In today’s world, families are not what they once were. Many of the social customs that surrounded a marriage and children centuries ago were based on local community strengths and values. Consistency was probably how the idea of family evolved. Consistency meant providing and caring for babies and children, taking care of people during times of illness or injury, and supporting adults as they aged and drew close to the end of their lives. In early tribal cultures, some of these consistency needs were met simply by belonging to the tribe and following their rules and customs.
Families did not move and change like they do today. Plus, the expectation that two people might only be intimately interested in each other for their entire lives may not be as realistic.
Of course, this doesn’t mean that families can or should no longer exist. It may simply be that we need to redefine what a family is, and help families remain intact even when parents decide they must divorce. Hillary Clinton is credited for the use of the familiar phrase “it takes a village” to raise a child, as identified in the title of her 1996 book, It Takes a Village: And Other Lessons Children Teach Us. This philosophy says that how children develop and what they need to succeed in life are entwined with the society in which they live, and how well it sustains and supports its families and individuals.
Family takes many forms in our current world. There are parents and children, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and all the usual assortment of blood relatives. Then there are others who play huge roles in family life, despite not being related by blood from stepparents to neighbors to teachers, to leaders of extracurricular activities like sports. There is also the huge impact of social media and its connection to family values and structure. Each of these categories and many more weave the fabric that surrounds modern families.
However, when a couple decides to divorce, they have the opportunity to weave their own unique consistency plan. This is not only a chance to design their own transition to separate individuals, it is also a time to plan to provide a consistent and dependable structure to help their children reach adulthood.
There are a multitude of views on how this should look, depending on who you talk to, what you read, and who advises you. If you are considering divorce, ask yourself the following questions and then work out a new definition of “family” for your family:
- What are your children used to?
- What do they need?
- Who are the most important people in their lives besides you and the other parent?
- How are you going to create a dependable structure to help them grow up?
- What do you want your children to say about you looking back on this divorce?
- Where and who is your village?
- How are you going to continue to maintain a sense of family in an ever-changing world?
