5 Reasons To Stay & 5 Reasons To Go
Can you really study infidelity when you’re not sure whether people are telling you the truth? That’s the issue therapists say they struggling with as they try to study infidelity trends around the world.
David Atkins, an associate professor at the University of Washington, said the biggest problem is some people just don’t tell the truth. Another issue that comes up in infidelity studies is that some people define cheating as having intercourse with a partner, while others include oral sex, emotional connections and more.
“Infidelity is a topic dripping in deception, secrecy, fear and shame so it’s not surprising that the same people who would deceive their partner would lie to others about what they do and don’t do behind closed doors,” said Brenda Della Casa, author of the relationship book “Cinderella Was a Liar.”
Dr. Gilda Carle, author of the book “How to WIN When Your Mate Cheats,” agreed. She isn’t surprised that researchers can’t seem to get a handle on marital cheating. “If a couple is unfaithful to each other, what makes any researcher think s/he will break through their rationalizations and dishonesty and get an honest answer about their straying?” she said. “Unfaithful spouses have already proved that they disrespect the person purportedly closest to them. So …how might a researcher gain their trust?”
Atkins said his study of about 19,000 people showed an increase in the number of cheaters 60 years and older, 35 years and younger and in older women.
From her own practice, Carle believes that most faithful couples are between 36 to 59. “That’s when they have accepted the life choices they have made, they’ve become most committed to their family’s sustenance and enjoying a ‘side dish’ may be cumbersome and expensive. But people younger than 35 are often still unsure about their life choices, while those over 59 are often questioning whether their life choices are the ones they want to continue forever,” she said.
According to California psychotherapist Tina Tessina, author of “Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Arguing about the Three Things that Can Ruin your Marriage,’ research shows women cheat “because they feel emotionally deprived, and men because they feel sexually deprived.”
“Many affairs because it’s easier for a spouse who is dissatisfied with the relationship to transfer affection to someone else than to take the emotional risk of talking to a partner about dissatisfaction. While most marital dissatisfaction is not that hard to fix… the cheater has an ‘instant gratification’ mentality and is just doing what feels good… He or she is not thinking of future problems (at least, when connecting with the other person) and is just masking emotional pain,” Tessina said.
Della Casa believes the increase in infidelity may be related to what she considers a larger cultural issue –“an almost total lack of accountability and a strong disregard for your word and relationship.We live in a society that glorifies …getting all you can with as little effort as possible.”
There is some good news about infidelity, though. Regardless of why the infidelity happens, psychotherapist Tina Tessina said the damage done to a marriage by an affair can be repaired. “Not only is it possible, but when children are involved, it’s desirable,” she said.
Tessina called infidelity “a trauma.” Still, she said, “Often the person who has been cheated on has contributed to the problem.”
If there is a sincere change in behavior, and if the problems that led to the infidelity are addressed and corrected, then forgiveness is possible — and must happen as part of the healing process.” Admitting and correcting bad behavior, rebuilding trust and forgiveness are the main issues,” she said.
The biggest hurdle to making up: “If the other spouse continues to blame and vilify the one who made the mistake, then both will suffer for a long time, and so will their families and children,” she said.
Her best advice to someone who is married and contemplating an affair: “Affairs are devastating to all concerned, and demonstrate emotional immaturity,” Tessina said. “Ask yourself, have I done all I can within my marriage to correct the problems and get what I want there? The excitement of something new will fade, and you’ll be left with massive devastation.”
AFTER INFIDELITY — TOP 5 REASONS TO STAY —
By Tina Tessina, Ph.D.
1. Your spouse truly recognizes he or she has a problem and is willing to get help to fix it, and to be accountable for rebuilding trust.
2. You both are going to counseling, and understanding why the affair happened, and how to fix the problems.
3. You’re getting your own sex life back on track if it was off track.
4. You have a long, shared history, joint finances and children for whom it’s worth keeping the marriage together (see #1)
5. You still love each other, and it’s clearly mutual.
AFTER INFIDELITY — TOP 5 REASONS TO GO —
By Tina Tessina, Ph.D.
1. Your spouse is in denial, makes excuses, blames you.
2. You have had it, and no longer feel connected. Be sure this isn’t just temporary anger.
3. You are prepared to be on your own.
4. You either have no children, they’re grown, or you’re certain a divorce will be better for them than what’s going on.
5. Your spouse refuses to give up his other sex partner.
