Parenting: After Split, Virtual Visitation Helps Maintain Relationship with Child
Michael Gough has a hobby. It is virtual visitation. While the Craft and Hobby Association probably doesn’t recognize the idea, Gough maintains it is his pastime nonetheless. “This is a hobby. It found me. I didn’t find it,” Gough said of virtual visitation.
In many respects, however, Gough could easily be considered a founding father of virtual or online visitation. Today, he certainly serves as a major advocate and information source hosting not one, but two, Web sites on the topic.
Currently residing in Wisconsin, Gough’s story begins in Utah when his ex-wife decided to relocate to the Cheesehead State with their daughter. Already a computer savvy professional, Gough requested visitation with his daughter via electronic resources including e-mail, video mail, text messaging, video calls and any other applicable technology. “I went to court and asked for this option,” he said. She (the ex-wife) disagreed, and the judge was unfamiliar with it. That put me in a ‘I had to prove this would work’ situation.”
Gough teamed up with his lawyer to build a successful case for virtual visitation. “We decided to do a presentation in court with my mother, who is completely computer literate,” he said. “I got it awarded as part of my divorce.” But Gough’s journey didn’t stop there. “I thought all that effort was crazy, so I asked my lawyer to help me educate other lawyers,” he said.
Educate is exactly what Gough did. To begin, the computer security expert set up two Web sites InternetVisitation.org. InternetVisitation.org boasts the following mission: To help educate and provide information about Virtual Visitation and to help promote legislation worldwide.
Thanks in large part to Gough’s drive, virtual visitation, also called electronic communication, is represented in state law for Utah, Wisconsin, Texas, and Florida. The .org site tracks legislation efforts. Currently, there are efforts in 27 states and bills in seven additional states regarding virtual visitation.The Web site’s .net counterpart, on the other hand, features numerous resources on facilitating virtual visitation.
One of the many things Gough does to contribute the virtual visitation cause comes in the form of a handbook. “I developed this thing called a virtual visitation handbook, which I’ve been giving away free now for several years,” he said.
The handbook can be downloaded at his .org site for less than $5. The small fee also includes several other resources offered through the sites premium service. Gough personally updates the handbook annually and is almost finished with the fourth edition. “I really cover the gamut,” he said of the handbook.
Gough doesn’t, however, charge a lot for the publication or the additional services. “Divorce is expensive enough, we don’t need to add to that cost,” he said. He also offers information and resources for attorneys and judges as part of his services on the site.
NOT JUST FOR PARENTS
Gough resides in Wisconsin. He made the journey east to fill the physical gap between himself and his daughter. While the duo can now enjoy more time face to face, they can also utilize virtual visitation. In Gough’s case, he opted to use his visitation rights to bargain for more in-person time, he said. “This is not only for long distance situations but also for local,” he said. “Being a few miles away, I could have a video call theoretically and do flashcards and homework. It can be used in a lot of ways. There shouldn’t be a limited factor in using this.”
As Gough proved in his court case, you don’t have to be a computer geek to take part in a virtual visitation session. This means even older, less computer savvy, generations can take advantage of electronic communication too. “My daughter gets to see her grandparents and great grandparents more than she normally would,” Gough said.
Chuck Mason of Virginia also utilizes virtual visitation for more than just his personal relationship with is daughter, Arielle. “When she is here, I put her on the computer, schedule a call with her mom,” Mason said. “It really works well with Arielle on both sides of the country.”
Mason also agrees with Gough that visitation can take place despite the lack of distance between participants. “It doesn’t matter if you across the country, or across town, it just requires two people who are willing to do this,” he said.
GETTING STARTED
According to Gough, the key to virtual visitation is a good Web cam and application system. “A good Web cam is worth its weight in gold,” he said. Most American households already have a computer and a large percentage of those computers have some type of Internet connection, Gough said.
Gough said opponents of virtual visitation often claim it is a security nightmare. “I think opponents are techno-phobic, older, and they are not computer savvy, they don’t understand it, and they don’t like computers,” he said. In all actuality, Gough, said security concerns surrounding virtual visitation should begin and end with the parents. “When you give a child access to Internet, you have the obligation to monitor that. All those things we call ‘Parenting 101’ “ this is one of them,” he said. “You must, as a parent, monitor that access.”
Gough is also quick to point out that there are software solutions readily available to parents wanting to monitor their child’s computer and Internet activity. “There is not a lot of effort involved here, but a lot of peace of mind,” he said. “You can be notified by e-mail, instant messaging when the child breaks the rules.”
With that said, however, Gough adds that security concerns are very important. “FBI statistics say there is 100 percent chance of coming into contact with predator while online,” he said.
Gough also said a common misperception about Web cams is that someone can access a camera without the camera owner’s authorization. “It is completely in control of the parent. This is more of a fear, not a reality,” Gough said. “These web cams cannot be turned on from the other side. You as a parent have full control over that.”
FINDING AN ATTORNEY
Gough recommends searching for an attorney familiar with virtual visitation if it is going to be an issue in your divorce. Specifically, he said to Google virtual visitation attorney and the name of your state. “They will have written something about the topic, you might find an attorney that way,” he said. “Your attorney should be aware of this subject now if not you might want to find someone else.”
Who pays for what? People often ask me, ‘if you are going to make this request, who pays for the equipment,'” Gough said. It’s far cheaper just to say, I’m going to pay for the equipment. For example, Gough said a computer at Wal-Mart runs approximately $400. “That is two hours of attorney time,” he said. Add in Internet costs, a Web cam and another other fees or equipment and Gough said it is still less expensive than having your attorney debate the issue. “You have to look at some of these costs and ask ‘what am I willing to bear?’ For the most part, the requesters should be prepared to pay,” he said.
But does virtual visitation really work? At least two other parents think so. Jim Buie, like Gough, has dedicated some time and energy into providing resources for parents looking into virtual visitation. Buie resides in North Carolina and continues to keep up with his son, who is now 24-years-old, via virtual visitation. “It basically helped us maintain the relationship. I feel I’m pretty close to my son and always have been,” Buie said.
Buie and his son started virtual visitation sessions when he was 10-years-old. “He would dictate e-mails to her on a daily basis,” Buie said. “Then it advanced from there.”
“As the speed of things got better, we got web cams, we used anything we could to stay in close touch,” Buie said. “In some way, we are kind of pioneers in the sense that we just started out with e-mail. Even that was an advancement from the telephone.”
Buie’s Web site provides not just parents, but essentially anyone with resources to maintain contact via technology. “It’s got a lot of suggestions for parents,” he said. But it’s not just for people experiencing divorce, it’s also for senior citizens. “I think that when you are going through a divorce, it’s real easy to get discouraged and depressed by the idea you are not going to have contact or quality relationships with your kids … I would say that is not true. You can have very good relationships with your kids. I would encourage any parent to get two web cams, they are not that expensive, set them up, your parent or kid can be a click away.”
Again, Mason concurs. “It does help with both ends of the relationship,” he said. Mason and Arielle, have utilized virtual visitation for nearly 11 years after Arielle’s mother relocated to Colorado. They began when Arielle was just 18 months old. “Quite frankly, I am able to be involved. I can interact with her a thousand miles away,” Mason said. “She can tell if I am upset or if I am happy. She has also been able to share with me her music,” Mason said. “One of the most important things I am able to do is share facial expressions. I can’t do that on the telephone.”
Mason credits his close relationship with Arielle to virtual visitation. “This allows me to have a certain amount of online presence and availability,” he said. “If I didn’t have the Internet, I’m sure we wouldn’t have the relationship we have today.”
Online Mason and his daughter are able to share music and documents. They also enjoy time playing games and browsing the Internet together, he said. Mason has even had the pleasure of meeting Arielle’s friends. All her friends gather around and I get to meet all of them. “That is not an interruption to me,” he said. “It’s difficult doing that, even down the street.”
Mason also said there are some added benefits to the visitations. “It allows mom and dad to work together, actually it requires mom and dad to work together,” he said. “The bi-product is I have a computer savvy 12-year-old.”
“We are very alert for danger,” he said. “We ask that she log off and secure her computer and connection,” Mason said.
Mason requested virtual visitation because he was already familiar with the technology. “I worked with video conferencing in my day to day professional environment,” he said. “I told the judge I was capable in this area. The only thing I really had to buy was a camera. All we did was take an innovative step to use what was already there.”
Overall, Mason said he satisfied with his online experience. “I feel quite comfortable that I am able to help her mom raise this child. I am able to parent this child from a long distance,” he said. “My prayer is she can step up one day and say you know if it wasn’t for virtual visitation I wouldn’t be where I am today.”
About the author: Casey Clark Ney is a freelance journalist based in Boise, ID. She holds a B.A. in Communication and has more than six years experience in newspaper and magazine writing. Her Web site can be viewed at www.CaseyClarkNey.com. E-mail correspondences can be sent to caseyclarkney@earthlink
