It’s normal and healthy to want to talk about your feelings when going through a divorce. This is an intense time, full of strong emotions. It is a time of major change and can be one of the most difficult times in your life. But it’s also important for any children to be protected from the overwhelming emotions of adults.
Both you and your spouse are likely to have lots of conversations with people outside your marriage prior to, during, and after divorce. In fact, many times a conversation with other adults serves as a catalyst for one spouse to decide whether or not they want to pursue a divorce. Therefore, choosing whom, when, and what you talk about are important considerations when discussing your divorce. The trick is to determine who your best listeners might be.
Close friends and family often take sides not necessarily the sides expected, but definitely sides. They may have their own divorce experiences, and naturally may base their listening and advice on those experiences. This is normal. However, it’s important to be aware of your listeners’ backgrounds and biases when they become sounding boards for your strong feelings.
The value in friends and family listening is in allowing you to vent and release pent-up sorrow and disappointment, and to help you with supportive suggestions for regrouping and planning your life after divorce. But the actual decisions about how to tell your spouse you want a divorce or what process to use to obtain a divorce might be better discussed with neutral professionals who can provide plenty of options, and allow you to make an educated choice rather than an emotional one.
It may also be a good time to seek counseling for any grief or anger that arises. This does not necessarily mean you will be in counseling a long time. But you can check out options for finding a professional who can listen objectively and provide you with some tools to help navigate these tough times. The right professional can make the difference between a contentious divorce fraught with lengthy and perhaps shallow debates about “who gets the silverware,” and a divorce process which is objective, fair and helps restore each spouse’s self-esteem and sense of appreciation for any lessons learned during the marital journey.
Another valuable decision is how you wish to proceed with the logistics of the divorce in the legal system where you live. Traditional litigation may or may not be in your best interests. Taking time to consider all the options and find the right assistance can make the difference between a huge loss of financial and emotional resources, or a positive transformative release and renewal experience.
Asking family and friends to be good listeners and clearly defining for them what constitutes appropriate support may be necessary. Also, choosing not to discuss some things with certain friends or family members may be wise. Remember that divorce is a very personal experience for a couple. Setting certain boundaries allows you to work out the details of your divorce thoughtfully and carefully, giving both of you the best opportunity to come through the experience feeling comfortable with your decisions and optimistic about your respective futures.
