loss, we tend to be at a low point in our resources, so we react rather than choosing our actions. But reaction can get us caught in a victim cycle,” says Barb Nefer, a certified mental health professional. Instead, by making a plan for Valentine’s Day beforehand, you take power over the situation so grief can’t sneak up on you. And you create the atmosphere so you can focus on self-care vs. getting stuck in a cycle of self-pity.”
To enjoy the holiday, make plans to go out for dinner, dancing or a movie with friends, or make a plan to do something out-of-the-ordinary for yourself like getting a massage or visiting a psychic.If you feel ready to date again but are having trouble meeting people, try online dating. I’m a big fan of online dating for singles,” says counselor Kristin Cavins. I think it’s a wonderful way for people to dip their toes in the dating pool. If you’re looking for a pick-me-up, it’s good to post a profile, browse and just see what’s out there.”
FOR MORE INFORMATION:
Learn more about Alan Allard at
www.alanallard.com.
For all sorts of singles’ resources, visit
www.mydatingschool.com.
Learn more about Kristin Cavins at
www.keycounselingservices.com.
Mandy Vemulapalli is a freelance writer living in Chandler, Ariz. She has an MFA in Creative Writing from UNLV and currently writes for BizAZ Magazine, Woman’s World Magazine and various Web sites.
