Three Tips to Take Control of Your Life — and Your Marriage after Your Spouse Cheats
When you get married, you never think your partner will become what internationally known relationship expert Dr. Gilda Carle calls “a love junky” — someone addicted to passion, flirtation, and illicit romance. Unfortunately, it happens, said Carle, who tackles the topic of what to do after an affair in her newly published book,”How to Win When Your Mate Cheats.”
The book offers tips to help you take control of your life — and your marriage — if you wake up one morning and find out your happy life isn’t as happy as you thought.”Betrayal is the next thing that can happen to a shaky relationship. When betrayal happens to you, it happens for you,” said Carle, private practice who holds aPh.D. in psychology private practice in New York.
“Everything is an opportunity,” said Carle, who points out that what was once known as the 7-year itch happens quicker in marriages than ever before. She likens marriage to a car: “You must invest in attention and maintenance from the moment you begin to love.” Otherwise, your partner may feel “abandoned and act out.”
Of couples who face the issue of infidelity, according to the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago, 35 percent get a divorce — saying they wish they’d done it sooner. “If not for the betrayal, they would have gone on and on,” Dr, Carle said. Another 65 percent decide to stay together and make their marriages even better than they were before the affair.”It’s a sign. It’s a signal. It can shake up a routine marriage. And marriage can get very routine. It needs constant attention.”
After the affair, the question a couple needs to ask– whether cheated on or cheater is: “What are you willing to change so this doesn’t happen again?,” said Carle, who is an associate professor at New York’s Mercy College. Carle will discuss the issue further on “Fox & Friends (Fox News Channel)” on Sunday, July 20, between 9:45 a.m. and 10 a.m.
According to Carle, there are four coping skills for spouses faced with their partner’s affair, including: avoidance, acceptance, coercion or confrontation. Confrontation, she said, is the only way to begin to repair the relationship damage. “You need to let the other person know how you feel,” she said. Then you can make a decision about your relationship based on their response. “Do you want to stay with someone who doesn’t’ care how you feel?”
Those who are betrayed have three options, according to Dr. Carle.
1. Become a Victim.
“The victim role is a terrible role to show your children,” she said. “While people will feel sorry for you for a time, eventually they’ll get tired of your sad story.”
2. Become the Angry Warrior.
One of her patients, who was betrayed by her husband, became so angry about his infidelity that she cut all her husband’s suits and flattened his tires. “It can’t work,” she said. “You’re exhausted. You get sick. You do stupid things. You either act angerin or act anger out. When you act anger in, you stuff your anger. You may smoke or drink or do other things that are bad for you. When you act anger out, you do things that can get you arrested.”
3. Take Charge of Life.
“I’m in the self-help business. I want to see people take control of their lives. I tell them to go back to school. Reinvent your life. Become something extraordinary. Then you become a winner and you’re triumphant,” she said,”To me the best revenge is living well.”
The third option, according to Dr. Carle, may involve staying in the marriage or leaving it. If you stay, you must deal with the issues that led to the affair to begin with — issues in the marriage itself. “You have to be emotionally in the now,” she said. “You have to say, I’m not liking how I am feeling, and I am going to do something about it.’ ”
THREE TIPS TO MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK — BEFORE OR AFTER AN AFFAIR:
1. Be 100 Percent Honest.
“If you’re in a marriage where you’re afraid to tell your mate what you spent or who you went to lunch with, if you don’t have an honest marriage with a flow of communication that is meaningful, you’re living a life that’s a lie and you’re planting the seeds for infidelity,” she said.
2. Cultivate your Friendship.
The beginning throws of passionate love lasts from 18 months to three years, according to Dr. Carle. “After that, deep friendship is established. It’s that deep friendship that we take into our golden years together.” When that happens, there’s a security in your relationship because you both respect each other as friends, she said.
3. Set Boundaries.
If you stay after the affair, decide what kind of behavior you will not accept and stick to your guns.”The answer is not to change the cheater’s behavior. The answer is to change your own behavior,” she said.Unfortunately, “the best time to set up boundaries is at the beginning of a relationship,” Dr. Carle said. Still, setting up boundaries after a betrayal can work if both partners agree.
If you and your spouse aren’t working together and “there’s more pain then there is pleasure, then it’s time to go,” she explained. And if you do, get some help to deal with any residual anger:”If you leave a cheater and you’re angry, you’re going to bring that into every relationship you have,” she said.
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