Losing a job can be a catastrophic disruption to a couple’s marriage. It can hit suddenly without warning and leave your lives in chaos. Events such as layoffs can pull a couple together or push them apart. If you want to pull together to ride out the storm, here are some tips that can help.
First, brace for the financial impact. If you are used to being a two-income household, going down to one is going to affect both of you. How you react can make or break you. Immediately revisit your finances to see which expenses can be cut or reduced. The math is simple: 1 + 0 does not equal 2, so trimming the budget is imperative to stay afloat. If you are fortunate enough to get unemployment benefits, it will help, but the numbers still aren’t going to equal the lifestyle you were accustomed to.
For those of you with a bit saved for that rainy day, good job. Still, be aware of your spending and budget for the long haul. In general, experts recommended that a family have enough saved to cover at least six months of expenses, though some lean toward a full year. But, according to Bankrate.com in a 2012 report, 28% of American families have no savings, while only 43% have enough to cover three months of expenses. If you fall into these categories, your road will be a harder one.
Okay, you’ve looked at the numbers, now what? You need a game plan, a sound strategy to help you through this stressful time. If you find emotions playing havoc with spousal communication, consider seeking advice from a financial coach, therapist or someone neutral who can help mediate some of the hard decisions you need to make. If you can identify and agree upon mutual goals and expectations, you and your partner will be able to hold each other accountable in a positive and nurturing manner, rather than an angry, critical one. You need to determine some key things, such as how long a grace period your spouse has to find a job. Help them identify what they would like to do, what really brings them to life. If they are enthused, they will be more successful in their job search. And if you’re the one out of work, knowing exactly what you want will narrow your search so you remain focused and consistent. Now’s the time to tap into your network of friends, family, and acquaintances, talk to anyone and everyone. Some of the best jobs are never posted online.
It’s also a good time to revisit your household chores list. It may help avoid tension if your unemployed spouse, who now has more time on their hands, assumes more of the duties each day to ease the working spouse’s burden and avoid potential resentment. You can always renegotiate chores more even Stephen when you’re back to being a two-income household.
You need to share three things at all times: communication, communication, communication. Healthy and clear communication is important to surviving difficult times, no matter the cause. Check in with each other every day; share your honest feelings. We tend to associate a lot of our worth with what we do in life. When someone loses a job they also lose a part of who they are, their identity, perhaps even their sense of worth. That could shake even the best of us up, leaving us uncertain about our role in life. Keep conversations compassionate and understanding rather than shame-based riddled with blame and derision. This will help keep you from fighting and emotions spinning out of control. Financial adjustment within a family can feel impossible to do; lifestyle is a habit and when changed unexpectedly, it can cause a tremendous amount of stress. So be gentle with each other, rather than beating each other up.
Find ways of showing each other gratitude and appreciation that have nothing to do with money. Make an effort to spend time together; make dinner for the other spouse or cook together, share a cup of coffee and conversation at home instead of stopping for the $5 latte on your way to work, curl up with a good movie on your couch rather than going to the theatre. You can pivot the way you look at this experience and provide support to your loved one at a very sensitive time. And doing it sooner than later will nip any potential marriage damage in the bud, and make your relationship stronger when you weather the tempest together.
