What To Do If Facebook Is Leading To Cheating
Imagine you’re a 30-something, mother of four, married for almost 10 years and you wake up one day and discover that your spouse has been e-mailing his high school honey on MySpace and that’s really why he left the house and wants a divorce. Think it’s not likely? Think again. That’s exactly the situation thatDivorce360 community member, who goes by “Tuff,” recently found herself facing.
She confirmed her spouse’s cheating using his e-mail, discovering his girlfriend’s name and cell phone number to boot. “..He called and we talked for a bit. He started talking about Myspace, and I told him that I had a confession and told him that I had broke into his e-mails and had gotten her information. I was expecting the usual ranting and raving and name calling, but he didn’t. He said he was sorry, and then from that point on told me everything about her and how she was his high school sweetheart and they had just recently met up again, thanks to Myspace.”
“Does he think the grass is really greener?” 5babemomwrote in response to Tuff’s blog entry. According to experts, the answer is yes, he does. How realistic that is, well, that’s a different story, according to the experts. “All that glitters isn’t gold. The grass is always greener. Why have such quotes stood the test of time? And what do they mean? Obviously that many things look appealing at first, but then turn out not to be,” said Dr. Mark Goulston, author of “The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship.”
The Internet has multiplied opportunities to start a romance with someone online. Chat rooms, interactive web sites, blogging and forums like MySpace and Facebook have given people the chance to hook up with people of all kinds, whether they’re professional contacts, family members or old high school honey’s they used to date. The Internet hookup has become so commonplace, it’s now considered the best option to meet a potential mate.
“I suppose it’s as good as a bar,” said Alice Aspen March, Los Angeles-based author of “The Attention Factor.” “The only difference is at a bar you actually see and talk to a person in the flesh. When you go on the Internet, you are getting a connection with a person in the machine. And it’s really a fantasy to have an affair on a machine. It is not real.”
Tuff is not the only person to find out her spouse was cheating with a high school honey he met on a social networking Web site. It’s becoming more and more common, experts say. “Why the attraction to high school honey’s? Perhaps the single greatest reason is a tendency to idealize past relationships and fantasize about them rather than confronting problems in a current relationship,” Goulston said.
Dr. Tina Tessina, Ph.D., author of “Money, Sex, and Kids,” a book that helps couples get through the main causes of marital strife, thinks social networking prompts more romance when reconnecting with someone from your past. “MySpace, Facebook, and other social networking sites are great for reconnecting with old friends and loves. This is one more instance demonstrating the power of connection. Connecting with total strangers through social sites doesn’t often pan out because the face-to-face meeting often has no chemistry. But, connecting with someone who shares your history can be very powerful,” she said.
Tessina said reconnecting with an old love on social networking sites can tempt partners. “Feeling tempted and fantasizing can cause you to act in such a way that your partner feels suspicious and threatened. The most basic and common sign of temptation is a romantic charge that you feel and cannot deny, and whenever you connect with this special someone, somehow your day or evening brightens. At this point, you could diffuse the attraction by taking one simple action: discuss it with your spouse. If you felt the ease or freedom to discuss it, you might discover what is driving the attraction.It may be a quality that your spouse once had that now lies fallow, or one that you and your spouse could foster, if only you knew what it was,” Tessina said.
“The biggest problem married couples face”, Goulston said, “is they don’t know how to talk about difficult topics, which can make a partner look for other opportunities outside marriage because they don’t know how to do the work couples need to do to stay together. It is inevitable that some or all of these foundations become shaken in most relationships, and we don’t know how to have those dicey conversations to rebuild them. It is difficult to tell a partner that something he has done for 15 years, which he thought turned you on, has really turned you off or talk to her about how her gossiping has made you lose respect for her. So people look elsewhere, hoping the foundations will remain strong without any maintenance.However, in most cases, the same thing happens overagain.”
Goulston’s advice if you’re married and want to avoid the problem before it starts: “Set up ground rules ahead of time for talking about and through those times when any of those foundations starts to be shaky. You can do this by asking the other person, ‘Since disappointment and let down and hurt are inevitable in a relationship, what’s the best way to approach you when I am feeling one of those that just won’t go away on its own?’ ”
And if you’re already attracted to a high school honey you reconnected with on Facebook, Tessina thinks honesty is the best policy. “By openly discussing the attraction without fighting and alienating one another, you and your spouse build trust and acknowledge that these things do happen and when they do, you’ll deal with it because you are together for the long haul. If it’s an old high school sweetheart, it may be that you and your spouse would decide it would be better for you not go out to lunch or coffee alone. If you both make it clear you’re married, get together only with each others’ family members, you can build a friendship and overcome the attraction,” Tessina said.
GUIDELINES FOR BUILDING TRUST
1. Remember fear breaks down trust.
Don’t frighten your partner (or yourself) by testing too hard, risking too much, or demanding the impossible. If you begin to feel frightened, talk about it. If you want to be told what is going on, don’t make it too hard for your partner to be honest by making threats or reacting hysterically, or with rage.
2. Keep each other informed.
Lying or sneaking does even more damage than breaking contracts.If you slipup, tell the truth. If your partner errs, be open to hearing it without flying off the handle, and negotiate a solution to the problem, using the problem-solving steps in the first section of this chapter. If your partner keeps messing up and shows no sign of change, or if you can’t keep your bargains, couple counseling is crucial.
3. Learn to make clear contracts and renegotiate them before you break them.
Give it time. Patience and communication are your best allies.As you learn that you both make mistakes, and no one’s being deliberately hurtful, trust builds. As it does, you can begin to relax the rules and allow yourselves more spontaneity.
(from “Money, Sex, and Kids” by Tina B. Tessina, Adams Media)
