Mental Health: Six Tips to Help as You Deal with Depression over Divorce
Since your spouse told you she wants a divorce, you’ve had trouble concentrating. You find yourself snapping at everyone. Even the smallest tasks leave you exhausted. And to top it off, you’ve gained so much weight you’re considering moving up a waist size. You could be depressed.
Significant loss, financial problems, and major life changes are contributors to depression, according to the National Institute of Mental Health. For many, divorce involves all these stressors. Perhaps this is why the U. S. Surgeon General reports that about 30 to 40 percent of those undergoing divorce report a significant increase in symptoms of depression and anxiety (Brown & Harris, 1989).
They join the approximate 21 million Americans suffering from depressive illness each year. There’s no question that “divorce can sometimes exacerbate or cause depression,” said Laura Nitzberg, professor in the Department of Psychiatry at the University of Michigan.
If you’re experiencing divorce-related depression, your symptoms might also include feelings of hopelessness, appetite changes, insomnia or oversleeping, feeling restless or sluggish, strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt, as well as a host of physical problems, including headaches, backaches, diarrhea or constipation, abdominal pain, and aching joints.
The agony people feel over losing their family can contribute to feelings of depression. Divorce destroys the whole dynamic of the family. That’s one of the worst side effects. The family is the nucleus that you hoped would be there through the years. “Divorce destroys it forever,” said Lucinda Bassett, chief executive officer of the Midwest Center for Stress and Anxiety.
DEPRESSION DIFFERS WITH GENDER
Depression differs for everyone, depending on age and gender. Women are twice as likely to get depressed as men and single mothers face twice the risk of depression as do married mothers (Brown & Moran, 1997). When women are depressed, they often have feelings of guilt, cry, sleep a lot, and gain weight.
Men, on the other hand, are more likely to feel self-hatred and hopelessness. They get tired, irritable, lose interest in work, and have sleep problems. Men are also likely to have increased levels of anger, aggression, and violence as well as engage in reckless behavior and substance abuse.
Children are especially hard-hit by their parents’ divorce. “Their parents’ marriage represents security to them, and the loss of it is significant,” said Dr. Vicky Kelly, clinical director of Children & Families First Delaware. “For a parent, the divorce is a final break in their relationship with the other parent. A child needs to understand that even though parents are divorcing, they are not divorcing the child. So, try to help your children realize that even though your relationships have changed, you’re still their father and mother.”
DEPRESSION IN CHILDREN
Signs of depression in children depend on age. Preschool through elementary children may have heightened anxiety and spend a lot of time worrying about their parents. They may also have nightmares, start wetting the bed, sucking their thumb, or wanting their bottle again. They might also become clingy and reluctant to leave a parent. “Young children don’t really understand divorce. They just know there’s been a significant change and they are very reactive to what their parents are feeling,” says Dr. Kelly.
Junior high and high school children experience a depression more like adults. “That’s because they understand more of what’s happening. They may be angry and feel resentful, especially if the divorce requires a move. Developmentally, they’re at a time when friends really important to them. So, if the divorce impacts where they live, it’s going to really affect them,” said Dr. Kelly.
Older children are often asked to assume increased responsibilities because the custodial parent has to work more hours. Children whose mothers were stay-at-home moms before the divorce are particularly hard-hit. They may show fear or resentment, have nightmares or change sleeping habits – all signs of depression.
Feeling abandoned by parents who are having their own divorce-related depression can contribute to a child’s sadness. If a parent is going through significant grief or distracted by emotions that are understandably part of a divorce, that parent will be less emotionally available to their children. That doesn’t make them bad parents. “They’re just maxed out,” Dr. Kelly states. Learning coping techniques and developing good self-care habits can help.
TIPS FOR DIVORCE-RELATED DEPRESSION
1. Feeling sad is normal.
There’s a big difference between having a depressive episode and being clinically depressed. Adults need to realize that divorce is a big loss, whether or not they were the one who initiated it. “Some people think divorce is not a big deal. It’s always a big deal. There are many changes that come as a result of divorce and those changes have to be grieved. People grieve differently and grief is not the same as depression. However, if grief goes on too long, it can become depression,” says Dr. Kelly.
2. Pay attention to what you’re eating.
When we’re going through a divorce, mealtime often becomes a grab-and-go affair with low-quality carbohydrates and junk food playing a big part. If you’re eating poorly, you’re also starving your brain of what it needs to keep your mood upbeat. “When you’re stressed, your brain chemicals can get out of whack, which affects your mood,” said Lynn Laborinti, a registered dietician who works for Nature Made. “So, it’s important to choose comfort foods that will raise certain brain chemicals.”
Serotonin is a hormone that helps to modulate mood, sleep, and appetite. Foods high in the Omega 3 fatty acids, such as flaxseed oil, fish – particularly tuna, salmon, and sardines will help boost your serotonin. Laborinti also recommends that you increase your intakes of high-quality carbohydrates, such as whole grains, oats, rye, and quinoa, which are rich in B Vitamins that help your nervous system function better.
Dairy products are also important, as they are rich in calcium, another nutrient important for proper nervous system function. Laborinti recommends three to four servings of cheese, milk, or yogurt daily. In addition, eat your fruits and veggies and whenever possible, choose fresh. Fresh fruits and vegetables are rich in phytonutrients and antioxidants. You want to get as much color in those as possible. “The more colorful, the more nutrients,” says Laborinti.
During times of physical and emotional stress, our bodies eliminate some nutrients at a higher level than normal. So, you may want to consider taking vitamins. When the body is under stress, it rapidly depletes Vitamin C. “If people are smoking, they’re going to use up even more Vitamin C,” Laborinti states. “It also turns the B complex vitamins over quickly. Since they help enhance your mood, if you’re not getting enough in your diet, you may want to consider supplementing this vitamin.”
Another supplement that Laborinti recommends is SAM-e (s-adenosylmethionine). SAM-e is distributed throughout the body and is involved in many biochemical processes. Since significant amounts of SAM-e are not available through diet alone, the body is primarily responsible for producing its own SAM-e. SAM-e declines as people age and certain groups of people, including those with low mood and liver conditions, tend to have lower levels of SAM-e in their bodies. More than 100 clinical studies involving thousands of people have shown that SAM-e supplementation benefits a multitude of body functions including mood support by promoting a healthy balance of the neurotransmitters dopamine and serotonin, which are part of overall healthy brain cell functions.
3. Keep your cortisol levels in balance.
Cortisol is a hormone that helps regulate your blood pressure, metabolism and insulin levels as well as helping your immune system and inflammatory response. During times of stress, cortisol is released at higher levels because it helps with your body’s fight or flight response. When you’re under constant stress, which often happens during a divorce, the body never gets to relax, which means your cortisol levels remain high. If you’ve started accumulating fat around your middle, it may be from the cortisol
You can keep your cortisol levels in balance by keeping your life in balance. “That means regular mealtimes and bedtimes,” said Laborinti. In addition, guided imagery, meditation, listening to soothing music, slow deep breathing, and journaling can also help calm you down enough so that your cortisol levels can return to normal.
Exercise is important. Try to get 20-30 minutes of yoga or brisk walking daily. Exercise is critical because it increases your serotonin levels and your sense of well-being. “You’re not going to feel like doing it; but, once you’re there, you will feel better afterwards,” Jerilyn Ross says, M.A., L.I.C.S.W., author of Triumph Over Fear.
4. Get help.
“People with good support systems in place are less likely to get depressed. So, spend time with family and friends. How people fare is often very dependent on how much support they get,” said Laura Nitzberg, LMSW, a professor in the Department of Psychiatry at the University of Michigan. “If family and friends are supportive and loving, it’s very helpful. If there’s a lot of economic upheaval or a prospect of losing children in a custody battle, people are more prone to depression and anxiety. If you find you’re so despondent you can’t function, you need to seek help.”
Help may include therapy that focuses on life transitions, grief and extra stressors such as watching your children cope. For children, therapy can include learning how to deal with being caught between parents. “A lot of issues involved in divorce need to be resolved in the family. Children need to know that their parents will always be there for them, and how things are different and how they will work now,” says Dr. Kelly.
Dr. Kelly suggests that parents be present at their children’s therapy sessions. “They don’t have to be in the same room the whole time. If the child is struggling with feelings about the parent, they may need the help of the counselor to figure that out. The point is the parent is participating and that says a lot to the child,” Dr. Kelly stated.
5. Take medication, if necessary.
Taking some anti-depression medication may help, though it is not a substitute for the grieving that you need to do to get through the divorce. Work with a medical professional to determine which medication is right for you. “Finding the right medication is based on a careful assessment of family history, your general health, any medical issues you have, how the depression is manifesting, which parts of the brain are being affected, and a review of current symptoms,” said Nitzberg.
Antidepressants have some side effects. So, be aware of what they are and follow up with your doctor. A University of Michigan study found that depressed patients respond rapidly to medication, with 68 percent experiencing improvement in positive emotions, work functioning, and social functioning by the end of the first month and 88 percent experiencing improvement by three months. The improvement in hopefulness, however, lagged behind. In the study, feelings of hopefulness did not improve for weeks or even months after depressive symptoms lifted. Learning how to identify and challenge pessimistic thoughts and as well as engaging in activities that improve mood can help the depressed to regain a sense of hope.
When it comes to children, medication should be used only after counseling. Dr. Kelly stated, “Research suggests medication is not the first thing to try with children because they are manifesting symptoms in response to something that is external. So, counseling is the first line of defense with childhood depression. If the child is not showing any improvement or if the parent is seriously concerned about the child harming himself, you may want to move to medications more quickly. But, many times counseling alone is effective.”
6. Be patient with yourself.
Going through a divorce is tough. So, give yourself time to move past the sadness. Meanwhile, set realistic goals and prioritize your tasks. If possible, delay important decisions. Give and receive lots of hugs. “Making small changes can go a long way to helping lift a divorce-related depression,” said Laborinti.
FOR MORE INFORMATION
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry – For information on child and adolescent psychiatry, fact sheets for parents and caregivers, current research, practice guidelines, and managed care information.
Columbus Recovery Center provides mental health resources designed for teens — and to help relatives, friends, or partners of the individual suffering with mental health issues.
Lundbeck Institute – In addition to excellent information about depression, this website features a series of videos that help explain the biochemical changes that are part of depression.
Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance – Signs and symptoms of mood disorders plus a link to take a confidential online mood disorder screening.
The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration provides information about mental health.
Mental Health Net provides a comprehensive source of online mental health information, news, and resources.
Psych Central offers a variety of interactive tests, quizzes, and surveys to challenge, inform, intrigue, and educate. You’ll find everything from online screening tests for mental health issues to fun surveys about relationships.
Screening for Mental Health – Information about National Depression Screening Day and facts about mood and anxiety disorders.
