How Can I Stop the Arguing Between My New Boyfriend and I Over the Children?
Dear Lisa,
I have a question in regards to trying to blend two divorced families together. I have two boys, 11 and 8, and the guy I’m seeing, Jeff, has two girls 8 and 6, plus a girl who is 3 years old. Lately, Jeff and I have been fighting over the way my oldest son treats his kids and how Jason, in turn, treats my son. He feels my son is mean to them. I feel his girls are very sensitive and tattle. How do I communicate with Jason and/or the kids about this? In my opinion, kids will be kids and they will fight and that is normal. How do I know if it is not normal? Right now all I know is that I feel I am constantly yelling at him.
K.L.
Dear K.L.,
First of all, don’t jump into blending families if you’re already fighting over the kids. I promise you that once you’re all living together, this problem will get worse, not better. It is common for kids to fight — but in a dating-parents or stepfamily situation, this can cause all sorts of problems. It’s completely natural for a parent to protect his or her biological children. However, this sets up blood-based alliances in stepfamilies. One biological family will align itself against the other.
First of all, make sure you define your roles as stepparents. I suggest you view yourselves as extra adults for your partner’s kids. That means you should not try to be a parent to them. He should let you parent and discipline your kids. And he should be in charge of parenting his kids.
Of course, this gets sticky if you and Jeff have different ideas about how to go about parenting. You may simply have to establish separate rules for his kids and your kids, and then have the biological parents follow through on them. That’s what we did in our family, as we describe in our book (www.stepfamilyadvice.com ).
Once you’ve established your roles and parenting guidelines, you might consider visiting with a counselor or psychologist to talk about your parenting differences. It’s important to learn how to respectfully address your differences. You might want to read this story to get a few more tips about how to handle sticky dating-single-parent situations, including how to embrace the fine art of silence: http://msn.match.com/msn/article/?articleid=7422&menuid=7&lid=429
I’m sure that communicating your feelings to Jeff under these circumstances is challenging. I’m sure it’s tempting — but I promise it’s not a good idea — to criticize his parenting style and his kids. Patricia Papernow, a psychologist in Hudson, Mass., who specializes in stepfamilies, says dating parents and stepparents need to learn how to have difficult conversations. She advocates the soft-hard-soft approach. You can learn about that by clicking on www.stepfamilytalkradio.com/products.htm and listening to her interview.
Again, don’t rush into blending families with Jeff.
Good Luck!
Lisa
