Spirituality: How to Chose a Faith-Based Program to Heal Your Broken Relationship
Whether you are considering divorce or wanting to continue working with your spouse to address your marital challenges, a spiritual routine or a guided program may make sense. If you’re searching for a faith-based program to help your broken relationship, here are some things to consider before signing up.
1. Look for programs that teach relationship skills rather than Biblical roles.
“The number one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict,” says Diane Sollee, director of the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education (CMFCE). “What’s sad is the reason we avoid conflict is because we believe it will cause divorce. Later, we avoid conflict because when we try to deal with our differences, things get so out of hand and our fights so destructive and upsetting that we simply shut down. After a few bad blow-ups. we become determined to avoid conflict at any cost. Successful couples are those who know how to discuss their differences in ways that actually strengthen their relationship and improve intimacy.”
2. Ask for references.
Ask to speak with at least three couples (besides the presenters) that have attended the program and are still together and reasonably happy five years later. If this program works, there will be a track record of couples that have found their way back to each other. Listen carefully for authenticity.
3. Be open.
The parable that Jesus told about the Good Samaritan is a story about how help can come to us from places we least expect it. So, don’t discount programs that are from a different faith tradition than your own. One woman who was a conservative Protestant attended a Catholic Marriage Encounter weekend. She was moved to tears by the love she felt from the presenting couples and humbled to discover that people she hadn’t even considered as “saved” had wisdom and insight she hadn’t found in her own church. Think about it: if your marriage is in trouble and it seems as if God is sending you a helicopter instead of a plane, don’t refuse help just because it comes in a form that’s different than what you expected. Instead, glean as much goodness as you can while filtering what is said and taught through your own spiritual understanding. Remember: the goal is not to convert another to our way of thinking but to respect, listen to, and learn from each other. Being present without judgment is a relationship skill that allows people to flourish.
4. Be aware that there may be portions of the program where you have limited participation.
While most programs welcome people of all faiths or no faith, you may find that some put certain limits around the participation of those from different faith traditions. For example, at Catholic-sponsored programs, non-Catholics, while encouraged to attend the Masses, are usually not allowed to take Communion. Instead, the priest will bless them. If you do encounter limits, be a good guest. Rather than feeling offended, realize that these limits come from deeply held beliefs and make that OK. Acceptance is a mindset that makes marriages work, too!
5. Disengage from magical thinking.
One man whose marriage was crumbling under the weight of his pornography addiction kept saying he wished God would just wave a magic wand and make everything better. Yet, he refused to go to 12-step meetings and continued his pattern of lying and visiting prostitutes. He hadn’t yet made up his mind to be a married man. Looking to the Divine for help to keep a commitment to love, honor and cherish ’til death you do part gives the weary extra strength to endure the night of weeping until they can welcome the joy that comes in the morning. However, although many religious people believe God can supply the power, expecting God to fix things while continuing to make bad choices or refusing to stop hurtful behaviors is infantile. God doesn’t do it for you. It is up to you to take total responsibility for how you show up in life.
6. Get professional help and set boundaries when needed.
While marriage recovery programs can help, they are not therapy and most of the people running them do not have psychological training. If there are addictions, get help. If there is abuse, report it and keep yourself and your children safe. It is not faith to stay in situations that are dangerous. It is foolishness. Programs for Marriage Recovery requires that spouses call police if there is abuse. “No one should be a martyr. We must witness to truth,” says founder Mary Meade. If there are affairs, confront them. As a condition of participation, Retrouvaille requires that any third party involvement be terminated. Faith will not protect you from getting an STD if your spouse is cheating on you. So, be wise.
7. If possible, hang in there.
There are no perfect marriages because there are no perfect people. All good marriages have ups and downs. If you’re in a down time, wait a bit before deciding to throw in the towel. A team of leading family scholars headed by University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite found no evidence that unhappily married adults who divorced were typically any happier than unhappily married people who stayed married. Even more dramatically, the researchers also found that two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happy five years later. In addition, the most unhappy marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds: among those who rated their marriages as very unhappy, almost eight out of 10 who avoided divorce were happily married five years later.
