You Might Not Expect # Four
Whether through a snide comment about your latest plans, an interruption mid-sentence or a slew of reasons you cannot or should not do/eat/feel/think/say something, bullies have a very specific way of making those around them feel steam-rolled and undervalued.
“My ex was always coming up with new ways to steamroll me. It started with small criticisms about how much makeup I wore and ended up with him accepting a job offer in another state and telling me right before we needed to put the condo up for sale. When I complained, I was told I was unsupportive. It not only made me feel unimportant to him but completely out of control of my own life.” says Michelle, 32, New York, N.Y.
Dealing with someone who feels the need to call the shots through whatever means possible is never easy but there are ways to get on equal ground and protect yourself from further manipulation. Read on for ways to regain power over the situation and your own life.
1. Take a Deep Breath — Literally.
When we get upset or face situations we perceive as dangerous, it is not uncommon for our heart rate to increase or to experience shortness of breath, sweaty palms or dizziness. “When my husband yells, I literally go into a state of panic and have had anxiety attacks,” says LeAnne, 32, Ann Arbor, Mich. Taking long, deep breaths from your diaphragm (as opposed to shallow breathing from your chest) is a good way to stay in control of your physical body and keep your mind focused on the issue at hand.
2. Come Up With a Plan.
Instead of waiting until the next swipe, prepare yourself by sitting down and brainstorming ways to handle two scenarios in which you recently felt bullied. Write down the scene in as much detail as you can and look for similarities. Do you leave the scene? Do you scream or cry? What are the patterns of the bully? What are the consistencies in your own reaction? Now, think about two ways of handling the situation differently. Chloe, 38, in Ann Arbor, Mich., was tired of her sister belittling her in public and decided to try a new reaction which, to her surprise, worked like a charm. “My sister was always nitpicking me in front of people and I would usually say something which only led to a bigger fight later. One day, she attacked me in front of a store clerk and I just looked at her with a blank face as did the clerk and then the two of us continued our conversation, leaving my sister to stand there on her own. I think her seeing that someone else found her comments inappropriate embarrassed her. When we left the store, she apologized.”
3. Remember the Three C’s – Clear, Confident and Calm.
While we cannot change another human being, we all can create and enforce boundaries in our own lives. Clearly, confidently and calmly express yourself to the bully and refuse to engage them in a screaming match if they start becoming aggressive, manipulative or critical. Look them in the face and say something like, “I appreciate what you are saying but do not speak to me that way if you would like to continue the conversation,” or even, “Do not yell at me,” in a stern, calm tone. He or she may not like what you have to say or comply with your demands but saying what you expect clearly and not engaging them unless they abide by your boundaries is often enough to change the dynamic. “My dad has yelled at us since as far back as I can remember, and my mother always got it the worst of it. One day, instead of staying silent with tears in her eyes like she had for years, she looked at him and said, ‘Steve, I have had enough. You speak to me with respect or you cannot speak to me at all.’ We were shocked. He started yelling and talking over her again and she got up and left the room. She did this every time he yelled from that moment on until one day it sunk in that if he wanted to talk to her, he had to talk to her normally. It was a really huge moment for all of us!,” says James, 37, New York, N.Y.
4. Don’t Take It Personally.
It’s hard not to take criticism, exclusion or belittling personally, but research shows that adult bullies were usually bullies in childhood which means the likelihood that their negative behavior started with you is low. Accept that he or she is the one with the problem, not you. While we all might do things that upset those around us, we all deserve to be spoken to and treated with dignity and respect. “I worked with a woman who would scream and yell at me on a daily basis all the while being nice to my coworkers; it made me feel horrible and really affected my self esteem. One day, I met a woman at an event who also worked for my boss and told me she had to leave because of her abuse. She told me she always picked one person in the office to use as her verbal punching bag and had even been sued for it once! It felt good to know that it wasn’t really about me. I put in for a transfer the following week and got out of there four months later,” says Shawn, 39, Wooburn, Mass.
5. Protect Yourself.
If there is even a slight chance the bully might become violent, do not provoke them. Leave the situation immediately and seek the help of a friend, family member, colleague, human resources manager or law enforcement officer. If in a domestic violence situation, get to a safe place and use a pay phone or friend’s cell phone to call The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
Names have been changed to protect identity.
