After We Divorce, What Will Happen with Our Friends? Will They Go to Him?
Q: My spouse and I shared so many friends while we were married. How do I navigate those friendships after divorce?
A: This question underscores one of the reasons to develop and maintain your own friendships while married. In his 1995 book, “Fathers and Divorce,” Terry Arendall reports on studies indicating that women heal more quickly emotionally than men. That’s because they usually have a network of supportive friends.
Unfortunately, divorce forces friends to take sides, and the reality is that you will likely lose touch with people who have been a part of your intimate circle. Before ruling anyone out as a post-divorce friend, allow time for the dust to settle among friends who now have to choose camps.
Those to whom you were especially close during the marriage are worth reaching out to by saying something like, I realize it may be awkward for us to continue our friendship since the divorce, but I value the relationship and really would like to stay in touch. Do you think that’s possible?” Respect the individual’s honest response, even if disappointing, and begin to rebuild your support system accordingly — integrating some from the old life as possible with new friends you now have opportunities to develop.
The silver lining is that the divorce will serve as a litmus test for identifying authentic friendships whose commitment transcends the circumstances under which you met. Be patient with the process of shifting your social network, and in the meantime become your own best friend through journaling the ups and downs of the experience. You will watch yourself grow in those pages. One day you will see it as one of the best gifts you have given yourself.
