Author Says You Can Have a Happy Marriage if You Work to Understand Each Other
Tim Kellis may not have a degree in marital therapy, but he’s written a book about the topic — “Equality: The Quest for the Happy Marriage.” Why? The South Florida resident credits his parents, who recently celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary.
“The most significant influences of my life are my parents, who just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary.Their influence is not on what they said but what they did, stayed married,” he said. It wasn’t easy, said Kellis, who actually has a degree in engineering. “They had the typical marriage of their generation with constant fights and struggles,” he said.
This was important to Kellis, who thought he would to the same with the woman he wanted to marry. When the relationship didn’t work, he decided to figure out what makes a marriage work. So he studied the topic before putting together this book, which is more cerebral marital help book than most.He doesn’t care. He thinks it will help couples who are struggling.He even put together a web site based on his theories, happyrelationships.com.
Wevorce.com asked him about his book and how it can help.
Wevorce.com: What’s a positive working relationship?
A: The funny thing about this question is I refer to this section of the book as the pedantic section because from the outside a positive working relationship is described by the critics as boring.The positive working relationship is one where conflicts are solved as a partnership, in a similar manner as corporate partnerships resolve their conflicts.This can only be accomplished when the inevitable conflicts are resolved as disagreements, logical discussions, even about emotional issues, not by arguments, which are emotional discussions. Martin Luther King referred to this as civil disobedience, you can disagree on anything just be civil about it.
Wevorce.com: Explain what you mean when you say in the book that common sense is the foundation of a relationship?
A: The unfortunate reality about our psychology professionals today is they have yet to establish a foundation for resolving the inevitable conflicts that are again a part of almost every relationship.Dr. Phil even writes in his book that he basically did not solve a single serious relationship conflict in 25 years of practice.But fortunately, the rest of society has for thousands of years been developing what I call the underground of society, questions to issues that are solved in mass, without the egos of leaders.We refer to this as common sense.Common sense is simply the solution to problems where the subjectivity of the individual is removed from the equation. This takes the emotional perspective of the insecurities, which are the root causes of the troubles in our relationships, out of the discussion.
Wevorce.com: What’s the most common source of trouble in relationships?
A: Money and sex”Seriously, though, money and sex are the results of troubles within our relationships.The most common source of trouble in relationships today is the imbalance of the relationship with the parents of those with insecurities.We develop the emotional side of our minds at our youngest ages, beginning at birth.If that emotional development includes an imbalance perspective from one or both parents then we develop into adults with those same insecurities.And unfortunately to refute 100 years of psychology, we are not hardwired with those insecurities but learn them mentally, which means that we can unlearn them.To summarize this project as succinctly as possible, if you want to develop the positive relationship then fall in love with your parents.You will know this is the case if you can say you love your parents without the unfortunate but” that follows those who have yet to let go.
Wevorce.com: What’s the “Development of Thinking” and how does it relate to improving your marriage?
A: Now that is a funny question.One of the most startling discoveries in my research is the notion that the mind thinks is unfortunately not believed by the mainstream theories of the psychology industry.The unfortunate reality is that thinking refutes Freud’s basic biology theory. The reality as the rest of us know is the mind is capable of thinking.The most basic way I describe the difference is under Freud’s biology theory we go to the grocery store because our bodies tell us we are hungry. His theory has no way of explaining that we are going to the grocery store because we need groceries for hamburger night on Thursday and that we need food for our party this weekend.This is the reason mainstream psychologists only utilize the feeling side of the mind in therapy, what is referred to as cognitive behavioral therapy” where the therapists ask patients to describe the thoughts behind the feelings of the patients’ partner’s behavior, the old how does that make you feel” question.There are two improvements to cognitive behavioral therapy that would add profound improvement to the basic therapy technique.The first adds the concept of empathy into the therapeutic framework by asking patients for their thoughts on their partner’s feeling about their behavior.The second one I refer to as cognitive character therapy where the patients’ are asked their thoughts behind why they think the way they do about their partner’s behavior, enabling patients to think about why they have developed their particular insecurities.We have to understand the development of the thinking side of our minds if we are to understand the causes of the negative emotions that developed through our upbringing.
Wevorce.com: You have a whole chapter on “Salvaging a Relationship.” What tips do you have to do that for Wevorce.com readers?
A: Forgiveness. Forgiveness is key.The only reason I believe I am capable of helping out couples is because I have forgiven my parents when I was 25 years old. This is referred to as catharsis in the psychology industry but we know it by the more popular concept of slaying your dragons.You must get over your past or you will introduce your past into your relationship.You must be able to look at your partner for who he or she is, not by who your parents are. For example, if your parents were alcoholics then if you have not forgiven them for the turmoil this caused in their relationship then when you see your partner have a drink then you would see your partner through your parent’s eyes.
Wevorce.com: What’s right or wrong about marriage therapy today?
A: What is right about marriage therapy today is that it is addressing the fact that we have such a culture of divorce and bad marriages today.Unfortunately, the concept that therapists can now give profound behavior advice doesn’t really add much value because there is no attempt at understanding the causes of behavior, our character traits.Until marital therapists can dig underneath peoples’ behavior to understand their causes, therapy will continue to add little value to helping solve our culture of marriage.
Wevorce.com:What do you mean by “Transference causes Divorce,” which is the title of one of your chapters?
A: This is one of the most profound sections of the book.If couples were to only understand what they are doing when they introduce anger and arguments into the relationship then they would hopefully have the motivation to solve their mental imbalances, their insecurities.The unfortunate reality is the only person who can overcome insecurities is the person with the insecurities, not the spouse, not the friends, and not the parents.Transference is one of the most basic concepts in the psychology industry. This concept states that if you discuss your emotions with someone then you will transfer those emotions onto that person.In fact, Freud is who he is today because of transference. An amazing discovery is that Freud didn’t discover therapy, a Joseph Breuer did, by getting his first patient, who became famous as Anna O, to discuss the root causes of her mental problems. Breuer discovered that when he did she was able to overcome them.Unfortunately for us today, Anna O also developed the first case of transference when she developed a hysterical pregnancy” stemming from fantasies about him where she thought she was having Joseph Breuer’s child.When he realized this he abruptly referred her to a colleague, went on vacation with his wife, and treated Anna O no more.Unfortunately for Breuer, he was uncomfortable with the topic of sexuality and though at the moment of the hysterical pregnancy he had “had the key in his hand’ (as Freud later wrote to a friend), he dropped it”¦[and] in conventional horror took flight”.Freud took over and completely abandoned the influence of our past on our present with his biology theory. Transference is used today in the relationship between the therapist and the patient. This is the most basic tenet of the therapy process, with the theory that if the patient discusses his or her emotions then he or she becomes vulnerable to the advice of the therapist Ideally therapists are supposed to utilize this vulnerability to help the patient understand the sources of the insecurities.This is also why the patient is vulnerable to fall in love with the therapist.We just need to take this notion one step further.Instead of transference between the patient and the therapist we just need to understand the notion that within negative relationships the one with the insecurities is transferring the negative emotions behind those insecurities from the source onto the spouse. In the example of the alcoholic parent, if there exist negative feelings about the alcoholic parent that remain unsolved then the continued anger at the spouse because of the association of the spouse having a drink and the parent, then those feelings are eventually transferred to the spouse.Individual examples of anger are called projections and transference occurs when those emotions are completely transferred.
Wevorce.com: What three tips do you want readers to take away from your book?
A: Get over your past.Work with your partner not against. Your marriage is the most important facet of your life, other than your children.
Wevorce.com: Why should relationships work?
A: First and foremost is because of the influence of divorce on children. I chuckle every time I read another research report that concludes divorce has no material impact on the children. If those conducting the report were to only ask the children if the divorce of their parent troubled them then the outcome of all of those research reports would be the opposite.Does divorce impact your intellectual development?Not materially. But divorce does teach you one important negative character trait about marriages, to quit when the going gets tough.Now you as a child can respond by being stronger than your parents, but this influence is still something you must come to grips with.We will be dealing with our culture of divorce for generations. Secondly, we are now in the age of spirituality, what is known as The Age of Aquarius. If we believe in the notion of spirituality then we also believe in the notion of soul mates, we fall in love with the one we were meant to spend our lives with. If we do not overcome our emotional issues then we leave that job for future generations of our spiritual existence.
Wevorce.com: You don’t have a background in marriage counseling.How did you become interested in it?
A: As it turns out this is my life calling, my destiny.When I was a child my mom had my career path to be a priest, and then I discovered girls.Although I didn’t become a priest I taught myself at a very early age those wonderful notions taught to us by Christ, notions I used in my book.Mainly the key to success is empathy, if you want to understand someone then walk in that person’s shoes.Most importantly I was taught that divorce is not an option, something completely forgotten today.And then I had a very successful career, followed by the heartbreak of that relationship that led to the writing of this book.The only way we are going to solve our marriage problem is to change Freud’s basic biology theory and the subsequent 100 years of work by those who followed. This will not be possible by someone within the industry. I realize that my background leaves me uniquely suited to take on this tradition.
Wevorce.com: What’s the difference between how men and women view relationship problems?
A: Mainly men view the logical side of the relationship and women view the emotional side, particularly within negative relationships. The title of the book is “Equality” because the key is for an understanding of the opposite, for men to also understand the emotional side and for women to understand the logical side.One of the more humorous stories I have is I was writing up a book proposal for a writing seminar I was attending, where I basically outlined that the objective of my books is to make relationships logical As I always do, I passed along the proposal to acquaintances to get feedback.One girl in particular, who I know grew up to develop numerous insecurities, a beautiful, successful girl, looked over my proposal. I asked her what she thought and she responded she thought I should re-write it.When I asked why she responded that it was too logical.When I said that was my point, this beautiful, educated, successful girl literally crossed her arms in front of her breasts, stomped one of her feet and responded, Well girls aren’t logical”, delegating all of the womenhood to ignorance.And the reality is the less logical a woman is the less emotional a man is. Success is when you find balance in both. One simple story I tell is a couple deciding where little Johnny is going to go to school.Most likely the man will look at the financial implications while the woman will look at the nurturing implications.Unless both sides are taken into consideration then a solution agree to by both will not be possible.
Equality: The Quest for the Happy Marriage can be found at
Amazon.com and at bookstores everywhere.
