Should I Stay or Should I Go?
For many, “Should I stay or should I go?” is a difficult question individuals contemplate as they struggle through an unhappy marriage. Lyrics to the 1981 song by the Clash might even be on repeat in your head:
If I go there will be trouble
And if I stay it will be double.
Leaving your relationship could be a thought you’ve only just begun to consider, or it could be something you’ve fretted over for some time. Even years.
If you’ve found yourself in a place of indecision, there’s good reason. The fact is, divorce isn’t just about you. It will involve your spouse and children. Even family and friends are affected when a couple ends a marriage. It’s a serious decision and one not to be taken lightly. And of course, you want to be certain you make the right choice. So how do you know when it’s time to end a marriage?
If only there was an easy solution, a Magic 8-ball that really told fortunes. It would reveal a clear yes, to leave, or no, to stay. But relationships are more complicated than that. What we can do, however, is present guidelines and suggestions from experts on how to best address this question. Though the truth is, only you can provide the answer.
Intimate Connections
To start, we must understand why love can be so difficult. It’s such a wondrous thing, but how is it love can turn on us and inflict so much pain? Mark Banschick, M.D., in an article ;for Psychology Today, writes, “When we are intimate, we feel empowered but we’re also at the mercy of the one we love. Intimacy evokes a powerful mix of emotions — we feel vulnerable, yet valued and embraced.”
It’s when we are wrapped securely in the special nature of intimate love (the “magic” as Banschick calls it) we are left open to the darker side, or dark magic. That’s when relationships can unravel. Criticism can leave us rejected and a partner’s dismissive behavior can cause unbearable pain. When the ones we care about most become destructive to us, this pain is felt with intensity like no other and it can leave emotional scars. It goes deeper than a personal hurt, it’s an intimate hurt.
Examining the Choices
The first test to determining if you need to leave an unhealthy relationship is fairly straightforward, at least in theory. Are you or your children being abused physically or emotionally? Are you dealing with a spouse who has an untreated addiction for alcohol, drugs or sex?
If you are living in constant fear, seek help immediately. Ensuring your safety, and that of any children involved, should be first and foremost in your mind — not that you love your spouse, not that you vowed to stand by them in sickness and in health (because there’s no doubt that you did, and still do). But in cases of abuse or addiction, it is crucial you find a safe place for you and your children. The health — and, ultimately the lives — of you and your kids are far more important any paper contract.
Like in many marriages, you and your partner may have slowly drifted apart. Or maybe it’s obvious you just aren’t in love anymore. Then you have some thinking to do and decisions to make. And, remember, in the end, only you can make them.
In another article for Psychology Today, Dr. Banschick talks about core values and the diverse culture in which we live.
“Relationships inevitably hit bumps in the road because most people fall in love with the concept of being in love with someone rather than with the person. When we really become involved with someone, have children with them, or simply experience the ups and downs of life with them, we are challenged with falling in love with a person, rather than with an idea.”
He outlines some key questions to ask yourself about your core values, believing they can help to determine the answer to the question of staying or going.
- Do you believe in the goodness of this relationship?
- Are you committed to something that is sometimes less than gratifying?
- Are you putting up with too much because you are afraid or immobilized?
- Or do you dump things too quickly, lacking patience to make anything work?
- Can you differentiate whether this relationship can be healed, or if it is forever damaged?
- Do you have the courage to confront the problems one way or another?
- And if there are children, will they benefit more from an unhappy intact family or a re-configured one?
If you are uncertain and overwhelmed, seeking advice from a professional can be helpful and a good first step in making a decision.
The Fear of the Unknown
We all fear the unknown. But it’s how we each face our fears that could determine if you stay or go. Susan Pease Gadoua, L.C.S.W., talks about this in her article for Psychology Today, “How Do You Know If You Should Stay or Go?”
“When I meet for the first time with a client who is considering divorce, I can often get a sense of whether the scales are tipped toward staying or leaving from the reason he or she gives for wanting to stay married.”
Then she asks why the client might want to get a divorce. While she considers all reasons to have merit, she looks at one motivation behind them: fear.
“Those who are motivated primarily by avoiding pain are usually fear-based people. These people see the world through the eyes of whatever problems and negative repercussions might arise from their actions. They are often imprisoned by their fears, not only as they pertain to deciding whether to stay in or leave their marriages, but in all areas of their lives.
“Action-based people have the opposite view of the world. When they set their sights on a goal, they see what opportunities and benefits might come from moving forward. These people are more willing to take risks and go for what they want.”
If fear has control over you and your decision, Gadoua provides hope. “Of course, you can be partially both fear- and action-based, but whichever mode is dominant will usually win the arguments in your mind about whether to stay or go. The good news is that these aspects are not necessarily set in stone.”
Finding Happiness
We all deserve to be happy. But do we just wish to be happy, or do we actually strive to be happy? There is a subtle difference. If you are in a marriage that is truly not fixable, and you find yourself sacrificing your happiness to keep it going, it might be time to determine once and for all if you should stay, or if you should go. It won’t be an easy decision. Possibly even a heartbreaking one. But only you can know what’s right for you. Only you can be responsible for finding happiness.
If you do decide to get a divorce, Wevorce can help.
