For the Ladies
Today’s post is for the ladies, or maybe it’s better to say this may be of more interest to women than men. You gents are welcome to read, but full disclosure: we’re talking about the reasons women fall for the wrong guys.
Many women in pursuit of the one — you know, Mr. Right — often end up literally finding the same guy, over and over, a cycle that usually ends in heartache and disappointment. What is it that makes some of us get involved with the same type of man, and when it ends, turn around and find another just like the last one — only with a different name?
It was Albert Einstein who said, “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Has that come to describe your love life?
Let’s assume our favorite genius is right. If so, we are insane to keep choosing the same type of man for our relationships, always hoping this time it will turn out all right. For those ladies who are not insane and have had healthy, happy relationships, kudos … you’ve already got it figured out. If not, and you have decided you might be certifiable, read on. So, what can we do about the insanity?
Opposites attract.
It’s true, there is some lure to finding someone who is your opposite. Good girls long for bad boys, shy individuals attract the outgoing, sensibility attracts the wild ones. Just remember, the very qualities that attracted you to your significant other in the first place may in fact prove difficult to live with in the long run.
Love (and what it does to our brains) makes us all feel a little crazy. In marriage, couples often get through the first few years on that “crazy-in-love” feeling alone. Then we slip into the “marriage is hard work” years and it’s not as easy. We begin to get through on autopilot; work, kids, chores — rinse and repeat. All long-term relationships, with or without kids, can enter this phase.
Suddenly, all those things we thought were so darn cute in the beginning now set our teeth on edge. ; Differences may prove attractive initially, but similarities often are what satisfy us over the long term.
What are your deal breakers?
If you don’t know, sit down immediately and figure them out. Relationship deal breakers ;are vital to figuring out if he is soul mate potential or not. If the guy you’re thinking of dating has character traits that go against your checklist, avoid him. Easy peasy.
The “you think you can change him” syndrome.
Basically, you can’t love away anyone’s problems. If he’s smack dab up against a deal breaker and you’re thinking you can change him, think again. Most likely, you’ll end up changing yourself to be with him. It’s time to get real about what you want and what you are willing to do to get it.
Need a little help figuring out who might not be the greatest choice for your list of potential relationship candidates? Anna Martin provides a pretty good start in her article for thebold.com, “Fixer-Upper” Guys May Seem Tempting, But They’re Not Worth the Trouble. “You know the one — he’s great, but there’s a big downfall that you think you might be able to help him get over if you put in the time and effort. The truth is, these guys aren’t ready for a relationship, so you shouldn’t bother wasting your time.”
Martin covers the basics: fresh off a breakup, mama’s boy, no career goals, unrealistic expectations, too young, in jail/prison, has an addiction, commitment-phobic, narcissist, workaholic, and bad-tempered.
Finding self-love and self-worth.
First, we should take an honest look at ourselves and past relationships. Yes, it’s hard and it’s scary, but it’s important. In doing so, we might find it’s our own issues holding us back.
On MadameNoire.com, Bené Viera asks us Are You Dating the Same Guy Repeatedly? ;and says, “In some way or another most of us have a certain type of man or woman we would prefer to date. ; Having a type isn’t the problem. The problem arises when the type of man or woman you fall for never quite works out for you.”
She also points out, “At the core, self-love and self-worth are at the root of why we choose the partners we choose. Finding out your mate is not the person you thought he or she was, is totally different from believing every ex is not the person you hoped them to be.”
Start by learning who you truly are. If you don’t know yourself well, how can you know who would be a good fit? By looking inward first, and figuring out what you like and dislike in others, you will be empowered to make better choices.
It’s true, when you are comfortable with your unique and honest self, others will respond to what you have to offer in a genuine way. If you need work and healing, see to it first. The old adage, finding love for all the wrong reasons holds true, and generally doesn’t end well.
It starts with you, and you alone.
Can it be that simple? Divorce360.com ;talked with author Brenda Della Casa about her book, Cinderella Was a Liar, which was written for women to help discover how significant their lives are, whether in a relationship or not.
“We often forget that life is an individual journey that we choose to share with one another. Though we walk with others, we must get to where we want to go on our own two feet. It is unfortunate that the idea of being an individual, being “alone” and flying solo terrifies so many people when I truly believe that getting to a place where we embrace both time alone and time shared with others is an essential ingredient in the recipes for both happiness and happy, healthy relationships.”
Often, we get so wrapped up in getting to happily ever after ;with our one and only dreamboat, we lose sight of what we really need in life. Take the time to discover happiness for yourself and with yourself, rather than depending on a knight in shining armor showing up to save you and miraculously grant you all you desire.
Again, to quote Einstein, “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” If the bad boy type you like so much leads to disaster endings, it’s time to rethink your type. So, ladies, get busy and do your homework. Then you’ll be free to search for the one. Or better yet, he may just find you, the authentic one he’s been searching for.
