Ten books you need to read
With summer winding down and the kids getting ready to go back to school, the staff here at divorce360 have books on the mind. We put our heads together and came up with this Top 10 list of our favorite reads.
These helpful and popular books range from saving a marriage at the earliest warning signs to checking in with children of divorce once they’re all grown up. From practical advice to New Age meditation, from quick reads to hard slogs of tough love, there’s something here for everyone”¦
Number 10: The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study
What’s it about? How divorce affects kids, both during their childhood and also later in life
Who’s it for? Anyone who is going through a divorce with kids, who has been divorced with kids, or is a child of divorce.
Readers have called The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce “welcomed and of great comfort,” noting that the book provides context and structure” for adult children to explore and understand their feelings, enabling them to move on, happier and emotionally healthier.”
Described as a classic” and a must read,” many have advised friends considering divorce to do their homework” and read Wallerstein’s books to learn about the variety of outcomes that can arise post-divorce and the strategies of those who faired best.” Others have noted that the book will not be an easy read for many” although they believe the journey this book provides will be fruitful.”
Through numerous stories and anecdotes, authors Judith Wallerstein, Lewis, and Blakeslee examine the long-term impact of divorce on children. Wallerstein conducted a longitudinal research study of divorce dating back to the late 1970’s. The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce is the third and most recent book based on the study, checking in some 25 years later on the study’s 100 or so subjects.
Some of her subjects are children of divorce, others are in families that stay unhappily together. While children do often learn to cope with divorce, it can take a greater toll on their adult lives once children of divorce enter into relationships of their own. Fear of commitment, seeking to avoid conflict, and a sense of pre-ordained failure can doom their romantic partnerships, and other aspects of their lives, even when things appear to be going well. As one subject said, being a child of divorce is “sort of a permanent identity, like being adopted or something.”
The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce was co-written by Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee. Dr. Wallerstein, who passed away in 2012, was a psychologist and researcher. Her many books on children and divorce include What About the Kids? Raising your Children Before, After, and During Divorce and The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts. Sandra Blakeslee is a science writer with a particular interest in writing about the brain. Ms. Blakeslee’s other books include The Body Has a Mind of Its Own and Sleights of Mind.
Number 9: Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again
What’s it about? Resolving marriage problems and breaking out of unproductive patterns
Who’s it for? Anyone who wants to strengthen their relationship”with or without their partner’s active participation
Divorce Busting‘s warm, practical, engaging advice” and effective methods and techniques” have been credited with saving my marriage and my life.” Couples stuck in problem areas” benefit from the medicine” the book provides hope” to maintain peace and dignity” while working to save a marriage.
By focusing on personal behaviors” and mindset,” Divorce Busting helps people change their marriage” and be like newlyweds again.” While readers acknowledge that not every marriage can be saved,” they felt the book helped them become a better, stronger person” regardless.
Inspired by her personal experience as a child of divorce, the author believes that people don’t just fall out of love, they simply don’t have the skills they need to make love last”skills that can be acquired. Her approach is based on solution-oriented brief therapy that uses very concrete, basic information to work on present and future issues, such as remembering and focusing discussions on what worked in a relationship instead of what went wrong.
Using case histories to illustrate her techniques for one or both partners, Weiner-Davis shows readers how to leave the past behind and set attainable goals, how to break unproductive patterns, and how to make changes that last.
Inspirational and accessible, Divorce Busting shows readers in pain that working it out is better than getting out.
Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again was written by Michele Weiner Davis, MSW, an internationally renowned relationship expert, highly acclaimed speaker and author of several books including The Sex-Starved Marriage, The Divorce Remedy, Getting Through to the Man You Love, Change Your Life and Everyone in It, and In Search of Solutions. Michele is also the Founder and Director of The Divorce Busting Center with offices in Colorado and Illinois. Her popular websites, http://www.divorcebusting.com and http://www.sexstarvedwife.com offer visitors practical information for making their marriages more loving and lusty.
What’s it about? Identifying and managing hostility and parental alienation during and after a divorce
Who’s it for? Anyone with a vindictive Ex or STBX that is willing to use the kids as a weapon.
This book deals with the sick and serious issue” of parental alienation in a way that readers said was like Dr.Warshak had interviewed and observed my family personally.” It is an excellent tool” to help you, your ex, and anyone (lawyers, therapist, family, etc) who has any part in your custody matter” recognize the signs” of parental alienation and catch it early” before it can have devastating consequences.”
The book also suggests positive and proactive tactics” to help the targeted” parent foster a healthy relationship” with their child and ensure that the hostility falls of deaf ears.” As one reader said, Picking it up and reading it every time I feel the frustration reassures me that I am not the sick one here nor am I the bad parent.” Other readers felt that it should be required reading for every family court judge, every family law attorney and every person going through a divorce.”
The conventional advice to dealing with a hostile Ex is to do nothing, that fighting fire with fire will only result in greater injury to the children. But after years of consulting parents who heeded such advice with no success, Dr. Richard Warshak is convinced that this approach doesn’t work, and leaves parents feeling helpless and hopeless.
Divorce Poison instead gives parents strategies to rebuild their relationship with their child, including how to distinguish different types of criticism, how and why parents manipulate their children, how to detect these maneuvers, and how these practices damage children. It is a helpful how to” resource for both countering unwarranted negativity and criticism and understanding the underlying motives that cause people to attack their former spouses.
Dr. Warshak uses case studies to illustrate how parents–sometimes unconsciously, sometimes deliberately–force children to choose between them and turn against the other parent. He describes a range of difficulties, from tainted parent-child relationships to an emotional disturbance known as parental alienation syndrome. Warshak offers strategies for parents to examine their motivations when they speak against a former spouse, to curb negative impulses, and to repair damage that may already have been done.
Though the attempts at alienation may never end, helping to insulate the effects is where this book shines. This classic is a must-read for anyone who truly cares about children and the impact that divorce has on them.
Divorce Poison New and Updated Edition: How to Protect Your Family from Bad-mouthing and Brainwashing was written by r. Richard Warshak, whose challenges to gender stereotypes and advocacy for children have made him a respected authorities on divorce and child custody. In addition to Divorce Poison, he has written numerous articles and “The Custody Revolution.” A graduate of Cornell University and Clinical Professor of psychology at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center, Dr. Warshak’s work is featured in media worldwide. His DVD, “Welcome Back, Pluto: Understanding, Preventing, and Overcoming Parental Alienation,” is a leading resource for families whose children struggle to stay out of the middle of parental conflicts. Dr. Warshak is a Huffington Post blogger, and you can also find his work at http://www.warshak.com and his personal blog, Plutoverse, www.warshak.com/blog.
What’s it about? Tips and tricks to improve your marriage
Who’s it for? Anyone interested in a quick read with a new perspective and specific how to’s”
Touted as less expensive than hours with a counselor or therapist” with information that is possibly counter-intuitive but worth giving a shot,” readers liked that this book tells you what not to do as much as what to do.” Focusing on things like not making you partner feel guilty” and creating positive feelings,” many found the clear step-by-step strategy for saving a marriage” was full of sound advice that you’re unlikely to get from anywhere else.”
One reader suggested even those whose marriage is in a good place” would benefit from the different perspective” and tips on what YOU may need to change before expecting your spouse to change.” The book, with related free gifts and other resources” were worth way more than the small price tag.”
This quick read (less than 40 pages) is part of the “Growing in Love for Life” series by marriage and relationship coach Liam Naden. Topics include (to quote the Amazon description):
– the 5 things you must NOT do if you want your spouse to stay,
– the 7 steps you MUST take to ensure they want to stay with you and work on your marriage
– how to get your spouse back if they have already left or are in another relationship
– how to get your spouse to find you irresistibly attractive so that they want to be with you more than anyone else
– how to start healing the hurt in your marriage and rebuild trust and intimacy again and much more.
By doing the RIGHT things, you can get your husband or wife to change the way they feel about you and your marriage. This book will show you how to do that.
This is not the book for someone looking for deep analysis. Quick and to the point, it offers some very specific tips as well as directions to additional information. It aims to help those looking for a few ideas to try before taking more serious steps.
How to Save Your Marriage – When Your Spouse Doesn’t Want to (Growing in Love for Life Series, Vol. 7) was written by Liam Naden, a relationship coach and author. He combines a range of psychological and therapeutic tools along with his own healthy dose of personal experience to help couples to save and strengthen their marriage and relationship.
Liam works with couples in his private coaching program available at his website www.growinginloveforlife.com and hosts a regular podcast entitled, “Growing in Love for Life: Save and Strengthen Your Marriage.”
What’s it about? A legal and psychological guide to safely navigating a high-conflict divorce from an unpredictable spouse
Who’s it for? Anyone in a high-conflict divorce, especially from a spouse willing to make false criminal accusations.
Nice Guys and Gals” use this book to navigate the judicial system” when facing a “persuasive blamer”: someone who suffers from borderline personality disorder (BPD) or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Readers who tried Googling to “poor man’s diagnose'” their spouse’s bizarre behaviors” wild mood swings” and astonishing ability to twist words and reinterpret reality” highly recommend this book that will save your life.”
This book teaches how to protect yourself” against the new hot-button threats” that a STBX may bring”including claims of domestic violence, child neglect, abuse, or molestation”where a presumption of innocence is set aside at first” and an innocent spouse can be arrested and charged with some very serious offenses.”
It describes how courts work and how legal decisions are made, helping its readers avoid common presumptions, mistakes, and pitfalls” in a situation where normal common sense does not apply.” Readers suggest that if your spouse has threatened to make false accusations,” you should get this book.” Indeed, several readers amended that advice to say:
On second thought, clear your browser cache, erase cookies and search history, and BEG a friend to buy this book for you so it does not get shipped to your home address or appear on your credit card or bank statements. I’m not kidding. Read the title again. PROTECT YOURSELF.”
Divorce is difficult under the best of circumstances, but divorcing a spouse with borderline personality disorder (BPD), with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), or who is manipulative, can be especially complicated. While these people may initially appear convincing to lawyers and judges, they can leverage false accusations, attempt to manipulate others, launch verbal and physical attacks, and do everything they can to get their way.
Splitting provides concise advice for strategically navigating a highly-contentious divorce. Topics range from predicting what your spouse may do or say in court to understanding how emails and posts on social networks can be used against you. The suggestions laid out in the book aim to increase the readers’ odds of having a successful marital dissolution under these difficult circumstances.
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder was written by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger. Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq., is President and co-founder of High Conflict Institute based in San Diego, California. Bill is a Certified Family Law Specialist in California with over fifteen years’ experience representing clients in family court, and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience providing therapy to children, adults, couples, and families in psychiatric hospitals and out-patient clinics. He is Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego, California.
He is the author of several books, including It’s All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Handling People Who Blame Others for Everything, Don’t Alienate the Kids: Raising Resilient Children While Avoiding High Conflict Divorce, and High Conflict People in Legal Disputes
