Kids want to know what is going on in the world. Yet the things they want to know are not always the things that their parents think they should know. Most divorcing parents wonder how they can tell their children about a divorce, yet protect them from any fallout.
If you’re a divorcing parent, your experience is not unique. Today over 50 percent of children are being raised by divorced parents. Kids talk about divorce among their friends, and horror stories run rampant as with any controversial subject that has no clear guidance. Most schools have recognized the need to provide support when children are dealing with family transitions. However, there is a new trend developing, where parents take the lead in giving accurate information about divorce to their children. But what kind of information?
First, it is important to know that telling them when together is not always the best thing. It depends on the level of emotional maturity of the parents and the state of resolution each parent has reached about the divorce. It is normal to cry with your children and it is OK, as long as the focus stays on the fact that the children’s relationship with each parent is not what is at stake.
How do you tell your children that Mommy and Daddy have fallen out of love, but not leave the kids believing that you’ll fall out of love with them, too?
Some ideas for this discussion include the following:
- Lots of hugs and reassurance.
- Explain that Mommy/Daddy bonds with kids are very different from Mommy/Daddy bonds with each other there was choice in your getting together, but they were born to you and those are forever bonds.
- Stress the fact that you and the other parent will always continue to work together to support and nourish them.
- Remind them of lots of good memories, and begin to create new good memories right away (remember, it takes five good thoughts to counter one negative one).
- Explain that some of the things they hear from school friends about divorce may not be true. Ask them to share these stories so that you can discuss them together. Explain how and why your divorce is not that way.
- Tell them why you still think that you and the other parent are the best Mom and Dad in the world.
- Discuss openly how any schedules will change and ease into them. Ask the children for their thoughts and simply explain reasons for anything they don’t understand.
- Work on simple, clear communication about the answers to the children’s questions without getting into adult details about why the marriage ended. Remind them constantly that your upset is not at or about them.
- Listen to your children they may surprise you with the concerns they have.
If you feel overwhelmed or the kids seem to be struggling with the change, get professional help. Don’t lean on your children to support you emotionally. School counselors are familiar with these issues and can provide resources and suggestions. There is no shame in asking for help, it is the right thing to do. A dollar spent at the time of divorce on getting kids the emotional support they need is worth hundreds of dollars at a later date when the issues get buried and twisted over time.
Give the children positive memories if they one day need to revisit this time. Even if your words aren’t perfect, the respect you show by speaking to them kindly and reassuringly will provide them with confidence and trust in the future.
Remember, you are not alone in this situation, and there are lots of tools out there to ease the transition. One place to start is www.childcentereddivorce.com. Don’t stop seeking information about how to make this transition smooth for your children. They need your positive role models. As you help yourself heal, you are leaving a trail of good information for them to follow. So be patient with yourself and don’t stop learning.
