Stepparenting: 8 Tips to Ease the Transition from My Kids, Your Kids to Our Kids
Easing the transition from “your kids” or “my kids” to become one big family is one of the biggest issues for couples who remarry. They can face resentment from the kids, sometimes transferred to the step-parent who can be seen as the reason their biological family fell apart. While there are things that can ease the tension of this situation, many psychologists say that the key to working through the transition is family counseling.
“Family counseling is very beneficial, particularly when the children are present,” said licensed marriage and family therapist Ben Wilson.Wilson runs a clinic in Elk Grove, Calif., and specializes in couples counseling and remarriage issues. “The best method is to have the counselor meet with the couple first, then have a different session with the children and then bring everyone together and assess what needs to be done.”
Wilson thinks an important aspect of the transition is to set boundaries that present a unified front to the children. “Everything is a matter of communication,” he stated. “The biological parent has to give the stepparent the permission to parent their new stepchildren and this process has to be approached carefully.”
“It’s one of the biggest hurdles for remarried couples because children will try to play their biological parent against the other more so than in an intact family,” said Karen Israel, a licensed professional counselor, who does marriage counseling inPlano, Texas. “It’s important not to allow the children’s issues with one parent or with each other to affect the new marriage. This allows the children to be control instead of the parents.”
Robbie Redmon, a Dallas-based psychotherapist, agrees. “Having household rules and enforcing them creates structure. Although it may cause fiction at first, parents should stay firm with enforcing the rules of the house,” she states. “The biological parent and the stepparent much show a united front on discipline and household rules.”
Both Israel and Redmon say that despite potential issues, it is possible for stepparents to form a close bond with stepchildren. “It is absolutely possible if the stepparents are able to be sensitive to the child’s emotional reactions to the adjustment as well as have their new spouse reinforcing the respect that the children need to have for the step-parent,” Israel states. “Often one parent will assume that the children will automatically respect the step-parent without realizing that it is mostly their job to teach their own children how to treat the new addition/step-parent. All of the responsibility lies on the shoulders of the parents. They must be a united team and always support each other.”
However, Redmon says there’s another important factor in the relationship’s success. “Stepparents should not expect problems, but be ready to solve any situation that comes their way. Stepparents will have to learn to share their time and attention. They will give up some things, and gain others.”
“In addition to setting boundaries and counseling, the age of the children involved in also a factor. According to Israel, research shows that the likelihood of bonding between a stepparent and child is much higher when children are younger. After around 10, Israel says the emotional IQ makes it more difficult. Stepparents have to make it clear that they are not trying to replace the stepchild’s biological parent,” said Redmon. Stepparents can also show respect for their stepchild’s feelings. Stepchildren need to see signs (signals) that they are wanted. Facial expressions, gestures, and words are so important.”
EIGHT TIPS TO EASE THE TRANSITION
1. Seek counseling.
This can help everyone to express any resentment about the divorce so that healing may begin. Newly remarried couples should seek counseling alone as well as with the children. Counselors can make suggestions on activities for bringing stepchildren and stepparents closer.
2. Patience is the key.
A new relationship won’t happen overnight. At first, both the new parent and the child will be apprehensive.Let the relationship blossom naturally. Don’t rush it.
3. Brainstorm.
Israel recommends that families brainstorm things to make their new family structure unique. Allowing the kids to be involved will help them to feel like they’re part of the relationship.
4. Have weekly meetings.
Hold meetings in which everyone has a chance to address issues bothering them. Encourage children to be honest, but respectful. Be sure the biological parent as well as the stepparent validates their concerns, even if there is disagreement. Statements like “I appreciate your honesty and willingness to speak up” or “I am listening and this is what I think you are saying” or “I hear your concerns and would like to hear any suggestions you have” will help children to feel as through their problems have been heard. Asking for suggestions will help them further feel like a productive member of the family structure.
5. Play get to know you games.
Redmon says one great game for new families is to take plastic Easter eggs and place strips of paper in them with fun facts about each family member. “Then, hide the eggs for the children to find. This is a good, fun way to get to know each other,” she said.
6. Get on a schedule.
Having regular family time can create balance in the child’s life. Wilson suggests families set a regular dinner time and reinforce that everyone must be present. This is a good time for everyone to share something about their day, make plans to do fun activities and enjoy one another’s company.
7. Schedule one-on-one time.
Stepparents should make an effort to do something special with their non-biological children to reinforce new bonds. It can be something simple, such as going out for ice cream or being the parent responsible for taking the child to special practices or school events.
8. Don’t acknowledge or encourage competition among the children.
Stepchildren and biological children will feel some competition. Spread your time, love and affection around evenly and make sure you are extra diligent about giving each child your time.
Lynda Moultry has been a writer, editor, and graphic designer for more than a decade and is the Specialty Products Editor for the Tallahassee Democrat, a daily newspaper in Florida’s capital city. Lynda is also the author of 101 Plus-Size Women’s Clothing Tips.
