I Need to Get Over Hating My Ex Because of Our Kids. How Long Will this Last?
Q: I am furious with my ex and have only feelings of hate. We still have contact because of the children. How long will it last?
A: First, your feelings of fury, anger, and hate are normal. These feelings are likely the result of the behaviors on the part of your ex toward you (high frequency of negatives). For example, you may have been criticized, belittled, demeaned, and disrespected (or whatever your ex said or did that made you feel awful). You did not feel loved and supported. Don’t feel guilty for feeling angry. You have reason to feel this way if you weren’t treated well.
Second, try your best to let your anger go as it will do more to destroy you than to hurt your partner. The old adage is that the venom does more damage to the vessel that contains it than the person to whom it is intended. Getting rid of your anger will not be easy. It begins with NOT ruminating on the things your partner said or did — but instead focusing on your new life ahead. In effect, you will no longer wake up with a knot in your stomach in a marriage going nowhere. Rather, you are moving into a different relationship context — one that will allow you to one day experience a new relationship with someone who will love, respect, and enjoy you. Try to focus on this, and not on the past.
Third, commit to yourself that you will be positive when communicating with your ex-partner. Even if your partner is unkind to you, take the high road and don’t strike back with an “I’ll get you” attitude. By refusing to engage in negative exchanges, both you and your kids will benefit. For starters, you will benefit since you won’t be as torn up afterward. But your children will also benefit since they won’t be subjected to yet another fight between their parents. Indeed, the greatest negative effect of divorce on kids isn’t the divorce itself but the relentless anger that the children see and feel when their parents are at war.
How long will your anger last? There is no set formula or fixed answer to this question. Your anger will last as long as you want it to last. But the sooner you let it go, the sooner both you and your children will benefit and can move on.
There is another element involved in letting go of one’s anger and that is anger at one’s self. This anger can be for not seeing in the beginning that there would be trouble ahead in your relationship, for over-compromising, for waiting too long to make a change, for hurting one’s children and parents… the list goes on. The hope of a loving life together simply did not materialize with the person you originally intended. “How could you be so dumb?” you may ask. To these feelings you must extend the offer of forgiveness to yourself. In time, hopefully you can also forgive your partner. You did the best that you could and maybe you took a big hit, but you can recover and move on.
Keep in mind that your ex also has his or her own set of feelings of sadness and anger. Do your best to acknowledge these feelings and endeavor not to do further harm to this person as you both move forward. Remember, divorce is hard on everyone. But sometimes it is the best option for an otherwise intolerable situation. The goal is to move beyond the anger and sadness to a life filled with hope and promise.
