Children know way deep down when parents separate even babies recognize the absence of a familiar face. But talking to children about separation or divorce may not be the first step. In fact, what both fathers and mothers need first is a basic understanding of how to recognize signals of distress their children might be sending, and what might be helpful to soothe and reassure them, depending on their ages.
New information about the science of bonding with both parents is essential to understanding how to stay connected to your children, and when to actually use words instead of hugs and closeness to reassure them. Once parents have a basic understanding of their biological responses and connections to their children, it is easier to know what to say and when. Infants bond with both parents during pregnancy and at birth. Recent research indicates that when a father is living with the mother of his child, his own oxytocin levels rise toward the end of his mate’s pregnancy and increase significantly when he holds his baby skin-to-skin for the first time in the hours and days after birth. This is similar to the same oxytocin hormone release that occurs when a mother goes into labor, when the baby passes through the birth canal and later when nursing occurs. This response is nature’s way of bonding babies to both parents.
It has also been shown that a father’s release patterns of prolactin are altered as a result of parenthood. Prolactin is the hormone that promotes reorganization of the brain to enhance protective and caregiving behavior. Prolonged release of prolactin then elevates the pleasure hormones, which are known as opioids. Opioids reduce pain awareness and create good feelings. These same hormones also increase and activate with holding and rocking.
All of these hormones are initiated in the bodies of parents as a result of pheromones, which are steroid hormones that create odors on adult skin. Babies and children respond to these pheromones and recognize each parent as a protector and caregiver by these odors.
This information is essential to help parents recognize just how intimately their children are connected to them, and why children have difficulty when they feel like they are losing a parent. It also creates a foundation for identifying important times when closeness may be more important than words, and what words may be most helpful for children of different ages.
Babies cry and get fussy when they are missing a familiar face. Thus, frequent contact with both parents is necessary to soothe and reassure them. While old research suggested infants were best served by just staying with their mother at the time of divorce, newer research has determined that children need continuous and frequent time with both parents holding and rocking them and providing care, in order to continue healthy bonding and a sense that life is positive and safe.
Toddlers are not much different from infants in their need for frequent and ongoing contact from both parents. They live in the present and do not understand the future. They may have trouble sleeping, throw temper tantrums, or get clingy, cranky, and anxious when they do not see both parents frequently or when schedules change. They sense confusion and notice when attention from either parent is less frequent. They are not able to imagine when a parent may be back to see them. They only notice that a parent is missing. These effects are best addressed by scheduling frequent visits, maintaining routines and rules, and using lots of loving words and hugs. Let them revert to younger behavior for a while without getting frustrated and be patient.
From ages 3 to 10, children start to understand that parents will no longer be married and live together. This age tends to take on the blame for the entire situation and worry about changes. They may have nightmares and be angry at the parent who “stayed.” They can become aggressive and make up tales about getting mom and dad back together. Tell them they are not responsible describe how they will be taken care of and be sensitive to their fears. Both parents should stay involved with childcare. Cuddle and read books together about divorce, continue to use lots of loving words, and gently help them understand the finality of divorce.
Early teens can be very critical of what is happening. They are becoming abstract thinkers and want to know why there is not another solution, in spite of any awareness of conflict between parents. Older adolescents will feel emotionally hurt even though they may seem independent and close to leaving home. This is an important time to communicate with teens as much as possible frequently reminding them of the good things in both parents, the good times you have had as a family, and the good times you will continue to have as a family with new roles. Hugs continue to be important as are special times together with each parent. Openness is very important. This is a great time to work with counselors to help support everyone through the feelings associated with each person’s response to the change.
Recognizing the importance and connection of both parents, reassuring the children that they are still very much loved and cared for, and practicing positive communication skills are key to a successful family transition during divorce.
