Q&A with Mia & Steve
Q: Perhaps you guys should do a cheater’s poll based on experience. People could select the letter that most closely resembles their current situation.
A: I took (him/her) back and it was worth it.
B: I took (him/her) back and it was good for a while, then it fizzled.
C: I took (him/her) back and it failed from the get go.
D: I didn’t take (him/her) back and I have regretted it since.
E: I didn’t take (him/her) back and I know it was the right decision.
Steve: Might be a fun read, but I’m not sure what we’d learn from it. Every relationship is unique, and some people are more forgiving than others. Some men/women would issue the death penalty if their partner looked sideways at another man/woman. Others tolerate way too much bad behavior.
Mia: I agree with Steve. People have always cheated, and their partners have had all kinds of ways of dealing with it. There’s no one right or wrong way to deal with a cheater.
Q: I have been married for ten years to a great woman and fantastic mother, beautiful and caring. I love her dearly, but our sex life always has been a struggle. Both devout Christians, we waited until we married to have sex. We dated for two years and could hardly keep our hands off each other then. Once we got married, it was like a switch turned off and her sex drive went away. Now I have to wait till she is in the mood, which happens about twice a month.
My real frustration comes when I’m in the mood and try to initiate sex. I’ve been coldly rejected so many times that I’m nervous to even try now. I end up fuming after getting the quick “no” as she immediately moves on to other things. Why is this a one-way street? I’ve expressed my feelings countless times, but we argue around in circles. She recently asked me to trust her to take care of my needs . . . that it wouldn’t be right for her to give in and fake it.
So if I’m asking and she’s not in mood, she shouldn’t do anything. I’m also frustrated there are no other options besides intercourse. I’m willing to go to great lengths for her. If it makes her feel good, I do it. We tried counseling once and the therapist was terrible. She kept asking us what we should do. We’ve been arguing for 10 years about it! How would we know? I’ve never cheated but I’m so frustrated I’m afraid I may, given the chance. Help!
Mia: First, you have to make sure that there isn’t something physical going on. She may need medical intervention in the form of hormonal therapy. But, if everything’s healthy, you’ve got to make sure everything is cool between the two of you.
Excuse the pun, but if wifey isn’t feeling you outside the bedroom, she certainly isn’t going to inside the bedroom. You have to get her to express her feelings. Make sure she understands that you’re not blaming her, and that you honestly want to find a way to make her happy. Ask her if there’s something about you that’s turning her off. See if there is something she wants that she isn’t getting.
Also, have you tried being a little more romantic? Sometimes we put forth a lot of effort until we get a person. Once we have them, we slack off. Do the dishes, if that makes her feel more warm and snuggly about you. Bring out the candles and satin sheets if you think it’ll help get her attention.
Draw her a bubble bath. Take her away on a romantic getaway. Exhaust every possibility and, if nothing works, reach outside the relationship once again for help. You had a bad experience with a therapist once, but you might not the next time.
Steve: Wait, there are “no other options besides intercourse”? Who says? You obviously have a stronger sex drive than your wife, but there are things she can do for you short of intercourse to end your frustration.
Marriage, like democracy, is all about compromise. Discuss some things she could do when she’s not in the mood for intercourse to make you feel better. And, as Mia says, keep offering to do things that make her feel good as well.
About the authors: Steve (not his real name) is 50-something and has been married to his second wife for 20 years. Mia (not her real name) is a 20-something single immersed in the Center City dating scene.
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