Divorce Court’s Lynn Toler Offers Tips for Married or Divorced Couples
The holidays can be the best of times and the worst of times for families. Judge Lynn Toler knows that well. She’s presided over family dramas in TV’s Divorce Court and helped adjudicate countless squabbles in relationships.
Married for nearly 20 years, a working mother of two teenagers and stepmother to four, Toler said the holidays can put an additional strain on a relationship. “Couples are likely to argue over everything from where to spend the holidays and with whom to how much money they spend on gifts for the children. Women especially want everything in place,” said Toler, author of the book, My Mother’s Rules: A Practical Guide to Becoming an Emotional Genius.” The attempt to get it causes stress and the absence of it causes stress.
“Today’s uncertain financial climate is weighing heavily on relationships. With lost jobs, fears of layoffs, mortgage problems and more, it’s taking a toll at home, particularly on the middle-class. It is worse this year because of the economy,” Toler said. “If you’re afraid you’re going to lose your job, you can’t have that sense of abandon when you go to Target this year.”
Judge Toler, who has spent 20 years in family court, said couples who might otherwise head to divorce court are reconsidering. They’re saying, ‘Man if it’s going to get bad, let’s hunker down. I’ve got bigger problems than you.’
She said the recent crash in the real estate market has got some couples upside down financially in their homes. And with the biggest asset now a liability, divorce becomes a luxury they can no longer afford.
Her best piece of advice: If you’re thinking about divorce as you head into the holidays, Make sure you really need to leave. We live in an instant gratification society, and everyone wants to be happy. You need to ask yourself, is this fixable? If you are not really going at each other, you should try to work it out.
Judge Toler said the combination of the bad economy and the holidays may actually offer a chance to do just that. Instead of spending money this holiday, she suggests couples do what she and her husband did years ago when they faced financial stress. They gave each other coupon books with 10 coupons in them. Hers included a night off from doing the dishes. His included an evening where he could smoke a cigar inside the house.
“It doesn’t cost anything, and it can rekindle the romance,” she said. “It’s silly, but sometimes it’s the silly stuff that really counts.”
Other tips to help as couples, married or divorced, keep the holidays happy include:
TIPS FOR COUPLES
1. Have a plan.
Sit down and talk about a game plan for the holidays for you and your spouse. Toler said she’s often heard men say they didn’t know their wives were unhappy until they filed for divorce. Communication, apparently, is part of the problem. If you talk about your plans, you know what to expect and problems don’t just build and build and build.
2. Keep it in perspective.
“Don’t let the fact that the turkey didn’t turn out well or your mother-in-law is complaining about the dressing be yet another reason on your list of things that bother you about your spouse. Don’t globalize. We’re not starving in the Sudan. It’s just my mother-in-law talking about the dressing,” she said. “Don’t let the little things add on to the problems you already have,” Toler said. “Isolate the events. Know that they’re particular to the holidays.” The bottom line: your mother-in-law will go home, eventually. And you have to live with any emotional decisions about your relationship that you might not otherwise make under less stressful circumstances.
3. Maintain your sense of humor.
“Don’t get frustrated by people who push your buttons. If you know a relative or two who do that during the holidays, think about how you plan to react when they inevitably get around to you. It takes all the fun out of it when you agree with them. I always have a response ready for those people who get me started,” Toler said.
4. Make an opening gesture.
“If something happens that gets you both hot under the collar during the holidays, be the partner who steps up to the plate to talk about it. I’m a big believer in the opening gesture,” Toler said. “When she and her husband have a problem”, she said, “I always start out with, ‘Baby, I appreciate the fact that’ and then I go into the bad stuff.”
TIPS FOR THE DIVORCED
1. Take the high ground.
“If you want something from your ex-spouse, make a concession first. If you know they do something special with their family and will want the children for that time, tell them you’re happy to let them have that time, then ask for what you want. The holidays are not a perfect time,” she said. “Make a concession and begin the conversation. If you give them something in the beginning, it gives them an opportunity to give back.”
2. Sit the kids down and talk to them.
“It’s tough enough when they’re going back and forth between homes under normal circumstances. During the holiday there’s even more stress for you and for them. Tell them, ‘We’re going to work it out so you can have two Christmases,” she said. “Put a positive spin on it.”
3. Don’t badmouth your ex.
“Sit yourself down and make a promise every day not to make the holidays negative by badmouthing your former spouse. Tell yourself you’re not going to allow it, and voice that sentiment aloud. Make sure you don’t say anything negative about the other person,” she said. “It’s very easy to do because the holidays are stressful. Tell yourself every day, ‘I’m going to keep it positive for the kids.'”
