From Military Couples to Job Travelers, Author Gives Tips to Connect during Long Absences
Do you know a married couple who live far apart because of their jobs? Are you one of those couples? If you answered yes to one or both, you’re one of the millions of American couples in a commuter marriage.
Whether your spouse is a long-distance trucker or stationed overseas in the military, long-distance marriages are becoming more common in the United States. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the number of married Americans who said their spouses lived elsewhere — not including those who were separated — increased 21 percent from 1994 to 1998 — to 2.1 million.
Today, more than 3.2 million American couples live separately because of their jobs, a 26 percent increase since 1999, according toTina B. Tessina, a Long Beach, Calif., therapist and author of a number of self-help relationship books.
“Most of the literature on commuter marriage maintains that many more wives follow their husbands to new locations because of career, than husbands who follow wives, which is also what my counseling practice reflects,” Tessina said. “But, because women are becoming more career-oriented, they are often less willing to just pick up from a job they love and move because hubby had a great offer somewhere else.”
Statistics show that 80 percent of the American workforce is now made up of two-career couples, and 60 percentof all workers are women. “Two career couples are more likely to find themselves spending time living apart than couples with one stay-at-home partner, and the great ease of transportation today means there are many more jobs that require extensive travel,” Tessina said. “When both partners work, the likelihood is that they’ll face commuting at some point during their marriage.”
That trend has also proven true in the military, she said: “Not only does the war take husbands away from their wives, but the greater involvement of women in the military means that more husbands are also left behind during wartime deployment.”
Tessina, also known as Dr. Romance on her blog, recently published a new book called “The Commuter Marriage,” by Adams Media. The book gives tips on how couples can make the distance between them less significant and keep their relationship on track while they’re far apart. Tessina recently shared some of her thoughts on the topic with Wevorce.com.
Wevorce.com: What is a commuter marriage?
A:Any marriage or committed relationship where the couple spend significant time apart — it may be because of work commuting, a job (like fireman, trucker, flight attendant) that requires days away, military deployment, or just opposite schedules.
Wevorce.com: Are there different types of commuter marriages?
A: For you and your partner, commuter marriage may mean:You’re living apart, temporarily or for a long time.
- You spend days or weeks apart sporadically or on a regular schedule.
- You both live full-time in the same house, but rarely see each other because of work schedules.
- You may have chosen this lifestyle by preference or been forced into it by circumstance.
- One or both of you may be traveling, frequently or occasionally, but not together.
- One of you is forced to travel far away for long periods of time, either because you work in the military or some other traveling occupation.
Any of these situations can be called a commuter marriage. Perhaps you’re not married, or you’re contemplating marrying.Perhaps you’re in this situation because you met while living far apart, and your relationship has progressed to commitment or marriage, but you’re still not living together.Many commuter marriages begin as Internet dating, or because the partners met while traveling for work or other reasons, or with partners who met at college, and whose careers took them to different places.
Wevorce.com: What tips do you have for couples who are far apart from one another?
A: threetipsthree tips to help.
1. Keep your communication up-to-date and flowing.
Because you’re not in constant contact, information can easily get lost. In the book, I outline all the modern technology that can help you share your lives when you’re apart.
2. Keep sex and intimacy alive, and jealousy in check:
Talk about loneliness, temptation, have phone sex, have face-to-face sex as often as possible.
3. Plan carefully:
If the separation is voluntary, do as much planning in advance as possible.Get as many real facts as possible and talk to other people who’ve had similar experiences. Get connected with support systems. If it’s involuntary, you need the support even more.
Wevorce.com: What tips do you have for couples where one person is stationed overseas in the military?
A: A few tips include…
1. Use every possible option for communication:
Think web cams, digital photos, web sites, e-mail, cell phones, letters, and Internet phone (VOIP.) Most of this is at least sporadically available in every deployment.
2.The person left at home needs a lot of support, because the separations are long.
Use the available groups for military wives/husbands, your family, and other groups of single or commuter parents and partners.You need the support for your marriage, the resources from others, the place to blow off steam, and the knowledge that you’re not alone.
3. If you’ve become estranged from your childhood religion, this is a great time to reach out for spiritual meaning and support.
We’re dealing not only with separation here, but also life and death issues.A good spiritual mentor can be invaluable.
Wevorce.com: How should couples handle parenting issues in commuter marriages?
A: Seek partnership in your parenting.There are lots of creative options in the book for sharing parenting duties even while you’re apart. For example, a trucker who is on the road for weekdays took responsibility for doing homework with the kids by phone and e-mail.This gave his wife a much-needed break for time by herself to catch up.Get on the same page about parenting issues such as chores, discipline, homework, TV time, friends — take a parenting course together (you can do it online if you’re apart) to have the same system, and to get away from family-of-origin struggles (“My parents did it better than your parents.”).
Wevorce.com: What three things should you consider before you commit to a commuter marriage, if you have a choice?
A: Flexibility: Are you the kind of person who can handle changes, find new solutions, and deal with the unexpected? Then commuter marriage is probably right for you. If you need a lot of security, togetherness and you don’t like change, it may not be right for you. Not all couples have a choice, however, and the book can be very helpful to those who are struggling.
Wevorce.com: Is there additional stress in a commuter marriage? If so, how can you combat it?
A: Yes, frequently there is, because you have to deal with loneliness, separation and uncertainty. Good communication and a calm, rational approach are the best tools for combating the stress.A good support system also helps.
Wevorce.com: How can you keep those from becoming emotionally involved with someone else when you are so far apart?
A: Don’t let the intimate connection with your partner fade away from neglect.Have frequent, intimate conversations, even phone sex, if you’re not getting the facetime. Work together. Nothing strengthens a marriage like a good partnership, where both partners feel cared about and supported.
Wevorce.com: How can you deal with loneliness when you’re so far apart?
A: Have social time with friends, use technology (computer cameras, IMing, sharing pictures and videos online) to keep your relationship front and center.When you do get time together, make the most of it.Keep busy when you’re apart getting chores done so you don’t have to spend your together time running errands.
Wevorce.com: What practical ways do you suggest for couples to stay “in touch” when they’re far away?
A: In the book, I go through all the modern technology, social networking sites, picture sharing, webcams, even Internet games that can keep you connected.Above all, don’t spend your phone, e-mail or IM time fighting — keep it warm and sweet.
Wevorce.com: How do you cope with intimacy when you’re in the same place again?
A: You need to make transitions.The first thing to say to each other, every time you reconnect is “I missed you, I’m glad to see you.” Give yourselves a de-briefing session to get all the necessary details and issues out of the way, then set aside some together time.Use the things that always worked for you before, cuddling, music, relaxing, to get you in the mood and help you reconnect. If you give yourselves some time alone together, without distractions like TV and kids, your sexual connection will make itself known.
Wevorce.com: What are relationship maintenance meetings and how do they help?
A: It’s a scheduled chance to talk about what’s going on, the problems and the good things, as well as the things you need to catch each other up on. If you do it as regularly as possible, even by e-mail if time zones are a problem, it will keep problems from getting out of hand. Guidelines for how to do it are in the book.
Wevorce.com: What are the growth stages of a commuter marriage?
A: Here is a list of the stages…
1. Speculation: anticipating and planning.
2. Exploration: getting the facts about commuting.
3. Preparation: breaking your proposal into doable steps to make it easier.
4. Dedication: commitment to your plan and the new experiences it will bring.
5. Expansion: settling into your commuter situation, learning and growing from your experience, improving your plan.
6. Completion: either making your commuting situation permanent, or deciding to move back together, and re-doing these stages in reverse.
Wevorce.com: What are the warning signs that a commuter marriage is getting off track?
A: You’re frustrated and angry, you feel unfairly treated, you’re fighting with each other needlessly.Cheating, of course, is a big problem and a sign that you waited too long to correct the problems in the relationship or improve your intimate connection.
Wevorce.com: Does the independence in a commuter marriage eventually hurt the marriage itself?
A: Not necessarily. If it’s done well, separation can actually strengthen a good marriage.
Wevorce.com: What are the benefits of commuter marriage?
A: Self-reliance: you learn that you can survive without each other, and you become better at things that were not your ‘specialties. Self-trust: you learn to be able to count on yourself to carry out your plans and be responsible. Self-determination:you learn to make your own decisions. Self-confidence:you feel more secure and effective. Self-esteem: you recognize that you’re even more capable than you thought. Self-motivation:you discover you can do things without encouragement from someone else. Self-love: you become more comfortable and knowledgeable about your own feelings, and to care about yourself. Self-nurturing: you learn what you need to be healthy and happy, and to supply your own needs. Self-support: you learn inner strength, and to back yourself up, rather than criticize yourself.As a couple, you learn better communication, partnership, and mutual trust.
Wevorce.com: Can we have a healthy relationship in a commuter marriage?
A: Yes, it can even make your marriage healthier, because surviving stress teaches us better skills.
Wevorce.com: Do we need any special kind of support to maintain a commuter marriage?
A: Yes, the support of others going through a similar experience is very helpful. In addition, each partner needs support as an individual.
Wevorce.com: Is there any special advice you can give to military couples?
A: Take advantage of the support your military organization gives to separated couples. There are usually support groups for the spouses left behind, and support for the spouses who are deployed.If you’re having trouble, or you think your spouse is having trouble, talk to a chaplain, friend or family member.Don’t expect yourself to surmount this difficult situation alone.
Wevorce.com: What tips do you have for managing two homes?
A: Here are three tips…
1. If housing is provided, take advantage of it.
Military, campus or corporate housing might not be what you’re used to, but if it’s low-cost or free, swallow your pride and take advantage of it for the sake of your financial future.
2. If you have the means, consider buying a small condo in the away location.
After your commuting is done, you can use it as a vacation home, or rent it for extra income. It’s usually more financially feasible than renting.
3. Get a roommate.
If you carefully screen roommates, they might not only help you defray expenses, but also be some support. If you’re the at-home spouse, and can get another single parent to share your rent, you can also share child care, meal planning, etc. If you’re the away spouse, and can find another roommate in a similar situation, perhaps you can even be lucky enough to find someone who can pay the rent or mortgage while you’re not there.
Wevorce.com: How do you manage holiday or vacation schedules in a commuter marriage?
A: It’s often helpful to have different vacations, because you can double up your time together.For the away spouse, coming home is often the most desirable way to spend a vacation, and for the at-home spouse, visiting the away spouse (when possible) might make a vacation very affordable. You can explore the other city or town, and get to see how your spouse lives when you’re not together.
Wevorce.com: How do you reintegrate two homes into one once the commuting is over?
A: Living in two different places, especially if you’ve had ample time to visit and explore, might give you new ideas of where you want to live when the need to commute is over. If you bought a second property, you can continue to use it as a vacation home, or rent it out, or let a rental agency rent it when you’re not using it.Or, if you can sell it at a profit, the equity can provide a financial cushion. It’s an opportunity to do things differently from the way you were doing them before.
Wevorce.com: How do you overcome suspicion and jealousy in a commuter marriage?
A: The most helpful way to overcome suspicion is to keep communication and intimacy going.Be as honest as you can in everything, and talk about temptation.If you talk about attraction to other people openly, it will help you resist the temptation, and also reassure your partner that you’re not going there. If something is going wrong in your communication or closeness, bring it up right away, so you can fix it.Problems in communication and intimacy leave big gaps that can be filled by infidelity.
The Commuter Marriage can be found at Amazon.com or at bookstores everywhere.
