Some Say They Would Rather Not Know About An Affair
While a recent study shows therapists of both genders often tell clients they should confess affairs to their spouses, many who have been on the receiving end of infidelity “ the cuckolded spouse, as it were “ may come to the conclusion that they would rather never have known.
Telling the spouse can be more damaging than keeping it in”, says Dr. Tracy Latz, author of “SHIFT: 12 Keys to Shift Your Life” as well as a member of the Department of Psychiatry faculty at Wake Forest University Baptist Medical Center who has counseled many patients in all stages of affairs. People often see themselves as victims when they go out to cheat.They feel they are not getting enough attention, that no one cares about them.”
For the one who has been wronged, a cheating revelation can be devastating to the psyche, Dr. Latz says. The initial response is almost always intense anger and an incredible sense of abandonment,” says Dr. Latz.
If the couple splits, especially quickly, they bring that anguish into the next relationship and sometimes, if they have not worked on the issues, patterns repeat themselves. They will carry with them an attitude that says,’I am less than,'” she explains. They start to believe that all people cheat, they will always be abandoned may unwittingly reflect that scenario and recreate it.”
Those who believe all people eventually cheat are only half right. According to a few recent studies, somewhere close to half of all married people will be unfaithful at some point during the course of their married relationships. For men, that number is slightly higher, anywhere from 50 to 60 percent.Of those who will admit to cheating in a survey, it is unclear how many of their spouses know or how many marriages ended because of it.
But one thing is clear: cheating is rarely the problem itself, Dr. Latz says.Rather, it is a symptom. There is never just one person to blame,” Latz said.
Once thought of as a deal breaker, an affair does not always have to be, says Dr. Latz. Often, I have a patient tell me how guilty they feel about cheating,” she says.Of the many patients Dr. Latz has seen over the years for infidelity, roughly one-third of the relationships have just ended. Another third have tried to work to improve the relationship.
And one-third have managed to stay together. They use the whole situation to grow,” she says.
For the third scenario, Latz says it is often better for the cuckolded spouse to know as little as possible about the affair.For many couples who do split up, the cuckolded spouse brings a host of issues into a new relationship. It may be better for them never to even know.Still, Latz says, It is very different if the spouse already knows or will find out.”
After years of counseling patients around these topics, Latz had to put some of this advice into action for herself over the past couple years in going through her own divorce. For her, finding out that her husband had been having an affair did mean the end of the marriage.But it was not the only problem, she says. The infidelity was a sign and symptom,” she says. There is always some other issue below the surface.”
In Latz’s case, it was the stress of raising three children, two thriving careers and romance that seemed to get lost in the shuffle. It is so easy to disconnect when you are exhausted,” she says. It was not my top priority to pay attention to him.”
For Dr. Latz, it was important to follow the advice she gives to patients, not to make knee-jerk responses and to try to learn and grow and even assign herself some of the blame to avoid taking on a victim mentality. “I developed an awareness of how I contributed and how he contributed,” she says.
Although she says without the affair, her marriage may have been salvaged; she does not blame the affair for its end. Two years earlier had we had to go to counseling, we could have worked through it,” she said.But in the end, the divorce has helped her learn things about herself she had never known before. It has also helped her be even more compassionate with her patients.
According to Dr. Latz, the less the cuckolded spouse knows about the affair, the better. It would only give them a film to play in their heads,” she says. That is always disastrous.”
She relayed one story of a man whose wife chose to come clean after a one-night stand.Although the husband stayed, he had monthly affairs for years, blaming her initial infidelity for all of his subsequent ones. It was not fair at all,” says Dr. Latz.In that case, the truly sorry spouse should have just kept the secret in order to save the marriage.
For Marisa of San Diego, that has been true.Married and divorced twice, she knows all of the details of her second husband’s double life “ the girlfriends all over the state, one of whom he was with even before their marriage. Sometimes she wishes she didn’t know what she knows, she says. It devastated me.”
For years, Marisa believed that she had the perfect marriage.Her husband brought her flowers, complimented her and the two shared a relatively plentiful sex life, she says. He acted like I hung the moon,” she said. It all changed in one day. Marisa discovered her husband’s infidelity because of his cell phone. He was acting suspiciously and Marisa investigated and soon discovered strange numbers at strange times.She confronted him and he eventually confessed. He had been having a few affairs,” she says. One of the women did not even know that he was married.”
To her knowledge, there were three women, but she says she is not ruling out the possibility that there may have been more.Although Marisa was shocked to find that her ex-husband was cheating and insists she did nothing to contribute to the demise of their marriage, there were parts of her own past that she admits may have contributed to her blinders.Marisa grew up in a home where her father cheated on her mother. We are drawn to people who feel safe and familiar,” she says. Most everyone is quicker to fall in love with people who are like their own parents.”
In her case, it happened twice. Her first husband also strayed. But the damage he did was far less severe. We were both just really young,” she says.The second time, it was devastating. My body literally went into shock,” said Marisa, who believes it will be years before she can
trust another partner with everything even though she currently has a boyfriend she describes as wonderful.”
I no longer trust myself or my judgment,”Marisa said, wondering if she might have been better never even knowing the truth. Honestly, I was very happy before I knew.”
While Marisa would not agree that all men would cheat if given the opportunity, she does agree that a truly repentant cheating spouse should not come clean.
She said she would encourage unfaithful spouses who are truly sorry to end their relationships discreetly, destroy all e-mail records, phone records and even change their cell number.She says cheaters should seek a clergy member or a counselor who can help them work through their guilt without telling the spouse. The pain of knowing is beyond any pain anyone should have to endure,” Marisa said. Honestly, I would rather not know any of it. This is the kind of knowledge that destroys people.”
Sasha Brown-Worsham is a freelance writer in Boston, Mass. who has written for the Boston Globe, Christian Science Monitor, Technology Review, Babble.com and many other publications.
