“The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it .” —Nicholas Sparks
For couples reeling from the aftereffects of infidelity, it’s undeniable that forgiveness can be the most difficult step on the road to healing. In fact, researchers have found that when people feel emotional pain, the same areas of the brain are activated as when people feel physical pain which makes the healing process all the more difficult. When experiencing the pain of betrayal, it may seem unreasonable, even impossible, to think about forgiving the person who caused such heartache.
For a spouse who has been unfaithful, the resulting regret and remorse can also be emotionally debilitating, often leaving them feeling unworthy of redemption. In such cases, forgiving oneself can also seem unthinkable. Individuals who have committed infidelity may experience lifelong guilt and fear of never being forgiven either by a higher power, a spouse, one’s children, or other family members and friends who may know about the situation.
Why Forgiveness is Important
Even if divorce is the final outcome of an ongoing marital dispute, it may not always mean the final resolution for buried emotions. Unaddressed feelings of anger and resentment may cause damage long after the papers are filed even for an individual who has committed infidelity.
Just as healing from a physical malady often requires treatment, therapy, and the relief of a support system, the process is similar for individuals suffering intense emotional pain. Particularly, when a couple is forced to address the pain caused by infidelity, the healing process takes time, patience, and emotional support.
For couples reeling from the effects of infidelity, forgiveness is possible and it also involves acknowledging that marriage, with all it entails, is a two-way street. So it may be that we must look at infidelity in the same vein, and find a way to forgive each other.
Rethinking the Stigma
Throughout history, society as a whole has viewed infidelity with disdain, one classic example being the punishment received by Hester Prynne in Nathaniel Hawthorne’s The Scarlet Letter. Although harsh punishment is a thing of the past in our country, the stigma remains. It’s no secret that a spouse who commits adultery is often judged, condemned, and sometimes, shunned by their closest friends and family.
We must remember, however, that infidelity isn’t always so black and white. “Most professionals agree that an affair is usually a symptom of a larger problem, and the result of a series of relationship breakdowns,” says Michelle Crosby, Founder and CEO of Wevorce. Although affairs look like a moral issue, many times they’re merely a relationship wake up call, or a change-catalyst for both partners. By exploring honestly the needs and expectations in a relationship, you may discover mutual fault, and an opportunity for mutual forgiveness.
Discovering What Lies Beneath the Pain
This is the case with Camille*, a 20-something wife who engaged in a several-month-long affair before admitting it to her husband. “What many around me failed to understand was that I had been suffering silently in an unhappy marriage for years,” she admits. “I wasn’t physically abused, but I felt unheard, unloved, and unimportant. And those scars are rarely physically seen or easily quantifiable.”
“When I came to terms with the fact that divorce takes two and that my act of infidelity didn’t make me a bad person it finally became possible to forgive myself,” she added. “And, while we’re no longer married, by being honest with ourselves and with one another, my husband and I were also able to begin the long road toward forgiveness.”
The Path Toward Forgiveness
It’s important to acknowledge that this process often takes time (sometimes years). At Wevorce, we have seen our share of infidelity, and we believe in allowing space for each spouse to feel both relieved and grief-stricken, both guilty and wronged. Each person must be allowed to grieve in their own time and in their own way. They may be grieving the loss of the marriage itself, or the broken trust within the marriage. Acceptance is the final stage of grief and forgiveness can be a vital and healing part to accepting and moving on.
Taking an honest appraisal of your marriage and the reasons behind infidelity may be one the most difficult things a couple will face together. It’s true, not all infidelity is created equal; the psychology and complexity behind adultery are important reasons to reach out to a professional. They can help sort out the barrage of emotions and take a frank, often eye-opening, look at what was behind it and provide new tools to put you on the path toward forgiveness. By taking these first, challenging steps to explore the harsh, but honest realities of infidelity, it may help you heal a marriage, or begin again after divorce.
*Name has been changed.
