Why is mid-life so wrought with angst for women?
If you’ve reached middle age, do you ever think to yourself: “I keep wondering if this is all there is”?
A lot of us have that feeling.
Like many 50-somethings, you may be an empty-nester or an about-to-be-empty-nester. You’re likely either 20-something years into a marriage or any number of years divorced. You’re often in midlife, crisis or not — a time when you may be questioning what you’ve done, what you haven’t done, and where you want to be.
Perhaps you’ve read Monique Honaman’s provocative post, I Just Wish He Would Have an Affair, in which she detailed how many wives have confided in her that they just don’t want to be married anymore. And this is why: These women are done. They say they aren’t happy. They say they aren’t in love with their husbands (or any other man, because they aren’t having affairs). They say they simply wish they were no longer married. They aren’t fulfilled. They wonder if this is how they are doomed to live the rest of their lives (and most of them have another 40+ years ahead of them). The common factor among all of these women is that they say that their husbands are really solid, good, nice men. They just don’t want to be married to them anymore because they have fallen out of love.
Honaman doesn’t say how old these women are or how long they’ve been married, but since she indicates they have another 40-plus years ahead of them, it seems that they are middle-aged.
So why is midlife so wrought with angst for women? One study found that age 48 is the pivotal year for women’s unhappiness and women tend to be more prone to depression anyway. But at midlife, women are dealing with menopause, the loss of their role as nurturer, the loss of youth and beauty, etc.
And, sure — some women have been inspired by the “Eat, Pray, Love” syndrome: After raising a family and tending to the home and baking Lord-knows-how-many brownies for Boy Scout fundraisers and volunteering to drive on countless field trips while doing paid or non-paid work (and, yes, being a stay-at-home parent is work), many feel it’s finally “me” time. We want to stop nurturing others and start nurturing ourselves. We want to feel a little bit selfish instead of selfless, even if we don’t find ourselves in Italy or India.
According to Jane Fonda, older women are “the most dangerous on the planet.” Why? “We have nothing to lose!” she says.
That doesn’t mean all middle-aged women are filing for divorce. There are many women who live in loveless and sexless marriages for a variety of reasons. As Pamela Haag discovered while researching her book Marriage Confidential, 33 percent of respondents agreed that ‘even if you’re unhappy, you should stick it out for the children.’ That’s up from 20 percent in a 1970 survey. And as Pamela Paul detailed in the New York Times piece, The Un-divorced, many couples live together but have separate lives. So much for being married happily ever after.
But since two-thirds of all divorces are initiated by women and many women tend to do well after divorce, a person can’t help but wonder — are middle-aged women done with men?
For some, yes. There are many who put aside their needs, including sexual, to focus on their kids. There are also many women who prefer the company of girlfriends to men, throw themselves into their career and travel, and relish their freedom. There are also many women who want to find love again but give up — frustrated, unhappy, or uncomfortable with the 50-plus dating scene.
And then there are older women who are happily dating or in relationships. According to an AARP study, most divorced women in midlife do find someone new — 75 percent of women in their 50s reported enjoying serious, exclusive relationships after their divorces, and often within two years, compared with 81 percent of men in their 50s (although more older men tend to marry again than older women).
All of which would indicate that, no, women in their 50s and beyond are most certainly not done with men.
But they just may be done with marriage.
A version of this article appeared on Vicki Larson’s personal blog, OMG Chronicles.
