Parenting: Don’t Fight Through Kids, 10 Tips to Keep Children Healthy After Divorce
Serge Mallat’s hopes for a happy marriage and home life seemed sealed when he and his wife had two girls. But when his girls were 7 and 5, Mallat and his wife separated. A year later, they were divorced. An estimated 50 percent of couples divorce each year in the United States. The hurt, anger, and loss are difficult enough for adults to handle, but when children are involved, divorce and the issues that come with it become more complex, counseling and child psychiatry experts say.
A divorce can mean a loss of stability. Children’s lives can become a series of pick-ups and drop-offs between mom’s and dad’s house. Once well-behaved children may become withdrawn or act out after seeing their parents fight over them. And even in amicable divorces, the children still may feel that they’re the cause of the breakup.
“Divorce is always difficult,” says Dr. William Bernet, a child psychiatrist and director of forensic services at Vanderbilt University’s medical school in Nashville, Tenn. “You almost always lose contact with your parent because you don’t see them as often. You lose the sense of security that you previously had.”
STAYING CIVIL FOR THE KIDS
Most children can get through the experience if the parents are civil and adult about the divorce, says Bernet, co-author of the book Children of Divorce: A Practical Guide for Parents, Therapists, Attorneys, and Judges.”That starts at the beginning of the divorce process”, he says.
“Both parents should be present when they tell their children that they’re divorcing and down play the importance of the separation, especially with children who are 5 or 6 years old or younger”, he says. “You don’t have to tell a young child that this is the most horrible thing that’s happened,” Bernet says. “You can try to protect the child from the bad feelings that are floating around.”
He says the explanation can be as simple as telling the children that mommy and daddy are changing the way they live, and they get to stay in two places now. “If the children are older, make the announcement about the divorce together and let the news sink in”, Bernet says, “because kids don’t necessarily ask the why” questions at first.
But eventually, they’ll want to know why mom and dad are divorcing. Be prepared to answer such questions with age-appropriate responses and without getting into specifics about why the marriage has failed. After all, the reasons for the divorce are a private matter between the spouses: The children don’t need to know that the parents stopped loving each other or that dad or mom had an affair.
And no matter the children’s ages, parents need to let their kids know that the divorce isn’t their fault, Bernet and other experts say. Mallat and his ex-wife were able to help their girls – now 8 and 10 — overcome such thoughts by showing them enormous amounts of love and attention, he says. “A big thing during divorce is abandonment issues,” Mallat says. He makes sure his girls know that he’s there for them, he says. “He volunteers at their schools, coaches their soccer teams and comes to their school events. I have seen so many fathers just leave and that really hurts the kids.”
FIGHTING CAN BE DAMAGING
“Problems arise when the parents fight over the children, in front of the children and through the children. All three of those can be very, very damaging,” says Bernet, explaining one of his 10 Steps for Raising Children in Divorced Families. The fighting can be so destructive (that) they get caught in the middle.”
“Some parents use their children as pawns to get what they want in court, experts say. They may talk disparagingly about their ex-spouses to the point where children feel that they have to choose sides. Parents become preoccupied with proving their point, overlooking the pain and confusion their behavior is causing their children”, Bernet says. “In those cases”, he says, “parents need to follow a plan they agree to or one that a judge, counselor or mediator implements. The plan should define each parent’s role who’s in charge of the child’s education and medical care, for example.”
“Initially, people need to stick to the parenting plan religiously,” Bernet says. “If not, picking apart the plan or making changes to it will cause more discord. If you start negotiating, the arguments occur over the negotiating.”
“If fights ignite about every time former spouses see each other, they should make arrangements to avoid face-to-face contact”, Bernet suggests. “For example, if the ex-husband has weekend visitations, mom should let him pick up the kids at school on Fridays. Feuding ex-spouses also need to find ways to communicate, whether it’s meeting once a month with a counselor or mediator to resolve current issues such as weekend visits or problems at school. That arrangement can help parents deal with what’s at hand”, Bernet says. “You don’t go back into the history. You deal with the here and now.”
What’s agreed to and what actually happens can be two different things, though. Mallat says he and his ex-wife agreed never to fight or to speak badly of one another in front of their daughters. “That didn’t always happen”, he admits. “He’s learned to watch what he says and how he says it because his behavior could hurt his daughters. He tries mostly to e-mail and text-message his ex-wife to avoid situations where arguments can erupt.”
“We actually communicate very well when it comes to the girls. When issues come up, we discuss them and try to work them out together,” he says, adding that he and his ex-wife see each other regularly at their daughters’ soccer games and other functions.
Julie Berchtold thought she married for life. But after 25 years, her marriage ended painfully. Her divorce dragged on for four years, bringing financial hardship to the Fort Myers, Fla., woman and her three then-teenage sons. She had to return to the workforce for the first time in years, in part, because the child support payments didn’t cover the family’s expenses. Her parents and close friends helped her and her sons rebuild their lives.
GETTING COUNSELING EARLY
Mallat and his ex-wife realized their daughters needed a safe place to talk about the divorce. They enrolled the girls in an after-school divorce class so they could learn how to deal with their feelings surrounded by kids in similar situations.
“That extra support seems to have helped. The girls have adjusted well to their separate lives with mom and dad, he says. Every so often, we get some tears on us being apart, which is very normal for children, but in general, they are doing very well. Now that they are getting older, it is getting even easier.”
“But looking back, he says he would have done some things differently. He and his ex-wife should have sought counseling together and the family as a whole when they separated, he says. And he should have had his daughters talk with a counselor right away. I am concerned that something will come up when the girls are in their late teens or even early 20s that will affect them in their relationships,” Mallat says. “I don’t think that is the case, but it could happen.”
TIPS TO RAISE CHILDREN OF DIVORCED FAMILIES
1. Don’t fight over, through our around the kids.
2. Kids need to love and respect their parents.
3. Find ways to help the children have two homes, rather than one home and one hotel room.
4. Give appropriate consideration to the children’s wishes.
5. Despite the divorce, find ways to create enduring family traditions.
6. Recognize the rights and responsibilities of both parents.
7. Both children and parents should develop and maintain interests beyond the divorce.
8. Both children and parents should move on with their lives.
9. Don’t try to do it by yourself – reach out and seek support from family, friends, church and support groups.
10. When you need extra help, make use of professionals such as clergy and therapists.
Source: Children of Divorce: A Practical Guide for Parents, Therapists, Attorneys and Judges,” by William Bernet, M.D., and Don R. Ash, J.D, M,J.S. (Krieger Publishing Company, $31.50)
TIPS TO HELP CHILDREN
Talking to children about divorce is difficult for them and their parents. Here are some tips to help children deal with divorce:
2. Don’t wait until the last minute to tell your children about the divorce.
3. Parents should tell their children about the divorce together.
4. Keep the reasons for the divorce simple.
5. Stress that the divorce isn’t their fault.
6. Tell them the truth: that the divorce will be sad and upsetting for everybody.
7. Tell them that you still love them and will always be their mom and dad.
8. Don’t discuss each other’s faults, shortcomings or problems in front of the children
Source: American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry
2. Don’t make your kids promises you can’t keep.
3. Focus on getting healthy yourself. Find ways to work through your feelings of anger, depression and betrayal.
4. Find support through same-sex friends.
5. Don’t rush into new romantic relationships. Having a new person in your life may cause more confusion and heartache for your children. Become a whole person again by learning about yourself through your faith, support groups and other resources.
6. Keep loving, caring relatives and friends in your children’s lives.
Source: Julie Berchtold, director of Caring Ministries at St. Michael Lutheran Church, Fort Myers, Fla.
