For Singles: Tips from Experts to Survive Celebrations — Without Misery
Holiday celebrations conjure up images of friends and family gathered together in love and harmony. It is not necessarily the reality for those whose marriages are ending.
“Although the holidays tend to focus on family and togetherness, they don’t have to be a miserable time for someone recently separated or divorced,” says Dorothy W. Cantor, Psy.D., a psychologist who has been practicing for more than 25 years. She is a past president of the American Psychological Association and the current president of the American Psychological Foundation. Cantor is also the author of five books, including What Do You Want to Do When You Grow Up? Starting the Next Chapter of Your Life.
“The holidays are an especially difficult time for the newly single because celebrations tend to be centered around gathering together [with] family members,” says Cantor. “Holidays are built around family, so there are a set of traditions, routines and expectations. The change in those underlines the change in the family structure. It sort of rubs it in. At the holidays, the loss of the spouse — as well as the loss of the spouse’s family members — becomes magnified.”
“Even more difficult is the prospect of having to share one’s children during the holidays,” she adds. “And so there’s a loss there, too, depending on what the traditional celebrations were. Another reason the holidays are so difficult is [that] people tend to set up extremely high expectations for how perfect and happy the celebrations will be. I wonder if any holiday can live up to that.”
“Those expectations are what makes newly singles struggle more to have a positive holiday season,” says Katrina Greene, MSW, a life coach in New York. In addition, she believes the added projection in the media that every family is intact and happy makes it even more difficult. “Singletons tend to feel that they were once in that category, but are no longer. The single people are probably more prevalent,” Greene says. “It’s just not promoted as much.”
“Feeling like the holiday celebrations is only families can make someone who just experienced a break-up feel even worse,” says Robert Emery, Ph.D., a professor of psychology and the director of the Center for Children, Families, and the Law at the University of Virginia. “We have these ideas that the holidays will be a wonderful time. They are a special time of year, but the holidays are stressful, too, particularly when they are a reminder of friends, family, a relationship, a future, and you are facing them by yourself. The holidays are supposed to be a time of coming together, and when you have just come apart, you feel like you don’t belong.”
“Even the weather seems to make the holidays a time for togetherness,” says Toni Coleman, MSW, a licensed psychotherapist and relationship coach in Virginia. “I call this the digging in time of year. It’s the time when people want to stay close to home and hibernate.”
Coleman says the holidays and other celebrations tend to amplify the loneliness and isolation newly single people feel. “It culminates in New Year’s, which is the couple’s event of the year,” Coleman says. But the holidays don’t have to be a time of loneliness. Instead, they can be a time of new traditions and of celebrations that make one truly happy.
PREPARE FOR HAPPY HOLIDAYS
“The first step in preparing for the holiday season alone is to identify the biggest concerns,” says Cantor. “Global worrying, or being concerned about everything at once, will make the process worse. The truth is, you can’t solve a problem until you know what it is.”
“So if the worry is about feeling lonely during the holidays, devise plans for being with people,” Cantor says. “If the great worry is about getting everything done, start decorating, shopping or wrapping sooner,” she says. “However, don’t expect to solve every problem. The first holidays without your spouse are going to feel peculiar. You are going to feel the loss. But you can tell yourself that it won’t be as hard next year.”
“It will get progressively easier,” Cantor adds. “You’ll get past it. There is life after divorce.”
“Planning ahead will ease some of the worries about the holidays, and will also make the holidays more enjoyable,” Coleman says. “The first thing that I talk to people about is having some kind of plan in advance. It’s so important when you are single because people tend to do things because that’s the way it has always been done, just kind of by rote.”
“A better idea is to think about what would make the holidays a positive experience, regardless of what others are doing. For many, the holidays are one of their few vacations from work,” says Coleman, whose client has been dreading the parties around Christmas and New Year’s Eve, so she and a friend are taking a cruise during that time. “In other words, think outside the box. This about things you might want to do because this is your vacation. This is your time off,” she says.
“Do the things that will make the holidays special. Take trips, visit relatives, bake a ton of cookies, attend concerts,” Coleman says. “If you want to, do something. But if it is something that feels like a huge chore, think differently.”
“Planning ahead will ensure that the newly single person does not end up in a difficult or unhealthy situation,” she explains, believing that her clients are at a greater risk for overdoing it and becoming exhausted at the end of the holiday season, or eating and drinking too much and feeling terrible about it if they don’t plan ahead. “I always warn people that’s what can happen if you don’t start setting some limits,” Coleman says. “You are at much greater risk if you don’t think about it in advance and try to make it a meaningful holiday.”
“Be creative in planning holiday time,” adds Greene. Some of her clients have come up with interesting ways to mark the days, like taking trips or going on blind dates. “I’ve got clients doing amazing things over the holidays, that they never could or would otherwise,” she says. “You know, doing something out of the ordinary, and making a great holiday.”
She also suggests that instead of isolating oneself, sulking or moping around, focus on what is positive about the holidays. “A gratitude list, in which one writes down everything for which that person is grateful, is often helpful,” Greene says.
HELP FROM FAMILY, FRIENDS
Karen Jones, a relationship coach and author of The Sure-fire Guide to Getting What You Need from Men, said that newly single people need to make friends and family aware of what they need throughout the holidays. If it is uncomfortable to spend time at a party that is mostly couples, explain that. They won’t automatically assume it.
“Be honest with friends,” Jones says. “Let them know that you are feeling very sensitive, so everybody is aware of what you might need. Be very bold about asking for what you need.”
“And for family and friends, that means being available to support the newly single,” explains Emery. The most simple, effective thing to do is to just be there. “You’re not quizzing them, you are not lecturing them, you’re are not telling them what to do,” he says. “You are there to be with them, to share time together.”
He adds that there is a natural inclination by family and friends to take sides in the demise of the relationship and to vent anger about it. But this behavior should be avoided because it will not be helpful to anyone involved. “Hold on to that, it doesn’t do anybody any good,” recommends Emery.
Instead, the newly single person just needs to be listened to and supported through what might be a difficult time. “They are grieving, and anger is a part of grief, but it is an emotionally complicated process,” Emery says.
“The holiday season can also be a way to move through the emotions of divorce and find a way to a new beginning,” Emery says. He recommends trying to embrace and participate in the spirit of the holidays. “This is a time of giving, forgiving, and fresh starts.”
TIPS FOR SURVIVING THE HOLIDAYS NEWLY SINGLE
1. Plan ahead.
Plan to attend parties, events, outings with friends. Don’t wait until the last minute. Don’t feel obligated to accept every invitation. Stay home if that feels better.
2. Remember this is vacation time.
This is time away from work, treat it that way. Simplify the holidays. If that means giving fewer gifts, then convince friends and family to choose one name out of a hat for gift-giving. If it means visiting fewer relatives, then bow out of family celebrations. Don’t isolate yourself.
3. Find a way to mark the holidays.
It may bring in new traditions. For some, the holidays are just not a meaningful time of year. For those, taking a trip might make the holidays happier. Use a gratitude list to focus on the positive aspects of the holidays.
4. Be clear and bold in asking for what you need from family and friends.
Have a support system in place. Try to find a friend or family member to call or e-mail if feelings of loneliness crop up. Evaluate what makes the holidays happy for you, and do just that. Don’t worry about pleasing someone else. Figure out what is important to you.
About the author: Michele Bush Kimball has a Ph.D. in mass communication with a specialization in media law. She has spent almost 15 years in the field of journalism, and she teaches at American University in Washington, D.C. She recently won a national research award for her work.
