Suggestions for the Person Remarrying and the Person on the Receiving End
If you’re getting remarried, it’s normal to have questions about the etiquette of handling the news. Here are seven expert tips on how to do it properly:
1. Don’t announce to anyone that you are remarrying until you are ready. This will ensure that no one feels burdened with a secret or the urge to gossip.”I would say that until you’re ready to announce the engagement to the world that you have no business announcing the engagement to your children and your ex,” says Steven Kalas, a therapist in Las Vegas, Nev. “It’s not appropriate to ask someone to keep a social secret like that.”
2. Regardless of how you feel about your ex-spouse, unless you were in an abusive relationship, you should tell him or her. “Yes, the relationship may be estranged and difficult, but let’s face it, most relationships are. That’s why you got divorced. You should explain to people once they find out,” Kalas says. “It’s not honorable to let your ex discover it at a Starbucks from a random acquaintance: ‘I heard Bill’s remarrying,’ and he says, ‘I didn’t know that.'”
3. Because the announcement is big news, you should do tell him or her on a more personal level, according to Dr. L. Martin Johnson in Honolulu, Hawaii.”If it’s possible, face to face or on the phone, as opposed to e-mail. You need a personal connection.”
4. When you talk with your ex-spouse, do not be afraid to tell them the news – no matter how nervous you are about it.”Put it in the context of, ‘I have some very happy news, and I hope you will be happy for me,'” Johnson says. “‘I’ve met someone, and I’ve decided to get married.’ Be fairly straightforward.”
5. Don’t be surprised if your ex-spouse is saddened or disappointed upon hearing the news.”If they’re less than warm and enthusiastic, just give them some time. Don’t expect them to be your biggest fan and biggest supporter,” says Johnson.
6. But don’t expect your ex-spouse to warm up to the idea in only a month either. It could take years. “Not all divorces are mutual. In some cases, there is a dumper and dumpee, and dumpees tend to have broken hearts,” Kalas says. “Therapy is a resource of support, but like any grief, you don’t so much get over it as surrender it and eventually integrate it.”
7. If your ex-spouse is still somewhat interested in you, don’t feel sorry for him or her if you are happy with your new fiancee. Telling him or her is part of moving on for both of you. “If I suspect that my ex is still in love with me and harbors a wish that we could be together, I might look into my heart and say that all mercy and decency demands that I call him or her up right now,” Kalas says, “then hurt them, because it makes more sense than trying to keep it something.”
8. When you do take the final step of telling your ex-spouse, do it lightly and in a kind manner. “Tell your ex-spouse you will always love them no matter what as a human being. You have to be careful that they understand it is not in a romantic way,” according to StopParentalAlienation.com.
IF YOU ARE THE ONE ON THE RECEIVING END
What to do if you are the ex-spouse hearing about your husband or wife remarrying:
1. If your spouse is remarrying, you must hang up all your old feelings toward him or her immediately. According to Jackie Garner, an intern at in Laguna Hills, Cal., “If you’re broken up, and he wants to move on and create a new life, and it’s over between the two for you, I would discover a way to live your life.You can’t change his decision and need to move on.”
2. Remember that while you may not like the new spouse, you should act respectful about it. “If the court says the children need to see their father, you don’t have the right to keep them away from him,” says Garner. “You’ve given up that right when you had your children. You need to think of yourself last and take care of them first.”
3. A last resort is to remove anything causing you to feel for your ex-spouse.“Get rid of every sentimental object that reminds you of your ex. Get rid especially of any letters that were written by him or her,” Way-of-Family.com recommends. “These carry the spirit of the person you were married to and will continue to maintain a spiritual link with that person. They are links with the past.”
About the author: Krystle Russin is a freelance journalist in Austin, Texas.She holds a degree from the University of Texas at Austin in government (pre-law), with minors in journalism and history. She can be reached at k.russin@Wevorce.com
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