Five Signs That You May Be Headed Into Divorce Court
Divorce is like a freight train, experts say. But while most everyone sees the faint light in the distance long before its iron chassis and churning wheels are right on top of them, many like to ignore the impending end and convince themselves that the light is really nothing.
There are always signals but you may not understand them,” said Bonnie Russell, a Del Mar, Calif., divorcee and owner of a professional referral service, who has her own experience with the topic. You bump into people and they aren’t as friendly as they normally were. You think, ‘That’s odd,’ but looking back, you realize that they knew that your spouse is having an affair. You may not know that they are cheating on you but everyone else does.”
While many marriages end because there was an affair, research varies on just what percentage of divorces are the result of an extramarital relationship. A common percentage cited is 20 percent, based on 35 years of research conducted by John Gottman, Ph.D. But psychiatrist and former columnist for Psychology Today, Frank Pittman’s findings from a 1997 study, point to a much larger percentage: 50 percent.
Several marital attorneys who have a steady diet of divorce daily agree that the number of divorces they litigate due to infidelity is larger. Probably it’s more like 60 percent has had affairs or are having affairs. But that’s anecdotal,” said
Dawn Cardi, a matrimonial lawyer of 28 years, currently in private practice in Manhattan. I find they will blame the affair for the breakup, but often the affair is the catalyst or the symptom. And when I speak to the parties, I find they say this marriage has not been functioning for a very long time, long before the affair.”
When an extramarital affair is a precursor to a divorce, the signs leading to divorce can be a little bit different, according to some experts, often adding a dimension of secrecy or outright lying to the mix on the part of the spouse who is cheating.
But overall, most agree that the following signs are indicative that your marriage is ripe for ending.
1.A fall off in frequency and quality of intimacy.
There is a definite lack of interest in sex and they don’t communicate about it and don’t do anything about it,” says Cardi. Or they are in very different places on it. Basically, the trigger is that sex is not working and hasn’t worked in a while.”
2. Fighting or bickering more frequently than in the past.
According to Lauri Puhn, a family and divorce attorney-mediator in New York, N.Y., and author of Instant Persuasion” (Penguin), the arguments are redundant and never get resolved. It’s the about the same topic over and over again,” she said. You are arguing over the same issue and it increases in frequency. And there is no resolution. It doesn’t go anywhere.”
Puhn says at the bottom of this and most relationship problems are communication. It’s all about knowing good communication skills and how to resolve conflicts. My research shows that 69 percent of divorcing couples have reported unresolved arguments which lead to feelings of hopelessness.”
3. Over-scheduling commitments and/or spending lots of time on the computer or Blackberry.
Less face-to-face time, when it is intentional on one or both spouses parts, is a strong indicator that a marriage is in jeopardy. Look, there’s a certain amount of work that a person has to do but if you see it’s becoming more and more and more, and it continues to increase, especially over the holidays, that’s called distancing,” said Cardi. When one partner is unwilling to spend any time for personal time for the two of you, she says, you have a problem. If you don’t spend any time together you can’t have intimacy” she said. You can’t just e-mail each other to keep your marriage together.”
4.Change in the manner in which a spouse handles his or her money.
From a lawyer’s perspective, according to Cardi, the shifting around of accounts is far more telling than a spouse may let on. People will come to me and say, ‘My husband changed accounts. He’s moving money.’ That’s a sign to me that he’s already ready to get out of the marriage and move onto the divorce stage.”
5. Daydreaming about being single or with someone other than your spouse.
According to Puhn, this is the most serious sign of all because daydreaming often happens right before the divorce. Daydreaming happens because all the other things make you start to feel hopeless,” said the 30-year-old mediator. You begin to think what would life be like if you weren’t together. Maybe you don’t actually want to get divorced, you want to stay together, but you are so disillusioned that you allow yourself to wonder what would today be like.” Which usually leaves you open for an affair, she added. If you are daydreaming, you have the greater responsibility to lead the charge or go to counseling.”
The list can go on and on, but often times varies from couple to couple. But the question that hangs in the air is: How to stop the freight train in its tracks? Talk about it and face the fact that the communication problems exist. It helps to have a third party “ a professional– involved,” said Puhn. But quite frankly, you have to fix your marriage when you start your marriage. It is a natural state for people to discover more differences and pull apart as their marriage moves along. In order to stay connected, it requires a lot of devotion and attention to detail, that’s part of the plan to not get divorced”addressing it when it happens.”
