Must Know Tips, Suggestions And Answers To Relationship Questions
Dr. Judy Kuriansky, a world-renowned clinical psychologist, sex therapist and TV personality, put together a book called “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to a Healthy Relationship,” published by Alpha Books. The book, which costs $18.95, gives tips to anyone who is trying to have a good relationship with their partner. Wevorce.com interviewed Dr. Kuriansky in an effort to learn more about relationship-building. Read on for our question-and-answer discussion.
Q: Why did you write this book?
A: I wrote the guide to a healthy relationship because it flowed most naturally from the idiots guide to dating. Once you’ve gone through dating, how are you going to make it work? The two major applications of questions that people have asked me have been “first, how do I find someone? And second, how do I make my relationship work? And so it fit perfect “ those are the two questions that I get asked most.
Q: What’s your own personal experience with divorce?
A: I’ve never been divorced. I think some people think that some people have to go through a divorce to understand it. As a psychologist, it’s my training to understand issues even without having gone through them. I’ve counseled and spoken with thousands of people who have been through divorce and dealt with the issues. I would even add that having dealt with many of the same issues in my own marriage that can feel like a divorce.
Q: What’s a healthy relationship?
A: A healthy relationship is one in which you feel compatible, you communicate, you have commitment, you feel like you support each other and are devoted to one another and where there is honesty and trust in keeping agreements. The ability to go through the ups and downs as an individual and as a couple. H is Honesty, being clearly trustful and trustworthy. Another H is Harmony, which is being able to do things together in a very harmonious way where everything fits. Another H is being Heartful and being loving to one another and honoring agreements. Another H is healing each other if they have hurts or pains. The final one is Hot, keeping your passions and the sex in relationship satisfying. Then there are other meanings such as E; enthusiasm, equality. A, Accepting each other. L, being loving and loyal and listening and laughter. The T has to do with talking and making time together. The Y in my mind is saying yes to each other often.
Q: What tips can you give our readers to help them assess if their relationship is healthy?
A: There really are so many quizzes within the book itself to help determine that. There’s a quiz about if the relationship is healthy which includes questions like “When you are together, do you feel comfortable and supported?” or “Do you follow through with what you promise to each other?” and “Do you nurture each other’s life experiences?” and “Do you trust that the person will be there for you in an emergency.” And some of these even involve tests to finding out about these questions.
Q: What tips can you give our readers to help them assess if their relationship is unhealthy?
A: The unhealthy ones would the exact opposite of the healthy ones. Things such as “Do you break agreements?” or “Do you feel the person isn’t faithful to you?” and “Do you feel an emptiness inside?” “Are you not sharing interests or activities or responsibilities?” even things like “Is there any abuse going on? Physically, emotionally or sexually?” “Are you not having sex at all or is it unsatisfying?” “Do you argue constantly or can’t seem to come to agreements?” maybe even “Are you going your separate ways? In regards to social activities and your regards to how you live your life.” And “Are you not feeling that your partner is a good friend?” So actually many of those go into the same category as what is a healthy relationship.
Q; What are agreements and how do they work?
A: Agreements would be, really, what I mean by that, is really clarifying to each other clearly, what you want to do or will do, for each other. Then specifically evaluating if you’ve done them. Like for example, if you make an agreement that you’re going to go out and visit your in-laws or one person’s parents. That’s an agreement you’ve made and if you break that agreement, recognizing the impacts that has on their feelings. Another agreement may simply be “I’ll be home at 8,” and then you don’t come home at 8. That’s a broken agreement that hurts your trust with that person. Then there are more serious agreements that deal with fidelity. You need to make very clear with other people’s intentions and relationships especially with a third party. When those agreements are not kept it erodes the trust and relationship. Then resentment builds up and it can lead people apart. What are the eight dimensions of a healthy relationship. A healthy mind, having your own healthy mind. Your thinking being clear and positive. Another dimension is being emotionally healthy and not walking around with your past. Another fourth dimension is being comfortable in your environment and social circle. Another one is having a daily life, even at work you feel nurtured and comfortable. Another dimension is having a healthy sex life. Doesn’t mean you need sex every day but you’re in agreement about it. Also having your own healthy body. The new dimensions have to deal with a spiritual dimension. It’s an added bonus to feel that you’re connected to your soul and another lately new dimension is using technology and harness it to fulfill your relationship in any way, if you’re apart being able to use technology to help your relationship.
Q: What three tips should we know about the “technological” aspect of a healthy relationship?
A: With that one it would be to use your technological devices to increase your connection to each other. Like sending texts and IM’s. The second thing would be almost the opposite and keep in mind that you don’t let that get in the way. People are having affairs with their computers and spending more time with that and less time with their partner. So finding more things you can do with your technology together. Whether it’s shopping online or spending time online together.
Q: What are the basics of true love? What makes true love last?
A: I think true love is when you, inside, feel that you appreciate the other person for who he or she is. Without your own judgments. Secondly, that you support that person in their goals or dreams and true love means the opposite that they would do the same things for you. You should feel acknowledged for who you are at your core and your dreams. How you make it last is by constantly checking almost like you would check the oil in your car and to see whether or not you are feeling that for the person and whether you feel they are doing that for you. The second step is by discussing this together and asking do you feel loved by me and do I feel loved by you.
Q: How can you put your love to the test?
A: I think you put your love to the test, first of all by going inside and thinking to yourself firstly about how you feel about your partner and if you are feeling all of those things I mentioned, the appreciation, the acknowledgment and the acceptance. And then deciding that you will actually do something each day that will fulfill those three A’s. Either by something you say or something you do.
Q: How important is friendship to a love relationship?
A: I think friendship is incredibly important. It’s the salvation of a relationship really. You need to keep checking that you are friends, and what is a friend? A friend is a person that you share your deepest feelings with and share your problems and complaints to. You need to be able to tell each other.
Q: What are “love styles” and how do we resolve conflicts with them?
A: Love styles are, in the book, I offer a test of love styles that is based on a categorization of four types of the ways that people think and behave which is also based on left-brain people and right-brain people. Some people are more thinkers and rely on doing things that are right, or being right. Such as scientists and doctors. Then there are right-brain people who focus on emotional things and imaginative things. People such as social workers or psychologists or artists.Your love style is the way you think or behave and it is important to recognize your love style and how it may be compatible with your partner. For example, if you’re talking about a conversation and she likes to focus on the facts during the day and you like to discuss more how you feel about that experience, you need to recognize that. This doesn’t mean that you aren’t compatible or he/she doesn’t love you, you just need to recognize how you’re different and how you can accept each other.
Q: What are the secrets to a healthy lasting relationship?
A: The secrets are to keep reaffirming your commitment, to keep creating new ways that you can enjoy each other, to face what your disagreements may be and to constantly come up with ways to resolve those conflicts and to continually effect what each of your goals are in your lives and to figure out how you both, together can reach those goals. Also to recognize where the mole-hills of the problems are before they become mountains. And to constantly remind each other of what you appreciate about each other. Finally to continue to remake commitments to each other and uphold your old commitments.
Q: How do you know if you’re compatible?
A: You know if you’re compatible if you have some mutual interest that you both pursue that are satisfying and second of all if you can accept your differences.
Q: How do you build a “team” in a relationship?
A: A team would be the way a sports team would be. As a team and partners you would first be unified in your presentation of some issues such as decisions about your children or where you’re going to go on vacation etc. The other is as a good team together you play on each other’s strengths and see that as the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. One of you may be good at being the forward and one may be good at playing the guard. One may be a good linebacker and one may be a good quarterback. You don’t have to necessarily be the same, but instead appreciate what each of you brings to the table.
Q: How do you make the honeymoon last?
A: You make the honeymoon last by remembering consistently, what you fell in love with in the first place. You also make it last by continually trying to impress each other and putting your best foot forward in the same as you did when you first fell in love. The third way is to constantly create and come up with new ways to please one another. Like in every aspect of life, like going somewhere special for dinner or a new sexual position. Constantly appreciating the other person and expressing how you feel about the other person and acknowledging the ways in which they make you happy.
Q: How do you resurrect romance when daily life gets in the way?
A: The most important thing is to set your priorities and know that that’s extremely important to do. The second step would be to organize your time, get your priorities and then organize your time.
Q: How do you keep your sexual relationship from getting boring?
A: That’s a big one! The biggest recommendation about that is stay creative and coming up with ideas about how you can be different and pick up on your partner’s interests and how you can please him/her. Also, keeping your relationship alive and fresh and new can also, interestingly, bring you back to what you did that excited you from before. So being creative and coming up with ways to add something new, but at the same time reinvent the romance from before.
Q: How do you know if you have love burnout?
A: There’s a bunch of symptoms. One of them is when you don’t feel like being together as much. Sometimes you will find yourself not talking as much. Anger and resentment usually increases between you. You will often not feel like having sex as much and come up with excuses. “The Spark” has left the relationship. Things you used to do in the relationship don’t seem to occur as much. You find yourself spending more time with other people and sharing more with other people instead of your partner.
Q: How does money come into play in a health relationship?
A: Wow, in a big way now! That is huge because of this major financial crisis. Money is one of the three top issues that couples argue about. People’s egos both men and women are now based on money, how much they have and what each other are spending. So there are more arguments about how to spend money, who’s using it and why. What’s even more is the whole financial situation is making people more irritable, more stressed and less interested in sex and romance. It’s important to not ruin your relationship with the financial pressures of today. Particularly on dates, it’s important to discuss how to handle finances and who pays. It’s even more important for divorcing couples to be able to plan for their future and their financial situation. Prenups have become even more complicated and popular because of this terrible financial crisis. Topics like shared bank accounts, life insurance, and retirement have become absolutely crucial in relationships and divorce.
Q: What three tips can you give couples when it comes to fighting?
A: I think the first tip is to cool off before you have a blow out because you might say things that you regret later. The second thing is to be clear in your mind about your point that you want to make. The third thing is to stick to the issue at hand and not bring in yesterday or “Oh you always do this”.. You should also be sure to listen to your partner’s arguments and try to come to a resolution.
Q: How do you put your relationship together after an affair?
A: The first thing that you need to do is to figure out if you want your relationship to get back on track. If you both of you do, then you can get over it, if both of you don’t then you can’t get over it. The second thing to do is to see if you can make an agreement to your commitment to each other. To figure out what is an affair, in your definition and to ensure that doesn’t happen again. Talk to each other to find out what has led to this, not to find the details of the affair, but to figure out what you can do to make it work for each other.The fourth thing would be for the person who had the affair to understand what led to their affair and how they can overcome it.
Q: What tips can you give readers when it comes to family and relationships?
A: The most important thing for divorced people is for them to recognize that their family is going to have a lot of feelings about any new relationship. Particularly about judging and comparing how this new person compares to their ex. The second important thing is that if they have children they need to be very careful about introducing a new romance into their family-life and they need to be very certain about the person before they do.
Q: Does couples counseling work?
A: Absolutely! It only works if both partners are willing and have an open mind about what is best for the two of them. To stay together or not. So in that case, I would say that it always works and it’s always good because it’s a way for the people to understand themselves individually and to explore the dynamics between them, with a person who can point out to them what kind of communication they have and what may be going on underneath their communication. So you have a kind of referee and a guide rolled into one.
Q: What are the five most important things our readers should take away from your book?
A: I would say that the first one is that, you should read very carefully what is a healthy relationship and what is an unhealthy relationship. If you have a healthy relationship you should cheer and congratulate yourself and your partner. If you have an unhealthy relationship you should seriously consider counseling and consider your relationship. The second thing is to use the book to increase communication between each other. Use the quizzes and discuss your differences in issues like money and children and commitment. The third thing is to read through the chapters so you can qualify the things that are important to you in a relationship and that if you have one that you can appreciate, or if you don’t have one that you can look through and use as your criteria. The fourth one is to use it as a Christmas gift and maybe put it in a gift basket and give it to your mate as a gift for any holiday as a way to really make a statement about your healthy relationship. The fifth thing is, besides talking to your mate about the issues better, is to discuss it with your friends and even your children, teenagers on up, so that they understand what a healthy relationship is.
