Start Today With New Traditions, New Ideas and A New Life
Tears crept up on Charlotte Bloom as she and her two daughters unpacked their holiday decorations the year after her divorce.”I was extremely sad going through the ornaments,” says Bloom, 42, of Palatine, Illinois, as she came across those she had bought for her ex-husband for special occasions.
She says her oldest daughter, now 14, got emotional as well and the youngest, now 11, tried to calm them down.”We ended up turning off the lights and turning on just the Christmas tree lights. We sat on the couch and ended up talking about what was going to be the same this Christmas and what would be different,” says Bloom, who separated from her husband of 15 years in 2004. “We got a box of tissues and cried.”
With new divorces involving a million children each year, according to the National Center for Policy Analysis, each holiday season presents a new set of parents with the struggle of how to make happy holiday memories out of a family situation that is forever changed.
“Focusing on your children’s needs can help,” says Suzy Yehl Marta, founder of Rainbows International, a not-for-profit organization based in Rolling Meadows, Illinois. Her program uses peer-support groups and other services to address the social and emotional well-being of children dealing with loss due to divorce, death or incarceration of a family member or a catastrophic community crisis.
“Parents really need to appreciate the holiday from the child’s perspective,” says Marta. Something she says is often difficult to do when the parents themselves are still dealing with so much pain.
She urges parents to ask their children what would make the holiday rewarding for them. “It might be to see both parents. It might be not going to Dad’s girlfriend’s”, says Marta, author of “Healing the Hurt, Restoring the Hope” (SawRobin Press, 2003). “It may be difficult to grant their wishes. There is a huge disconnect between what the kids want and what the parents are able to do,” says Marta.
“However,” she says, “It matters more to the kids that parents care and listen to what they’re feeling and say, ‘I hear what you said and we can’t do it this year, maybe next year.'”
Marta, whose Rainbows program is now in 17 countries, says divorcing parents often ask whether they should get together to open holiday presents with their children. She thinks it can work for families who get along well. Bloom, who is the director of administration for Rainbows International, says her family has done this successfully for several years. She says her ex-husband, a commercial pilot, joins them Christmas morning to open gifts and have brunch with mutual friends if he isn’t working that day.
“They like that they are able to have Mom time,” Bloom says of her girls. “Then the things that are the same together, like brunch, and then open presents together, and then they spend time with the other side of the family.”
Marta says she doesn’t think it confuses children when their divorced parents get together to see them open gifts. “It does not have to send a mixed message if parents say, ‘We just want to see you when Santa comes,'” she says.
However, parents must be able to put aside their anger and differences during this time to make it work. “Kids pick up on it,” cautions Marta. “They have a sixth sense. People might say their kids don’t know how they’re feeling but they know by your body language and tone of voice.”
Marta urges parents not to try to out-do each other with gift giving. “Parents’ love is not shown in gift-giving,” she says. “We’re sharing our love and relationship.”
She suggests making new traditions. Marta was divorced when her three boys were ages six, seven and eight. She says each holiday she focused on creating happy memories for them. “I would fast forward and say, what do I want my children’s memory to be about their childhood? It was very effective. My kids have wonderful memories and they are carrying on many of those traditions with their biological families.”
She recommends avoiding trying to pack two holidays into one 24-hour period, unless this is something the children have said they wanted. “Traveling from family house to family house is not going to make the holiday meaningful, but rather it can make it tiresome.”
She says it’s important to share the children lovingly when it comes time for the parents to hand their children off to each other. “Follow along with the custody arrangements and celebrate the child on the way out the door without having them feel guilty that they’re leaving the parent on the holiday,” adds Marta. “They already feel bad about it.”
She urges parents to make plans for themselves for the part of the holiday they’ll spend without their children. Marta says she spent her first Christmas without her boys with another family and found it too painful because of where she was in her life. The next Christmas, she spent the day delivering gifts to residents of a seniors’ home. “It was a far more meaningful day,” she says. “You might need to adapt.”
Bloom says, “I plan a few hours to cry. The sad time is getting shorter, but it still appears at unexpected moments.” Then she makes plans to visit a friend and do a project like paint a bathroom or return Christmas gifts or go for a cup of coffee.
Jacqueline Lassa, 44, of Brookfield, Wis., is planning her first post-divorce Christmas this year. Her four children will be with her ex-husband on Christmas Eve and both friends and family have invited her to spend that time with them.”Part of me wants to just stay home by myself,” says Lassa, whose children will join her for Christmas day. “I’m responsible for four kids the majority of the time. I seek out solitude when I can.”
She says she’s not yet sure how she’ll feel about these holidays, but she says she does plan to talk to her children, ages 7, 12, 14 and 16 about what they expect. “I think that’s important,” she says.
Bloom says she and her ex-husband have been able to put their children’s best interests first during the holidays. “One thing we’ve always agreed upon is our children,” she says. “It’s not their fault we couldn’t be married.”
About the author: Stacey Tiedge Alatzas of Bel Air, Maryland., is a freelance journalist, blogger and new media consultant with 12 years of experience writing and editing for daily newspapers.
