Relationships: Tips to Help Married Couples with 3 Common Disagreements
For more than 30 years, Tina Tessina has helped clients with their marital problems. The Long Beach, Calif., psychotherapist has written 11 books, including her latest “Money, Sex and Kids: How to Stop Arguing about the Three Things that Can Ruin your Marriage.”
Tessina said she wanted to give practical help to a couple struggling with the issues she sees all the time in her private practice.Wevorce.com asked her to talk a little bit about her book and those particular issues in a recent interview.
Wevorce.com: What are the three top argument-starters when it comes to money?
A: Couples fight about who spent too much, how much each should pay toward expenses when they earn different amounts, and whether a luxury item is needed or not.Men tend to feel that women are spending “their” money, even if the woman earns as much or more.Women tend to feel that men are too controlling about money.Men overspend on electronic gadgets and mechanical toys, golf clubs, etc. They’re also more likely to gamble on stocks or sports. Women overspend on clothes, shoes and decorative items for the home; also beauty treatments. If anyone gets involved with drugs, it’s a financial disaster.Wevorce.com: What are the three top argument-starters when it comes to sex?
Wevorce.com: What are the three top argument-starters when it comes to sex?
A: Frequency tops the list.When the couple have two different needs for how often they have sex, they can clash.After that, it’s hurt feelings — when you reject your spouse for sex, it hurts, and the spouse tends not to try after a while. Third is infidelity. People get a lot more upset about cheating, but it’s still rarer than the other two. Couples are more likely to fight with silence when it comes to sex — being resentful, pouting, and turning off.Cheating, of course, can be a deal-breaker, but surprisingly enough, a lot of couples survive it.
Wevorce.com: What are the three top argument-starters when it comes to children?
A: Most arguments about children are about discipline. Parents argue that it’s too harsh or too lax.Parents accuse each other of giving in or not making the children do chores, homework, etc.Whether to have children (or another child) or not can lead to big arguments.When children hit their teens, their rebeliousness can cause problems between the parents. Also, when children are present in a marriage, it can lead to more fights about in-laws:where to spend holidays, which family’s religion to raise them in, and grandparent problems.
Wevorce.com: What’s a money style and how does it affect a marriage?A:Your
A: Your individual financial style is learned at an early age; a combination of family, neighborhood and circumstances.Money is a very emotional topic, and each person tends to feel their style (show off wealth or hide it; save for the future or spend to the limit; keep up with the Joneses or do your own thing; keep meticulous records or just guess about how much is in the account) is “the way it’s done;” so when the styles are different, couples can clash about them.For example, if you are a saver, and your spouse is a spend-to-the-limit person, you can fight about which way is the right way.
Wevorce.com: Explain using money for love or approval and why it can affect a marriage?
A: If you were brought up to be gifted lavishly for every occasion or accomplishment; or if you felt deprived and saw other children get gifts, you may feel that gifts are a way to show love.If your spouse was brought up to disapprove of spending money on frivolous things, or was given money or gifts in lieu of attention, he or she may feel that spending money is a poor substitute for love, which leads to clashes over whether you’re giving each other or your children the proper gifts
Wevorce.com:What’s a sexual agreement and how does it work?
A: Sexual agreements are deals that partners make with each other to bridge sexual frequency gaps. For example, a partner with a low-frequency need may agree to hold his or her partner during masturbation or to have one-sided sex, where only one partner has an orgasm.
Wevorce.com: What tips can you give a couple before they marry about money, sex, and children?
A: Fighting about any of these subjects is not necessary. In the book, there are “Fair Fight Guidelines” to help you turn fights into productive discussions. Disagreement is healthy; because it leads to creative solutions that you can both enjoy.Don’t focus on who is right or wrong; instead, focus on what will solve the problem.
Wevorce.com:How does learning to budget help couples in a marriage?
A: Your marriage is partly a business.A successful marriage is supposed to bring in money, have expenses, and achieve a profit, which is savings and equity. Learning to make a budget will help you keep your expenditures within bounds, and give you a way to discuss whether you’re using money wisely.Budgeting can help you avoid instant gratification and save for delayed rewards, like buying a house, a car, putting the children through college; investing for retirement or taking a lovely vacation. It also can help you keep aware of whether one spouse has a money problem.
Wevorce.com: Can having a baby ruin a relationship?
A: Yes, if the couple can’t agree on whether to have a child; how to parent that child; or how to deal with the extended family.Most first-time parents experience ‘baby shock’ when the reality of how difficult raising a child can be conflicts with their pleasant fantasies.Sleepless nights, anxiety about parenting, childhood illnesses and difficulties and the financial strain can all stress a couple to the breaking point. New parents should try babysitting for extended periods, talk to experienced parents, and have a support group around them to ease the stress.
Wevorce.com: What are family meetings and how do they work?
A: Whether you are single, dating, married or have a family of your own, having a regular weekly meeting date to discuss the state of the relationship will make a tremendous difference in the emotional tenor of the relationship. If you’re blending a family from previous situations, you’ll find it makes a huge difference in your success.
When you have a regular chance to talk about what’s going on in the relationship, problems, resentment, and frustration don’t get a chance to build. If you have children, every member of your family has a right to have his or her opinions respected. You don’t have to agree or go along with what your child or spouse wants, but you should at least know what it is, and your child should know why you’re overriding his or her preferences. Regular couple or family meetings, where everyone including the children expresses feelings, negative and positive, and all of you work together to solve problems, can help a lot.
Begin couple or family meetings as early in the relationship as possible, whether you think you have any issues to discuss or not. If you set a pattern of doing this early in a relationship, it will be easy to expand the group to include children if you have them. For relationships and families that are already established, it might feel a bit awkward to begin the meetings at first, but if you follow the steps below, everyone will soon experience the value of having an appropriate time and place to talk about issues and plans. Once everyone becomes familiar with the process, the formality of the meeting will relax, problems will be minor, and the couple or whole family can use the time for bonding, sharing stories and experiences, and creating quality time together.
Sit down on a weekly basis with your partner or family, and discuss everything about your relationship, positive and problematic, and how it’s going for each of you. If you have small children, include them and get their input, also. Choose a time when everyone can get together weekly, and suggest to everyone that you order pizza, or cook something together.
Begin the session with a brief prayer or blessing, and a round of compliments where each member gives a complement to every other member ‘ this creates a positive atmosphere.
At the meeting, each person present can follow these steps:
1. Gratitude:
Each person states a positive thing about each person in the family, preferably something that has happened this week. For example, “I really appreciate how much you helped me this week when you knew I had a deadline at work.” Or, “I noticed that you made a big effort to keep the kitchen clean.” Or, “Thank you for your sense of humor. It really helps when you make me laugh when I’m getting too serious.” Be sure to thank the person after praising them. If you follow a religious tradition, you can open the meeting by giving thanks in the manner of your faith.
2. Improvements:
Each person then mentions one thing they want to improve, and what they want to do to make it better. Small children will need help until they understand, but they will catch on quickly. Even you and one child can do this. The rule is that, in order to bring up a complaint, you must have a suggestion for a solution, even if you don’t think it’s the best possible solution.
3. Problem Solving:
If anyone has a problem to solve, he or she can describe it, and then asks for help from the group to solve it. Everyone can work together to come up with a solution. Be careful not to allow the description of the problem to deteriorate into criticism and complaining. To state a problem use matter-of-fact terms, and use I messages: “I get discouraged and frustrated when the house gets messy.” “We need to come up with some money to fix the car.” “I have a problem at school.” “I need help figuring out how not to fight with Susie anymore”.
This simple meeting will do more for the state of your intimate or family relationship than you can imagine. If you deal with them early and approach them with a team spirit of solving them together, most problems can be solved before they become disasters.
Wevorce.com: What three tips do you have when it comes to fighting about money, sex or children?
A: Some of the most prevalent myths about fighting are:
Myth 1: Fighting clears the air, and brings out the truth.
Fighting is not necessary to “clear the air.” Getting heated up does not make you tell truths you wouldn’t tell otherwise. What happens when couples fight and get emotional is that both parties say things they don’t mean, or say them in much nastier ways than is really true. It is possible to discuss anything that is or is not happening between you in a calm and logical manner that will lead to more truth telling and air clearing than fighting and arguing will ever accomplish.
Myth 2: Within your family, it’s OK to “let it all hang out” – to be as emotional as you want, and say things you’d never say to a friend or a boss.
Whether you’re fighting or not, (or drunk, or upset) you’re still responsible for everything you say and do. The hurtful or mean or outrageous things you say will be remembered by your spouse or the other family members who hear them.
Myth 3: Fighting just happens, you can’t control it.
You always have a choice about your behavior and how you express yourself. If you’ve developed a fighting habit, or never learned to control your temper, you may need to do some work, but you can learn to behave differently.
Wevorce.com: What are the elements of a mature relationship?
A: Clear communication, mutual consideration, partnership and teamwork, defined goals, mutual affection and intimacy, and loving appreciation of each other.
Wevorce.com: Why do you say “Learn to Cooperate rather than Compete” and how does it help?
A: Competition creates a lot of drama, which consumes a lot of time and energy and accomplishes nothing.Competition is inappropriate in partnership, where if one person loses, both suffer.When you learn to work together, to cooperate and reach mutually agreeable solutions, it not only is more efficient than competing, it’s also more fun and more successful.
Wevorce.com: What’s an intimacy inventory and what can I learn from it?
A: It’s a series of questions designed to help you understand your needs for intimacy, so you can communicate them to your partner. There’s also a series of questions designed to help you understand your mate’s needs for intimacy.
Wevorce.com: Can you argue over nothing?
A: Yes, it’s possible to argue over things that are so trivial they don’t really matter.However, these are usually symbolic arguments: the ‘nothing’ you’re arguing over (you left the cap off the toothpaste) represents something else (you don’t seem to consider my feelings) which is important.The problem is, until you figure out what you’re really arguing over, there’s no way to solve the argument.
Wevorce.com: Aren’t there couples who simply just can’t get along no matter what?
A: There are couples who refuse to get along, yes.But these same couples often find themselves getting along after divorce, for the sake of the kids.Why couldn’t they do it while they were still married?Perhaps if they had spend less time reacting to each other, and figured out why they were fighting instead of fixing the problems, things would have been different.That said, if a spouse is violent, seriously mentally ill, or totally uncooperative, it may not be worth staying together.
Wevorce.com: Can counseling help you get through any of these arguments?
A: Absolutely. That’s why I put “Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely” in the book. The objective, independent viewpoint of a good couples counselor can help you and your spouse see things you were missing, correct bad habits, and learn better communication and intimacy skills.Getting counseling when problems are still small is the easiest way — you can fix a small problem in a session or two, and learn some new skills in the process.
Wevorce.com: What tips do you have for parents who are arguing over what part a particular faith plays in a child’s upbringing?
A: I recommend blending faiths. You have to find a common ground here, because your extended family often gets involved in faith matters. There are specific examples in the book for how to blend religious and cultural traditions so your blended family can have a totally appropriate spiritual expression, and your children can be comfortable visiting both sets of grandparents, and sharing in their religious traditions.
Wevorce.com:Can you save a relationship that’s struggling over one or more of the three issues?
A: That’s what the book is all about.I put the same exercises, guidelines and information in to “Money, Sex and Kids” that I use every day to help couples repair and save their relationships.
Wevorce.com: With the economic downturn, what practical tips do you have to help couples struggling over money?
A: No matter what your circumstances, creating financial security can make life easier.To do this, you must learn to manage your money wisely.The amount of money you bring in may not be large, but if you manage it well, it can be all you need. On the other hand, we have all heard stories of people who earned vast sums of money (lottery winners, celebrities or dot-com millionaires, for example) and who squandered it until they had nothing left.The amount of your income will not determine the amount of your “family profit” unless you manage it well.When you work together to handle your finances intelligently, you can create the financial security you need to live life comfortably.When your partnership extends to making smooth financial decisions and meeting your money goals without struggling and arguing, you’ll find that everything else you do becomes less stressful.
Savings are more than just a financial asset.Having savings gives you a safety net, security, and much more flexibility than you would have otherwise.When you have savings, you aren’t devastated each time there’s a financial setback, such as a health problem, or a car or other repair problem.Savings also represent the power to make your dreams come true.Yes, it’s possible to take that vacation or buy new furniture on credit, but if you have the savings to do it, you’ll pay a lot less.Interest charges for credit can cost two to three times the amount you’re borrowing. Savings can create a down payment for your “dream home” or prepare in advance for all the extra expenses of having children.One of the easiest ways to develop savings so you can invest and build capital to fund your dreams is to “pay yourself first” which means to set aside a percentage (10 percentor more) of your income and put it in savings before you pay any bills or spend anything.Don’t wait until all the bills are paid to set aside savings. Set aside at least a small amount first, and then pay the bills as you can.Even if this pinches your free spending money at first, you’ll soon grow used to living on your available income, and your savings account will grow at an amazing rate. As you get increases in income, such as a raise, try putting the raise into savings, along with the percentage you’re putting aside already If you like, you can celebrate using the raise the first time it appears on your paycheck, (this will also give you a chance to see how much it is after taxes) then put it into savings from then on. If you have the opportunity, have the money directly deposited into your savings plan.The money to invest, or buy your dream home, or get your new baby off to a great start will grow quickly and relatively painlessly.
Money, Sex, and Kids can be found at Amazon.com or bookstores everywhere.
