My Husband Moved Out but Continues to Come and Go. What Can I Do?
Q: My husband of 12 years moved out and I have my suspicions that he has been with other women. He comes over every so often to visit the children and spends the night, but only on his terms. He’s in control and I feel angry and frustrated. How do I move on with my life?
A: It’s confusing when you have been rejected and then welcomed back, only to be rejected again. If what you suspect is accurate, you may also be putting your health at risk. Being involved with someone for whom you have lost respect may explain your anger. And it is certainly difficult to let go when you have so much history with someone.
Furthermore, by your very actions, some of the feelings of frustration are about breaking your own rules. As you and your husband are role models for your children, recognize that your behavior is teaching them some fundamental lessons about relationships. So you have a lot to think about.
You have already figured out that your husband is in the driver’s seat. Now try to understand what keeps you connected. Is it a longing for intimacy, fear of the future, or the hope of reconciliation? In order to draw the line, it’s necessary to first determine what it is you want for yourself.
It is normal, when you feel disconnected, to want to be close. Yet it’s also painful to be with someone who is not honest about what he says or how he acts. You may be concerned about losing what you no longer have. Perhaps it is time to begin to make choices based on what you believe is right for you. Sometimes you have to look inside yourself in order to move forward. Rather than responding to your husband’s directives, begin to listen to your own voice. Don’t try to hold on to what may never again bring you happiness. Let go of the past and focus on challenges that are facing you, no matter how difficult they may seem.
Although your husband’s leaving and coming back gives you some information, there are times in life when answers cannot come from others. And you have to grow comfortable with making your own decisions. Your anger is an indication that you are beginning to want change. Step away and open yourself to the possibilities. You deserve to have positive energy in your life — more healthy interactions, mutual support, and engagement for the right reasons.
Waiting or hanging on wastes your time and delays your chances of finding fulfillment. Set personal goals for yourself and then take small steps toward achieving them. Instead of the emptiness you’re feeling, fill yourself up. Gain self-respect by taking control as you move toward more inclusive relationships. Expect to feel heard and valued. Look for others who are sensitive to your needs and appreciate you for who you are. These are but a few of the essential ingredients necessary for you to move beyond the confines of your present circumstances.
