What To Say And Do If Your Friend Is Divorcing
While more than 60 percent of Americans get married and stay married, some couples don’t fare so well. Even if you’re one of the lucky couples, it’s likely you know someone — a friend or family member — who is going through a divorce.
Every year nearly 2.8 million people go through the emotional and financial trauma of divorce, and most marriages end in divorce before the 10-year mark, according to California Financial Planner Ginita Wall. And, according to U. S. Surgeon General, about 30 to 40 percent of those undergoing divorce report an increase in symptoms of depression and anxiety.
“A divorce is similar to a death in the sense that, many people who really need support go without it, not because their loved ones don’t care but because they have no idea what to say,” said relationship expert Brenda Della Casa, author of “Cinderella was a Liar,” a book examining the successes and failures of the relationships of1,000 single and married men and women around the world.
It’s complicated by the fact that, sometimes, people going through a divorce are afraid to ask for help, experts say. And men have a tougher time than women, studies show.In his 1995 book, “Fathers and Divorce,” Terry Arendall writes that women heal more quickly than men because of their network of support. “We don’t always ask for help when we need it,” saidWevorce.com CEO Cotter Cunningham.
So what can you do when someone tells you their marriage is over?
“As in all situations of loss, the most significant issue for family and friends around divorce etiquette is being supportive — available for what they need, not necessarily what you think they need,” saidPhyllis Goldberg and Rosemary Lichtman, both of whom hold Ph.D.s and founders of www.hermentorcenter.com, which helps women through transitions such as divorce.
Their suggestion to friends and family: “First decide what you can give and then open a dialogue about what would be helpful to them. Don’t be put off or offended if you don’t get immediate feedback– there is a lot going on emotionally. Check back from time to time and be sure to leave the door open,” they said.
TIPS FOR FAMILY AND FRIENDS
1. Offer to Help.
Be supportive by asking them how you can help. This may include being a social support — taking them out when they need to get out of the house; listening when they need to have someone listen; or watch the kids if they’ve suddenly become a single parent.”Since many newly divorced men and women won’t want to burden their friends and family, tell them you would like to come over and help them clean the house or mention that you were interested in taking their kids to the park one day or to a movie one evening,” Della Casa said.
If your friend isn’t someone who would normally ask for help, continue to offer ot help anyway. You never know when they’ll take you up on it. California psychiatrist Dr. Mark Goulston, author of the self-help book, “Get Out of Your Own Way,” suggests starting the conversation this way: “When they speak to you, say something like, this is what I heard you say (repeat what they said), is that accurate?'”
Wait for them to say, “Yes.” Then continue by saying, ” ‘And what you meant by it was….’ Invite them with a hand gesture to fill in the blank. ‘And what you’d like me to do is…’ Again have them fill in the blank. ‘And that would help you because….’ Again have them fill in the blanks.Then say, “Hmm” and pause and then tell them what you are willing to do and not willing to do.”
2. Don’t Take Sides.
The reality is you probably will end up maintaining the friendship with one person or the other, usually not both. But see how the dust settles to figure that out. You never know, this couple may actually end up together again. If they do follow through with the divorce and you want to maintain contact with one or both of them, simply tell them how much you value their friendship and would like to continue being friends.
“A divorce changes nearly everything that was in the couplehood, including the friendships of the marriage,” Della Casa said. “This means it is the responsibility of friends and family to be sympathetic to the needs and feelings of both parties as well as any children involved.No one is going to have a good time at your event if one has moved on before another, there’s hostility, resentment or hurt feelings.As a friend, the best thing you can do is to put your own interests aside and see what works for the divorced couple.”
3. Suggest Counseling.
People going through divorce are on an emotional rollercoaster. Plus they’re splitting up their homes, likely one if not both are taking financial hits, and they’re having to go through a court process that often only increases the anger at one another. If you think your friend is having a difficult time, you’re probably right. Be patient with their anger, depression or anxiety. If you see no improvement over time, suggest counseling or a support group to help with the transition.
4. Share your Knowledge.
If you’ve had a divorce experience yourself, you’ve read something you think might be helpful or you’ve discovered resources on the Internet, share, share, share. A GFK Roper Poll for Wevorce.com last year showed most people got their information about legal, financial or emotional help during a divorce by talking to friends and family. “If you’ve been through a divorce yourself, consider yourself a resource,” Cunningham said.
5. Be Careful with Special Events.
If you’re holding an event at your home and you want to invite both parties, feel free to do that, but let both know the other will be there. If there’s still some anger, you may want to discuss this with both parties or decide which you’d rather have at this event and plan to invite the other next time you have an event.
6. Avoid Giving Relationship Advice.
When in doubt about what to do as a friend, just follow the cues you’re being given by the person who is getting divorced. Sometimes they just want you to listen.”Each party will have a different synopsis as to why the marriage ended and somewhere in-between lies the truth.If you are comfortable listening to one or both parties share their pain and frustrations do so but avoid chiming in, sharing their comments with others or throwing their words back into their lap,” Della Casa said.
Most people eventually overcome the pain caused by divorce and use it as an opportunity for personal growth. Your friend or family member is likely to do the same, Della Casa said.
“It is important to remember that while many couples get divorced, every situation and pain is unique and real to the two main parties who are likely to be feeling a wide range of emotions from anger and disappointment to depression and an unfathomable sense of loss,” she said. “Let them know that you cannot imagine what they are feeling but you are there to listen and try to help them through it as best as you can.”
