Divorce Support: During the Transition, Develop Group of Friends, Family to Help
Kim Shakeri of California feels helpless. A close friend is mired in divorce proceedings thousands of miles away in a foreign country, alone. I’m sorry she’s going through this. And I’m mostly sorry that she is there and I am here,” Shakeri said. It’s a little bit scary, and we worry about her a lot.” Shakeri is part of the emotional support team tending to her friend, who is in England with no family and no close friends.
Knowing that she is alone and without local support is what makes Shakeri feel so powerless. Shakeri said her friend is trying to find her way through a divorce after her husband cheated on her.She has three children, and she is looking forward to coming home to the United States. Waiting for her here are family members who are finding a home for her and looking for schools for her children.
Her friends, like Shakeri, call regularly to shore her up until she can return.A support team like this one can be one of the most important aspects of coping with the changes in life divorce brings, said Jeanne Hurlbert, a professor of sociology at Louisiana State University.Hurlbert has spent more than 20 years studying how personal networks affect such things as social support, health, recovery from disasters, and job satisfaction. One of the greatest resources that newly-divorced women can marshal is their social networks,” Hurlbert said. Although their networks undoubtedly change after a divorce, their core of close friends, family, and associates can provide invaluable assistance.”
A SOCIAL SUPPORT TEAM
Developing and maintaining a team of people to help one get through life’s challenges helps alleviate the stress associated with life’s crises, Hurlbert said. People who have strong social supports tend to live healthier, less stressful lives, she said. Finding the right people for the job is the key.Hurlbert divides those in social support networks into two groups: strong ties, which are close friends and family, and weaker ties, which are acquaintances or business associates.
The stronger ties are vital in providing the core needs for one in crisis.These are the people who will be the most active and supportive, she said. That support will help them cope with stress, deal with the devastating loss, and juggle work and family responsibilities if they’re caring for children,”Hurlbert said. The weaker ties are beneficial for helping smooth the way through transitions in their careers, she said.Often, Hurlbert said, these ties are of assistance because these people have had similar experiences, and they are able to clear the path to heal.
The best people to choose to lean on in a social support team are often those who have proven themselves in the past, Hurlbert said. Who comes to mind immediately are people who have supported you at other times in your life,” she said.
If that group doesn’t provide adequate support, consider the kind of people who might fit the definition of a weaker tie, she said. If you don’t have enough people, think about who might be able to help you. Are there some other relationships you might be able to draw on?” Hurlbert said, such as people from church, a support group, or acquaintances who have been divorced.While providing a shoulder to cry on is critical to helping someone through a divorce, Hurlbert said, the support team can also offer other kinds of help. The emotional is a big piece,” Hurlbert said. But another big piece is helping each other, a tangible form of support.”That tangible support comes in the form of things like babysitting, doing yard work, helping with groceries.That kind of support is a great stress-reducer for someone going through a divorce, Hurlbert said.
Friends who are at a loss as to how to help someone trying to negotiate the end of a marriage should consider asking them to join them for social occasions and outings.The end of a relationship often puts someone at a loss as to how to remain social because they have been so used to having a companion for everything. Hurlbert said. Having them over for dinner or inviting them out for a movie can be valuable, she said. Very simple things like that until they can kind of get their feet on the ground,”Hurlbert said.
ASK FOR HELP FROM OTHERS
The most difficult and dreaded part of building a support team to assist in traversing life’s changes after divorce might be the actual asking.M. Nora Klaver, the author of “Mayday! Asking for Help in Times of Need,” said that people are generally so fiercely independent that they become isolated. Klaver has worked for 20 years as a master work-life coach.Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness, she said, and these kinds of interactions can strengthen the bonds among people. People need to know that they deserve to ask for help,”Klaver said. It’s okay to ask for help, to give yourself permission to do it.”
She said she recommend to her clients that they look beyond the obvious support team members of family and friends, toward those who are less obvious, such as a neighbor, a postal carrier, maybe someone from the gym — anyone who can provide a new and different perspective to the problem at hand. Our tendency is to go to people we already know, but I believe we need to cast a wider net,”Klaver said. It’s okay to go to the people you know first, then look at these unusual resources you have.”
WHO SHOULD YOU ASK?
She said some of the possible positions to fill on the support team are the comedian, the truth-teller, and the role model. A comedian is a person that can find the lighter side of any situation. We all know someone like that,” she said.
In fact, one of her clients who is going through a divorce realized the need for a comedian on his team.He called his funniest friend and asked him to help him laugh through the divorce process.He told him, Your job is to cheer me up.” The truth-teller is the person who will say what no one else will. This is someone who is going to tell you what you don’t necessarily want to hear,” Klaver said. The role model is someone who has already been through the divorce process, and found his or her way through it without being too acrimonious about it, Klaver said. This person should know what the attorneys are like, and what the court system is like, she said.Be calculated in asking and be sure to offer thanks
Ask with purpose, Klaver said. Consider thoughtfully the kind of people to ask, and how to go about asking them. Anytime you are more deliberate, your choices are much better,”Klaver said. The accidental choices don’t always work to your advantage.”
Think ahead to what help will be necessary.For example, in planning a move, ask for helpers early. Don’t wait until the need for help becomes an emergency, Klaver said. And don’t wait until depression and anxiety have set it. My philosophy is to ask early and ask often,” she said. If you wait until the last minute, then it is really hard to see beyond your own needs.”
Ask at a convenient time and place, Klaver said, preferably in person and in private. When the help has been proffered and the deed has to be done, it is time to offer thanks “ not once, not twice, but three times, Klaver said. It’s really important to say thank you for a third time “ not necessarily effusive or over the top,” Klaver said.
Klaver’s suggestion is that the three thanks should arrive in a timely manner: when the help deal has first been struck, when the person has provided the help, and then again the next time you run into the person. So it’s that third time, the next time you see them, that really seals the deal,” she said.
Michele Bush Kimball has a Ph.D. in mass communication with a specialization in media law. She has spent almost 15 years in the field of journalism, and she teaches at American University in Washington, D.C. She recently won a national research award for her work.
