“The Thought Of Him On The Couch All Day Scared Me.”
Ben Tischler did not see it coming. He was shocked to learn he was being laid off from a Miami advertising agency. As he cleared out his desk, he worried about how his girlfriend would react. “If I had some warning, I could have laid some groundwork,” he said.
One of the biggest challenges a relationship can face is one of the pair losing his or her job. The situation can bring intense emotions such as humiliation, despair, fear and frustration, especially during the holiday season.
Across industries, downsizing has become the de facto quick fix to address business woes. As of November, more than a million people nationwide have lost their jobs due to layoffs. To make matters worse, employers don’t seem to be hiring, making it difficult to predict how long a job search will last and how well a relationship can weather the storm. Tischler found a new job after three months and said his girlfriend was very supportive. It was a huge boost for me.”
Keeping upbeat can be tough when your loved one is sinking deep into despair. For Jamie Rodriguez, her husband’s layoff from his job as operations manager at a Broward, Fla., financial company put her marriage under tremendous strain. A former workaholic, she said her spouse’s immediate response when his position was eliminated was anger.
The months following brought even more tension as job leads turned into dead ends. Money concerns began to dominate all household conversations as her husband insisted he was letting the family down. “I tried to be open-minded, but it became all he could talk about,” she said. “Sometimes I would rather stay at work.”
OUTSIDE SUPPORT
While a partner’s support is helpful, talking to an outsider can provide levity. Susan Leventhal, a career counselor with WorkForce One, encourages laid-off workers to get together to exchange job leads or find a support system outside of their marriage or relationship, like the groups at her center. “When a spouse is impatient, it can be very painful,” she says.
John Ebel of Pembroke Pines, Fla., has been job hunting for the past 10 months after being laid off as an estimator for an aluminum company. He moved in with his mother and worries constantly about money. When Ebel wants to vent, he turns to his buddies rather than his girlfriend. “She gets frustrated and stressed hearing about it,” he says. “It’s easier speaking with a friend because it doesn’t affect their everyday life.”
Among the biggest areas of contention is the job-search process. Tiffany Gonzalez, Ebel’s girlfriend, works part time while she, too, searches for full-time positions. She feels her boyfriend should do more than respond to online job boards. “I know he’s looking but I don’t think he’s looking the way he should be.”
The longer the search drags on, the more tension often builds in relationships. After six months, one spouse told me she began going through her husband’s e-mail, convinced she needed to back-read every letter he sent. Alisha Marks of Miami struggled with second-guessing her boyfriend’s job-search process. “The thought of him on the couch all day scared me. I found myself having to have my two cents, asking ‘who did you call today?’ and ‘did you try this lead?'”
To avoid such conversations, marriage counselors recommend ratcheting up communication. South Miami psychologist Wendy Joffe suggests couples discuss how much and what type participation is helpful in a job search to avoid a suggestion coming across as a demand. Each person needs to be respectful of boundaries and hear when their partner thinks they are stepping over the line.”
Joffe says the conversation also should include finances and lifestyle changes, two other heated sources of tension. “Conversations should include a new budget because there is less money coming in, how pursuing a different career might affect household income, and increased pressure on the shoulders of the employed. You need to sit together and have a strategy for how to handle this time and feel like you’re on the same team.”
Three months after being laid off, Bruce Moore, of Fort Lauderdale, Fla., spends his days looking for a job as a facilities manager, watching his bank balance slide. “I’ve always been self-sufficient, the man of the house.” He has had to eliminate nights out with his girlfriend, carefully micromanaging every cent to cover his bills. “It really puts a strain on the relationship,” he says.
